Be Kind

I have never met anyone who, on their wedding night said to their beloved, “I can’t wait to have a knock down drag out fight that makes me so angry I will harbor a grudge against you for the rest of our lives.” It just isn’t something that we plan to do. We plan to love through thick and thin, for a lifetime; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health…  In reality, however, most of us have said and heard painful, unforgettable things to our spouse out of our anger, hurt or frustration and struggle with the memory of it for a long time.  Paul has a lot to say about that in his letter to the church at Ephesus. Boiled down to a phrase, he says DON’T DO THAT!!!!

Paul says that these things happen because we fall back into that old life, where SELF is at the center and our own needs and desires take control. We become tired, stressed, and just plain irritable and self creeps back up onto the throne of our life and we want what we want. PERIOD. We begin to feel bitter, angry and maybe even fly into a rage.  When on the receiving end, we tend to hang on to those feelings as if they are our protection from future pain, when in reality they will become the source of future pain.

How do we prevent that in our marriage or other relationships? Well, Paul gives us the algebraic formula. I don’t claim to be a math scholar by any stretch, but I do remember that when we needed to get rid of a negative from one side of an equation, we had to add a positive to both sides. So he doesn’t leave us hanging with a command to “stop that!” negative behavior, but gives us the positive behavior that will help it disappear.

“Be kind and tender to one another, forgive each other”…  and there you have it! If you really want to put a halt to the anger and resentment that has built up and hardened your heart, start by showing kindness to the one that you are feeling malice toward. You probably can’t do this on your own. That’s what is so amazing about true transformation – It comes from the heart of God and flows through you, bringing about the needed changes… but only as you grant Him permission to mold you.

Parents, I guarantee you that your kids are being shaped by the degree with which you extend kindness and tenderness to each other. They will learn grace and forgiveness according to the standard you are setting at home.  If you are concerned about their image of a grace-filled, loving God, then it is time to “put away every form of hatred” and show them what it means to love and forgive, right there at home.

Get rid of all hard feelings, anger and rage.

Stop all fighting and lying.

Put away every form of hatred.

Be kind and tender to one another.

Forgive each other,

just as God forgave you because of what Christ has done.

Ephesians 4:31-32

Uniting Surrender and Control

Kids live in the moment. They struggle to see beyond NOW and don’t like having to wait for the things they want. As we mature, hopefully, we learn patience and discover that there are steps we must climb if we want to get to the next level. Sometimes those steps are tedious; sometimes monotonous; sometimes difficult… but all the time important and necessary if we hope to arrive at the desired place. In all aspects of life – physical, emotional, spiritual and mental - growth occurs only as we climb to a higher level.

As parents, we see the need for this growth to develop in our children. What is appropriate for a toddler is not appropriate for a third grader so we teach… and teach …. and teach…  and on and on it goes! Often we become weary and wonder if we will ever have a moment to breathe when we don’t have to be guiding them out of one undesirable behavior into a more appropriate one. The key is to stay the course and remind yourself that training/teaching/guiding is what creates the forward momentum necessary to turn a ego-centric, immature child into a mature, responsible, others-focused adult.

The fact is, parenting is an awesome, gruesome, beautiful, impossible job that gets no vacation time, no sick leave, no monetary benefit. It is the greatest responsibility ever known to humanity; the shaping of a life, and it cannot be done well without keeping your eye on the ultimate goal. Paul tells the converts of the first century church that the way to find the plan God has for them is to become like Christ (Romans 8:29). Simple, right? Raise your kids to be like Jesus and they will find the path he has for them. Period.

While that is an oversimplification, it is absolutely primary and many things we think are important will fall away if we keep the MOST important thing, the most important thing!  Parenting is an assignment in simultaneously implementing surrender and control. Fully submitting to the authority of Christ in our lives we learn to surrender our agenda and our less than Divine desires for ourselves and our kids. At the very same moment, we must exercise strength as we take control of the behaviors of our kids. Taking control of our kids without first submitting to His control will lead the whole family on a path of futility. Conversely, shaping your child while God is shaping you will reap a harvest of peace and righteousness (Hebrews 12:11). 

If you are in a place where you feel like a broken record when it comes to raising your kids, don't lose heart. Keep your focus on the prize and your feet on the path that God has for you. Draw strength for each day from the time you spend alone with God... even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom or park the kids in front of a video for a bit. Find the strength in the quiet place of God's presence. Be energized as you use His strength, that powerfully works within you, to bring your kids to a place where He will have supremacy in their lives.

