Couples That Win

I love watching parents of toddlers redirect them when they are not doing what they should or what is safe and acceptable. By removing the temptation of the unsafe activity with an object or activity and replacing it with another, they have changed the focus to what is a healthier, safer choice for them. How blessed for the child whose parents take the time to do this and explain their reasoning in a kid-friendly manner.

As God followers, we are under the care of a loving Heavenly Father. Just because we are adults doesn’t mean that we have lost the desire to do the things that are not healthy for our mind, body and spirit. We will always have temptation flirting with us, because Satan’s plan is to attack a God he cannot defeat, by winning the souls of God’s children. Last week at camp a child asked me if it was rude to call the devil, Stupid. My response was that “stupid” is an ugly word and it doesn’t describe the devil well at all, because he is very smart. Satan is crafty and sneaky and learns us well so that he knows just what to dangle in front of us.  He has been practicing his craft since the Garden of Eden, however, he only has power over us as we allow his tempting to take control of our actions. We, too, need to be redirected!

"God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation ... 

Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away.

 These desires give birth to sinful actions.

 And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death."

Okay, let’s bring this a little closer to home because I believe that the home is where Satan is on the prowl the most. If he can destroy the love and respect we have for one another in our homes he will effectively undermine the foundation upon which God built families to grow and thrive. One of the fundamental temptations we all seem to face is that we are primarily concerned about ourselves. As unselfish as we can be as parents, our character seems to shift when it comes to how we treat our mate. We want to win. We want to be right. We want to be loved first. We want to be respected first. We want to be admired first. So much of the “love” that we give to our spouse has conditions. Look at yourself and determine if that is where you are in your relationship. “If he would just…”  “If she could simply…” If your actions and attitudes are determined by what someone else is doing or saying, then your love for them is conditional and is not pleasing to God and is truly not even love, but a contractual relationship.

The first step in strengthening your marriage is to accept the fact that you have selfish tendencies and you struggle to love when your needs are not being met. That is only true if you are breathing right now. It is something that is in our nature that can only be changed as we submit ourselves to God, moment by moment, and allow Him to fill our needs so that we can pour ourselves out for one another.

The second step is running from the temptation to fight for your rights and win the battle. All that fighting may win battles but it will ultimately cost you the victory in the war for your family. James cautions us to… “Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (4:7). Trying to be strong enough to fight the temptation of your carnal soul is pointless. Simply run away from that temptation to fight for the win… because sin never pays what temptation offers. EVER!

Finally, replace your craving to win and receive honor, with a desire to win the favor of God and give Him honor. It’s back to that toddler issue. Redirect your thoughts and desires from seeking to be blessed, to ways that you can be a blessing.  Don’t try this alone. It will take a Supernatural touch for the Master who created you to bring about that kind of transformation. Walking hand and hand with Him is the only way to succeed. Thomas Chalmers said, “It is seldom that our bad habits or flaws disappear by the natural process of extinction or the instrumentality of reasoning or by the force of mental determination…. We must replace the desire for one particular object, with the desire for another.” 

Is Jesus what your heart desires? Is your gaze on Him as the prize? Imagine the harmony in our homes if we would replace the desire to be honored and blessed with the desire to honor and bless.

If you truly want a win at home, admit your selfishness, flee from the temptation to win each battle and keep your focus on Jesus. He will bring the transformation that you need in your life and in your home. 

Perseverance and Wisdom: Keys to Successful Parenting

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

3because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 

4Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

5If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

James 1-2-5

Each week, as I listen to Pastor Chris’ sermon I try to find a way to take that message and apply it to life as a parent. This week he made my task easy. As a parent, we will face trials and our faith will be tested, on a regular basis. And there is nothing in this life that will help us mature more than helping a child grow up. The most valuable part of this passage just may be that the key ingredient we will need is wisdom, which is readily available if we will simply ask Him.

