Tell Them Why We Say Thank You

Teaching your child to be truly grateful is much more than teaching them to say “thank you.” While listening to Sunday’s sermon on Gratitude, I had an epiphany. When I think of all the times I have made that command to a child without explaining to them what it means to really be grateful, well, it’s rather embarrassing. Sometimes I wish I could have a “do over” but then I regain consciousness, remember that it is much more fun to be a Gramma and realize I would rather just tell YOU all these things that I am learning so you will be a better parent than I!

In George Barna’s book, “Revolutionary Parenting,” he states:

“Kids are not always logical, but they expect their parents to have logical reasons for everything they do. Parents are not obligated to share that logic with their youngsters, but the extraordinary parents we interviewed noted that they typically included an explanation along with their commands so that the children felt that there was nothing capricious being foisted upon them. “I think my children learned a lot about their faith and values by my explaining my expectations and disciplinary measures…. I think they actually developed a better spiritual sense because they could follow my logic trail and see how I was combining our faith and their behaviors.””

We don’t explain things to our kids because they are ignorant, but because they are professional learners and without teaching, a learner has a huge void within. Like little sponges they soak up all we say and they sense our unspoken attitudes. Teach them to be grateful, but teach with respect for who they are and in awe of who they will become.

Imagine a child who understands that every good thing comes from the God who made them.

Imagine them knowing that we receive gifts from the Creator of the universe.          
Imagine a child that knows the value of expressing gratitude                   

Imagine the joy of growing up knowing that God is good and is providing for us.              

Imagine learning that, even when we don’t get all we hope for, God is still providing all we need. Imagine a child that understands that others have sacrificed to give to them.

Imagine demonstrating for a child that the joy of giving surpasses the joy of receiving.

Imagine grasping the truth that God lives in our praise and a grateful heart draws God near us.

Wouldn’t that child be better equipped to sing with the Psalmist,

“Give thanks to the Lord, because He is good. His faithful love continues forever.”

  (Psalm 107:1 NIrV)

"Do this..."

Christians and parents are often known for the same things. What we instruct others NOT to do. Growing up in the church I learned more about what a “good” Christian does NOT do than what we should do. Typically, when listening to parents interacting with their children we also hear a list of “DON’Ts.” Jesus knew his time had come to an end to walk with and instruct his followers. He did not want them to forget what He had taught or the sacrifice He would make for them, but he didn’t say…”Don’t forget!”  He said “Do this so that it will help you to remember.” (from Luke 22:19)

What if, as we train our children in the way that they should go, we were to give positive instruction, rather than negative commands?  “Stop jumping on the couch!” would become “Furniture is for sitting. Can you sit, please?”  “Stop hitting your sister!” would become “Hands are for helping and hugging. Please show kindness.”  Not only does is sound better, it works better because you are planting a positive thought instead of stating the negative behavior that you want to end. They will have no question of your expectation,

Chick Moorman, in his book “Parent Talk,” states that the subconscious mind doesn’t hear the word “don’t.” As you read on don’t think of a large purple hippo jumping rope while spitting watermelon seeds. What happened? If you are like most people you thought of exactly what I told you not to think of. That is what happens in the mind of your kids when you give negative instruction rather than positive.

The “next time” you need to correct a behavior, use “next time” instructions and you will be planting positive pictures in your child’s mind.

Not… “stop running in the house” but “Remember that we decided it is safer and better to walk in the house? Next time you come inside, I want you to show me that you remember that we walk inside.”

Not… “you are moving so slowly you’re going to make us late!” but “Next time I want you to come quickly so that we can leave on time.”

Not… “stop yelling at your sister” but “Next time you speak, make your words kind words to tell her what you need.”

In short, it is pretty much a waste of breath to tell your kids what NOT to do if you aren’t instructing them on the proper thing they SHOULD do.  Let’s follow Jesus example in teaching and leading our kids… “Do this…” and see where it takes you!

Compounding Interest In The Behavior Bank

"Good and evil both increase at compound interest.  That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later,  you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of."

These are the very wise words of C.S. Lewis. Conversely, the smallest act of disobedience or wavering from the course God has set out for you today is a victory for Satan as he works to gain a foothold in your life, your mind, your home.