"...With all the wisdom we have, we warn and teach everyone.

When we bring them to God, we want them to be perfect as people who belong to Christ.

That's what I am working for. I work hard with all of Christ's strength. 

His strength works powerfully in me." 

Colossians 1:28-29

The Right Path

Have you ever been so deep in thought that you missed your turn, ran into something, or missed an important message?   Your focus took a momentary (or not so momentary) detour and you ended up somewhere you never intended to go. It happens quite easily when we are distracted. And when it comes to raising kids in a hectic whirlwind of activities, distraction often becomes the norm. That being the case, is it any wonder that statistics show that parents who claim to be God followers are not raising children who grow up and choose to follow God? Distractions pull us off course and away from the path God has set for us.

 In his letter to the church in Philippi, Paul admits that he has had a few detours off the course God had for him, but he has found the secret to reaching the goal… “focusing all my energies on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race to receive the prize…” Philippians 1:13-14 Said another way, Carpi Diem! Seize the day!  Stop looking back at the times you strayed from the path and failed to reach your destination and focus on where you want to go and strain to reach that goal… not just for yourself, but for those who come behind you.

The proverb states, “Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it.” (Proverbs 22:6)  The best way to teach your children the path of godliness is to walk with them on that path. If you aren’t staying on the path, why should they?

Don’t tell them where the right path is while you take a different path because they will not value what is not of value to you.

Don’t demand that they comply with a strict code of conduct that has no meaning to them so that they will find the right path because imposing rules without relationship will leave them doubting the existence of a God who longs to walk with them.

Don’t send them to church so they can hear about the right path because they know that if that path was important, you would be on it.

Make life in your home about seeking God’s direction one attitude, one action, one decision, one moment at a time…TOGETHER.  You are not perfect. You are human. You will have victories and you will feel defeated. But there is a prize for those who are willing to strain to reach the goal and walking intimately with the One who made you, knows you, adores you and wants nothing more than to be with you throughout eternity is a pretty amazing prize. What could possibly be a better use of your energy than to travel that right path with your kids? 

What Will You Grow In 2015?

 “Don't be fooled. You can't outsmart God. A man gathers a crop from what he plants.  Some people plant to please their sinful nature. From that nature they will harvest death. Others plant to please the Holy Spirit. From the Spirit they will harvest eternal life. Let us not become tired of doing good. At the right time we will gather a crop if we don't give up.”   Galatians 6:7-9

What does it mean to plant to please the Holy Spirit? It seems like we get caught up in a pile of “Dos and Don’ts” and never quite figure it out. Recently I have had a glimpse into what I think it means…

I often refer to my dad in my writings, because I have been blessed so much by him. And I am not alone. The cancer that has him looking at the final stretch of his journey on earth, seems to have brought an endless parade of people telling how their lives have been transformed by his willingness to put self aside and allow the Spirit of God to freely live in him. I am witnessing the beginning of dad reaping what he has sown. 

By the standards of our society, it doesn’t appear that his life has reaped much of a reward. He has virtually no assets. Doesn’t own a home and never has. His last car was over 20 years old when he got it. Most all of his clothing comes from Salvation Army, he draws no pension, lives on a meager Social Security check and has a small amount in his savings account… in case someone else needs something.  Don’t misunderstand. He has always been a hard worker and didn’t retire until he was 80, but he was never the type to store up treasures here on earth. After meeting the needs of his wife and children, he gave unselfishly to anyone who needed it.

Dad planted “to please the Holy Spirit” and this is what grew within him… “the fruit of the Spirit, which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Galatians 5:22-23. There is not a single one on that list that isn’t manifested in my dad. It didn’t happen because he was determined to exhibit those attributes. They simply grew out of a life that didn’t seek to please himself, but to put self out of the way to make room for the Spirit to inhabit his innermost being so that God could be seen, not Clarence Franklin, for most of his 81 years.

As 2015 begins, make this year different. Push away the desire to live to please self and live in a manner that makes room for the Spirit of God to grow in those places where you have stepped aside. Think you aren’t cut out for that kind of thing? Think again. We were all created to thrive when we unite with the Spirit of God and we all struggle when we try to live life to please ourselves… without making room for Him.

Someday, your children will reflect on your life in the same way I have been with my dad. What a blessing it would be to hear them report that they cannot identify you in any way other than one who lived their life planting to please the Holy Spirit and reaping a harvest of lives transformed by the fruit you bore.