If I had a nickel for every time I have heard a parent say, “I had no clue parenting could be this hard!” well, I would have a whole lot of nickels! There is so much joy in looking into the face of your child when they make a valuable discovery or when they say something adorable or when they learn a new skill or tell you that you are the best mom in the world. Those are the sweet memories we cherish for a lifetime. But that is not the whole or parenting.

What about those times when that baby cries and cries and you have no idea why; when the toddler continues the same behavior even after you have redirected them dozens of times; when they defy you time after time? How about when they hate school and refuse to apply themselves; when they torment their siblings to the point of all-out battle; when they choose the wrong kind of friends? What about when they have a medical problem that the doctors can’t fix and their pain is too much to bear? Or when they push buttons you didn’t even know you had; when the parent you always wanted to be vanishes as Monster Mom rises to the surface?

Maybe you haven’t experienced all of the above scenarios, but I have. When you have had over 50 foster kids live under your roof, there is little that you don’t experience in the parenting realm.  My failures, some days, seemed to overshadow my triumphs and Monster Mom had to take a “time-out” for the sake of the children… and perhaps for the safety of the planet!

When you have kids, life gets ‘real’ and you learn really quickly that it’s tougher than it looks. There were many things that I didn’t expect, but, most of all, I never expected to fail at mom-ing… but I did. And those memories provide the most profound sorrow and haunting regret that I have ever experienced. Even though I am convinced nobody has ever tried harder than I did, read more than I read, loved more than I loved… I still failed.

My point is not  just true confession here. It is to tell you that parenting is hard because we live in a broken world and we are broken people raising, teaching, nurturing and growing more broken people. AND NO ONE SHOULD TRY THAT ALONE.

For every act of defiance, parents get the opportunity to learn perseverance. How will your child know that you are in control if they are able to take control from you? Imagine the danger of giving your child the wheel and telling them to drive you to work. Essentially, that is what we are doing when we allow them to do as they wish without redirecting them and explaining the danger they will experience on that willful path. Allowing your child to ignore or defy you is like telling them they have no parent to direct them. Each time they get away with a behavior that you have forbidden, you have lost a battle in a war you can’t really afford to lose. I believe that we have to “choose our battles,” because some things just aren’t worth fighting for. Is that last bite of uneaten broccoli really going to cause a child in Africa to starve if our 4 year old doesn’t finish it? So asking God for wisdom will help you define when to stand your ground and not allow them to take that hill.

Your perseverance in taking leadership in your home is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children. It gives them peace and stability, even if they behave as if it is capital punishment to have to comply with the standard you set. I would caution you, however, to allow the wisdom of God to direct your parenting decisions. Godly parenting is NOT about getting them to comply with your wishes, but about getting them to comply with the Creator. He has a standard. He has a plan. We are mandated to train our children in such a way that they understand the value of surrendering to God’s will… and not to the pattern of this world. That will take all the perseverance you can grab hold of. That will demand the best of you. That will require you to recognize the voice of our Creator and comply with His leading in your life. That will require you to seek the wisdom of God as you shape the lives of your children. It will also help you to put Monster Mom in a cage and throw away the key.

Parenting is HARD.  I get it. But failure, due to attempting it alone, is unacceptable. You have a Resource. Wisdom is just an “ask” away. If you hope to succeed in leading your children, you will need to invite your Father to lead you first. Then you listen and obey, for the sake of the children… and maybe for the sake of the planet!

Be A Good Shepherd

Sheep are interesting creatures. Left to their own devises they would have a difficult time surviving, especially in the Middle East, which is the locale from which David experienced life with the flock. He writes Psalm 23 as a shepherd who knows the needs of the sheep and as a “sheep” who realizes his need of a Shepherd.

As parents, we are given the responsibility of being the “under-shepherd” to our children, charged with the duty to raise them in such a way that they will recognize the voice of the Good Shepherd and be prepared to follow as He leads.  Let’s take a look at a few of David’s observations and see how we can bring that home.

¹ The Lord is my shepherd. He gives me everything I need.