Now, take that wisdom and translate it into parenting. An act of disobedience without consequences is an open invitation for your child's will to continue to battle yours.  If your child is repeating the same negative behaviors, then you are likely not effective in administering the appropriate discipline and their “naughty” bank has accrued enough interest to invest in more defiance. Your “look,” your volume, your lectures, your threats are not discipline. They are simply disapproval… and most children don’t really care if you approve or not, they just care that they can continue to do whatever they want without consequences.

We are charged with shaping the heart of our children so that it is ready to be a home for the Spirit of God. Defiant, disrespectful behavior will leave no room for or understanding of God’s guidance in their lives as they mature. Make certain that you fully understand the meaning of the mandate to “train up a child in the way they should go.”  Training does not mean telling and yelling. It means guiding, demonstrating, explaining why certain things are non-negotiable. The younger the child, the simpler the explanation… but explain you must! Sometimes “Because I said so,” if followed by “and I said so because it is my job to teach you the correct way to behave” is explanation enough. But if they are ready to comprehend where their negative behavior is leading, tell them!

Also, look for ways to applaud the good choices and tell them they were good choices. That is how they begin to note the difference between good and bad. “I love it when you share so nicely. That means that you care about how your brother feels which means you are getting to be quite a big boy!”  “Wow! That was the quickest first-time-obedience EVER! That means you are learning to do the right thing and we need to add some marbles to your good choices jar!” “I know you really wanted more candy, but when I said NO, you didn’t argue a bit! Great job!” “You just brushed your teeth without being told! I am so proud of you being so responsible!”

Most importantly, realize that you are not expected to parent alone. There is a God who has the answers and wants to help you. Immerse yourself in His Word and learn His ways so that it becomes second nature to impart His wisdom to your kids as they grow. It’s never too late to start a good thing. Today is a good day for new beginnings!

Teach Them To Give

For many parents, the change in the weather means our thoughts begin to lean toward the Christmas season and making it a magical time for the kids. Sadly, in our culture, the first thing we think of is the gifts we will buy for our kids who already have so much more than the majority of children of the world and seldom care enough about what they have to make sure it is put away properly at the end of the day.

We all want to give great things to our kids. What a difference it would make if our focus was not on tangible things that they can hold in their hands, but the intangibles that they can hold in their hearts. Here are a few ideas:

• ·         Give them focused time. They are hearing from their teachers to practice whole body listening. Model that as you listen to them. Eyes on them, body turned toward them, nodding, responding, smiling. 
• ·         Give them unconditional love. Allowing a child to see their parents love each other unconditionally is one of the best examples they can follow as they grow into adulthood. If you love them well, without loving your spouse well what they will learn is a performance based love
• ·         Give them laughter. Share a joke of the day or a funny video and laugh together.
• ·         Give them compassion. Use the internet to open their eyes to the needs in the world around them. Sheltering them perpetuates the greed and entitlement so common in our society. Let them visualize the disparity between the standard of living of Americans and the rest of the world.
• ·         Give them responsibility by working alongside them as you teach them to take ownership of their belonging.
• ·         Give them values by explaining that we, as God followers, believe and live as we do because we are commanded to be like Jesus.
• ·         Give them generosity by giving them opportunities to share with others who have needs greater than our own.
• ·         Give them music. Christian CDs are a great way to teach what you believe. Invest in a children’s CD that you can play in the car and sing together… over and over and over… If you need a suggestion, just ask!
• ·         Give them mentors. If it is true that it takes a village to raise a child, who are the adults you are allowing to pour into your kids? Are they godly people teaching godly values? Are your kids regularly exposed to those who follow Jesus and value the teaching of His Word?

Our own eyes have been trained to look at the “Jones’” next door and try to keep in step with what they have. This year for Christmas give your kids the eyes of Jesus so they can see a broadened vision of the world. Help them to see all they have and be grateful. Value them enough to teach them to be givers, not takers and show them how to “prefer one another in love,” “honor others above ourselves,” “do to others as we would have them do to us.”  Point them to the beauty around them that their Creator has provided and never stop looking for ways to love them that require no wrapping paper…. And let me be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas!

"For I was hungry, while you had all you needed.  I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water. I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported. I needed clothes, but you wanted more clothes, I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved."  

Matthew 25:42-32 RESV (Richard E. Stearns Version)

Stumbling Block or Building Block?

Most responsible parents want to know the friends their kids run with. Who are their parents? Where do they live? Are they “good” kids? Will they be a good influence or will they be a stumbling block and drag our kids down the wrong road?  BUT, how much time do we spend making sure that we, as responsible parents, are not being a stumbling block on their eternal journey?

I was thinking this week about some of the messages we send to our kids that cause them to stumble into believing the lies of the Deceiver:

“Church is for the weak.”

If you are strong and healthy you participate in sports every Sunday. If you aren’t good enough for sports, then there’s church. 

“Jesus is for old people.”

When you are young there are Saturday night sleepovers and late night parties. You can learn more about the Bible and living according to God’s plan when you grow up.

“Going to church makes you a Christian.”

God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, but if we attend church on Sunday that will cover for our behaviors during the week.

I really don’t think we intentionally send these messages to our kids, but have you ever thought of some of the messages our choices infer? The only real way to teach your kids is by intentionally choosing a pattern of living that demonstrates that you are learning, listening and obeying the Father. Don’t try to obey a creed or mimic someone you see as “good.” There is only One that is good. Spend time getting to know Him and He will direct you onto the path you and your family should follow.

Do you want to be a stumbling block to your kids? Nobody does… So be intentional about leading by being a good follower! And make sure you are following the true Leader!

“Jesus said to his disciples:

"Things that cause people to sin are bound to come,

but woe to that person through whom they come.”

Luke 17:1

Gay, Yet Godly

I recently read a blog written by a father/pastor promising to love his kids unconditionally should they be born gay.  God's love is unconditional and we are commanded to be like Him, therefore… no matter how our children are born, or anyone else’s children, we who follow after Him must love them unconditionally. There is much good in what he says, but something vital is missing. 

People are born in a variety of ways that were not by His design, yet He allows it and desires that whatever our circumstance, we use it to draw closer to Him. We are not just called to be like Him in love, but in all things we are to be holy. Set apart from the ways of the world. Answering to a higher calling. Pure and blameless. We, who follow Jesus, must strive to be like Him, trusting His grace to cover our often feeble attempts.

God’s design is for us is to walk and talk with Him, to listen and follow Him so that He can protect us from the Evil that lures us away from Him into a painful, Godless existence. Reading the story of Eden reminds us of the danger of listening to a voice that says, “You will not die if you partake of the forbidden fruit.” His heart’s desire is that we will not listen to the lies that lead us down a path of pain and separation from Him and His perfect plan for our flawed minds, spirits and bodies.  

I have seen the pain of those who chose to give in to the desires of the flesh rather than follow God. I have seen the struggles of those who choose God over the desires of the flesh. I see the loneliness and isolation that my loved ones in the gay community face. But I have also seen victory in the lives of those who have fought against the temptation to live to satisfy the flesh and have found joy and peace as they seek the path to which God has called them.  

A child is not responsible for how they are born, but they will become responsible for how they deal with it. If my child is born gay, or with a horrid temper, mental illness, Downs syndrome, learning disabilities, autism, addiction disorder… I will love them unconditionally and I will not condemn them, and I will teach them how God desires us to rise above our physical, mental and emotional challenges and follow Him. I will pray that they will seek God with everything in them so that they can live as He planned... a pure and holy life.  

"Lord, just as you healed the lame man, telling him to take up his mat and walk, remind us that we are to pick up all the reminders of our imperfect birth status and walk toward You where we will find peace and joy. You never intended for any of us to remain in the sinful state to which we were born, but to seek You and the holy life you offer to those who will listen and obey and walk in the glory of your transforming power. Help us not to look at the lives of others with a critical spirit, but to look in the mirror and seek healing from the behaviors and attitudes that do not reflect your beauty and holiness."

Time For A Change

We have all heard it said that too often ‘Christians’ are known for what they are against more than what they are for. I wonder if the same could be said of parents.  Do the kids know what dad adores about mom or just what annoys him? Do they know how much mom looks forward to dad coming home from work, or do they note the heavy sigh when he walks in the door? Do the kids know how valuable they are to you or do they only know what will get them in big trouble if they get caught?