It is our assignment, straight for God’s Word, to provide… not just for the physical needs of our children, but for their spiritual needs, too.  We wouldn’t think of allowing them to go a day without food, but how many days do we go without sharing God’s promises or instructions with them?  Are you nourished in the Truth that will give direction to your life? It’s hard to supply their needs if you are neglecting your own.

²     He lets me lie down in fields of green grass.
He leads me beside quiet waters.
³     He gives me new strength.

We, like sheep, need quiet rest in order to function well. As parents, we have to be the enforcer of that, rather than the one who is constantly shouting, “Go Go Go!” and enrolling them in activities that prevent them from having the time to meditate and hear the voice of the Shepherd. Raging waters are an unsafe place for a sheep to drink. They can easily be carried away by the current. The same will happen with our children when we rush them through life without time to rest quietly and digest the Truth that God wants them to hear. It is there that they will gain Spiritual strength and stamina.
He guides me in the right paths
    for the honor of his name.

It is so easy to direct our children’s behaviors for the honor of the family name. We don’t want to be embarrassed in public… we want them to be good citizens… we want them to be at their best when the world is watching… but often it is because we realize that it is a reflection of our parenting. It is vital, as we guide and direct the behaviors of our children, that we are doing so with the knowledge of God’s desires for us and His plan for them. We must teach them to share because we love one another, not just because it will create less fussing. We must teach them to listen because there are vitally important things they need to hear, not just because you are the authority. It’s really all about Jesus… not about us. Raising them to honor Him is critical.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid.
    You are with me.

Dark valleys are part of life. Our kids will struggle and bad things will happen and that is when we have the opportunity to parent like our Good Shepherd. He doesn’t shield us from pain, but reminds us that He is with us and has access to all we need to get through it. He is our comfort and our protection. He is our ever-present, loving God. Be there for your kids. Don’t try to dismiss their fears, but realize that to them, they are very real. Love them through it so they know you intend to be there for them, whatever the scenario.

Your shepherd’s rod and staff
    comfort me.

I love this part. The dual purpose of the rod and staff of a shepherd speaks volumes. They were not tools to beat the sheep into submission, but could be used to ward off the enemy as well as direct the sheep, protecting them from falling into danger or rescuing them when they got into a situation they couldn’t get themselves out of.  It is our job to direct our kids. When they are out of control, they are in danger and they need to be brought back to safety. It is so easy to discipline out of anger, rather than to see the danger that unacceptable behavior brings. Quickly halt the steps that are heading toward the precipice and as you reel them in, explain why they must not veer off to that dangerous place. “You must listen to me because I am able to see the things that you are not tall enough (or mature enough) to see. If you cannot listen and obey, then you are not safe and I will need to keep you right beside me until you learn to listen and obey because I love you.” There is great comfort to a child when they know that someone is there to keep them on the safe path.

⁵ You prepare a feast for me
    right in front of my enemies.
You pour oil on my head.
    My cup runs over.

Sometimes the “feast” we prepare for our kids is actually the enemy! I am not the biggest health nut around, but I observe a lot of children and the behaviors that seem to stem from the nutrition or the lack of nutrition they receive. Consider the fact that everything that goes into our bodies is intended for our good and if we allow them to fill up on junk, we can expect a negative impact on them physically and behaviorally. 

The same is true of the way they feed their minds. What is going into their heads on a daily basis? Are they feasting on the Truth they need to combat the Enemy of their soul?

A shepherd puts oil on the head of the sheep in order to protect them from insects and parasites that would get into their eyes and ears, causing infection. We are mandated by our laws to vaccinate and inoculate our children to protect them and those they associate with. There is also a mandate in God's Word to protect our children from the Enemy by surrounding them with His Truth, His Love, His Law. Sadly, there is no one checking up on us to make sure we follow through with that.
⁶ I am sure that your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life.
And I will live in the house of the Lord
    forever.

What greater goal can there be for any parent than to know that we have done all we can to help our kids see and value the provision and love of their Heavenly Father and desire to walk with Him throughout their lives here and into eternity?

Be a good under-shepherd. Your little lambs need you!