It is a big deal when people represent the Church or Christianity and are not doing a good job of reflecting Christ in the community, but how tragic it is for our children when we are claiming to follow Jesus and exhibit not the first sign of being transformed into the likeness of Christ at home. Angry words; no words; no evidence of communication with God; rules without relationship; harshness over-riding grace. Why would this atmosphere in our homes direct our kids to follow Jesus?

You will never be a perfect parent or spouse. Perfection is outside of our grasp. But are you on the journey with our family toward a perfect God? We all need Divine transformation. What does that look like? Take a look at Galatians 5:22-26

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control… Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.

Home is where we tend to let down our guard and relax, but the battle between good and evil has no down time. If you are not intentional about submitting to the transforming power of God at home, evil triumphs and the family suffers.

As you watch the leaves change this month, seek change in yourself. As the leaves begin to fall, be reminded of some of the habits and attitudes that don’t look like Jesus; things you need to let fall. Let’s commit to making changes in how we treat the ones for whom you are most responsible… the ones God has given us to love, cherish, honor and respect... our family.

Next Steps For Leading In Our Homes

Michelle Anthony, a woman with a passion for helping parents guide their kids to loving Jesus, says “It’s not about being or becoming a perfect family, it’s about being on the journey together to know and follow a perfect God.” Is it time for you to begin that journey? Is it time for you to get back to it? If you aren’t closer to Jesus now that you were a year ago, you aren’t on a journey. You are sitting still, content with the life YOU can make instead of discovering the REAL life God can make.

God’s blessings often go uncollected because we sit contentedly right where we are, never taking the next step. For parents who takes serious their role as spiritual guide for their kids, here are some suggestions for “next steps.”

·         Read Bible Stories to them and learn together. My favorite is Egermeier’s Bible Story Book. It takes you through the Bible chronologically and each story takes less than 5 minutes to read. There are 4-5 questions to ask the kids at the end so they can show that they listened well.

·         Pray with them. Let them know that you talk to God on their behalf. (i.e. “God thank you for making Johnny my son. Help me to be a good dad/mom and help him to grow up learning how to be more like you.”)

·         Say a blessing over them. (i.e. “May God’s blessing be upon you at school, helping you to make good choices and listen well)

·         Make Church attendance a priority so that they know there is a larger “family” of God followers on the journey with them

·         Be on mission together, looking for ways to serve the less fortunate

·         Say a simple prayer with them when you see or hear an ambulance. (i.e. “Jesus bring courage and healing and help to whoever is in need right now and keep all the helpers safe.”)

This isn’t new. God’s desire from ancient times was that we share our faith with our kids. Are you in? Do you have your next steps mapped out? Where is God calling you to lead in your home?

“These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 niv

Don't Scrooge Your Kids!

"A Christmas Carol" is one of my favorite Christmas stories. It takes Ebenezer Scrooge on a journey that enlightens him to the suffering he has caused by failing to ever consider the feelings of others. It makes me wonder what difference it would make if we could peek into the future and see the outcome of our failure to meet the spiritual and emotional needs of our kids. Are we helping them to know they are valued and loved unconditionally?

If yours is a normal home, the focus is likely on putting food on the table, completing homework, giving baths and falling into bed, exhausted after a long day at work. Would there be a difference in how you accomplished all the things that need to be done if you could actually see the long term impact of your tone, your attitude, your words? Would there be more gentleness and patience? Would you take the time to listen to their questions and try to see things from their perspective rather than forcing your perspective onto them? Would you applaud their uniqueness and bring a lighthearted joy to them rather than trying to force them to be like you... or like other kids?

This week, make their world better. Let God open your eyes to the tenderness of their hearts. They are not small adults. They are children who look to their parents to determine their worth and value at home, at school and to the God that you desire them to follow. If you are treating them with anger, impatience and indignation, they are finding themselves to be worthless. They need your best. You can try really hard and be a good parent, but if you want to be a great parent, you need help from the One who loves you... and them...more than any of us deserve!

Lord, help us to know just how important it is to shape the heart of our children with tenderness and understanding. Help us to value them as You do. Remind us that the way they feel affects the way they behave and we have the power to alter those feelings by treating them with love, dignity and respect.

Legacy

There are all kinds of legacies. There are bad legacies, good legacies and lasting legacies. When we walk through life, blindly unaware of the impact we have on others as we strive for happiness and fulfillment, we are centering on self and leaving a legacy of Narcissism. There are “heroes” who have left a legacy of generosity, genius, compassion and all sorts of good things who did so in a spiritual void. Jesus was not a part of their journey. They were just good people. They left a good legacy.

I want to leave a lasting legacy of eternal significance. The kind of legacy that makes “me” invisible so that others see only the reflection of Christ. That’s a tall order and I know that it is a destination I cannot reach, no matter how hard I paddle. I must instead trim my sails to catch the breath of God speaking to my heart and surrender to the gentle breeze or gusting wind He will send to get me back on the proper course.

If we are to impress upon others the beautiful urgency and exciting adventure of following God, we must realize that we have been set free from the need to follow our own path and have been liberated to walk unashamedly, in complete surrender, with Jesus on a glorious journey toward the purpose He created for us.  Some days I fail. You will, too. But each day is a new opportunity to allow God to chart your course toward the legacy upon which He has already inscribed your name.

“For we are God’s masterpiece.

He created us anew in Christ Jesus

 so that we can do the good things

He planned for us long ago.”

Ephesians 2:10 (nlt)

Back To School

Our church is full of ministers who daily share the love of Jesus in the workplace. We have those in the medical field that save lives and restore health, those in management positions who exhibit integrity in a world where values are often pushed aside; those who extend the hand of kindness and generosity to their fellow workers, who can listen to a client and offer words of encouragement, who dedicate themselves to being the hands and feet of Jesus in the community.

So, you may ask yourself… why is it that every year at this time we make such a big to do about those who work in our school systems? My simple answer to that they are the ones who have the potential to alter the lives of many children by being followers of God who are daily transmitting His love and His light in a society that no longer allows us to openly share His story.

The prayer we say over them is not because they are great, but because they must become great in the eyes and hearts of children if they are to be God’s witness of love and light as they lead. They are not valued more highly than anyone else in this place, but we give them a token to act as a constant reminder that they are God’s Ambassador to the most tender of hearts, the most impressive minds and the most vulnerable lives among us.

Lord, keep our teachers as clay in your hands, shaping them into the leaders you created them to be. Make them a vessel of your love, spilling out to children who so desperately need to be loved and valued. Work through them, in spite of the foolishness of a law that forbids mention of You in the classroom and remind them that their primary task is to be a reflection of the One who knows them best and loves them most."

Things You Won't Overhear In A Coffee Shop

Sometimes we accidentally overhear things that we wish we hadn't about a husband or wife's attitude toward their spouse. Often the words are dripping with pain and a spirit of vengefulness. However, here are some things you are not likely to overhear...

·         “I hope my son grows up and marries someone who can turn a cold shoulder toward him as well as I do to his father.”

·         “I hope my daughter grows up and marries someone  who is as inconsiderate of her feelings as I am of her mother’s feelings.”

·         “I hope our kids find bitterness and anxiety in marriage. It works well for us.”

If we want the best for our kids, we have to model it. Jesus came from heaven to do that for us, so it can’t be that difficult to leave our self-centeredness to model unselfishness for our kids, right?

Actually, it is difficult. Somewhere in the center of the Garden of Eden our DNA changed from a willingness to submit and follow the lead of our Creator to a willfulness that drives us to look for ways to disregard the standard set by him and find our own way. Whenever we are centered on finding what pleases self, we know we – just like Adam and Eve - are headed directly into the path of pain and separation from the One who loves us best. Why not try making your attitude reflect the attitude of Christ, who…even though he was God in the flesh…

“did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself NOTHING, taking the very nature of a servant… he humbled himself and became obedient to death, even the cross!”   from Philippians 2:5-8 (NIV)

God isn’t asking you to be nailed to a cross for your spouse. He is simply asking you to love with a love that puts their needs ahead of yours. He implores you to ask the question, “How can I help?” To risk knowing exactly what they need from you to keep their emotional tank full so they can better submit and love selflessly. That's what I want for my kids! How about you?

Creator, open our hearts to see the joy in following Your example and serving one another in love. Help us to learn to love as you have loved us; to be full of mercy and grace; to be willing to honor one another above ourselves."