Lifestyle vs Lessons

Teaching good moral values to your children is not a matter of lessons, but lifestyle. We behave the way we do because of how our character directs us. Our character is formed by observing the way the people around us behave and emulating their behaviors, good or bad. 

There is a nature within all of us that has to be “trained” away.  I believe that our ego fills our entire being at birth and as we mature our character begins to take the space that our ego once filled. At birth everything is about “me.”  Feed “me.” Hold “me.” Comfort “me.” In time, however, we learn that we are not the center of the universe and sometimes we have to wait to be fed or comforted. We realize there are other people in the world and they, too, have needs to be met. As we accept this fact and begin to be a part of meeting the needs of others, a positive character begins to form.

When we guide our children, we must realize that the behavior we sometimes overlook as typical childishness has the destructive root of self-centeredness and it needs to be plucked out in order to truly build their character. If we hope to raise them to be responsible and ethical and kind, we have to replace their need to be number one with an awareness of how their behavior impacts other people. Don’t expect to teach them to be “good” or train them to do the right thing with the result of building their character. You may change their behavior, but you have not yet touched their heart, which is where true character is formed. As they grow up and go into the world, others will be speaking into their lives endeavoring to change their values, derail their character, shape their decisions and readjust their moral compass. We must establish a scriptural, unchanging truth in their hearts in order for them to recognize what their Maker deems as unchanging truth. Saturate yourself in God’s Truth and  make that the foundation upon which you build the character of your children.

Here is a great starting place… the Bible teaches us to honor one another above ourselves. Society embraces a mentality that if it feels good or makes you happy, it is the right thing to do. We are surrounded by messages that we need to pamper ourselves and indulge in grand things in order to be mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. These attitudes are polar opposites of what Jesus taught. Godly parenting means that we uphold the truths that Jesus taught. He told stories to help His followers see the values He embraced. He reminded them that a godly life must be built upon the foundation of loving God and others. He plainly stated to his disciples that they were to serve others and taught by His example.

Let’s get personal…. Mom and Dad, your children’s fundamental and foundational lesson in how to love others is the way they witness you loving each other. Do they see you honoring each other above yourselves or sulking when your needs go unmet? Do they hear kind words and see thoughtful actions? Are frustrations addressed respectfully without the determination to be right? Do you listen and try to see from their perspective or just shut down when conflict arises? When you harbor anger and resentment and the tension in your relationship is palpable, what your children are learning is that SELF is the ruling authority in your life and they will copy that behavior. Conversely, they will learn their most valuable life lessons when they see the joy in YOU as you love and serve one another. As I type this, there is a prayer in my heart for all who will read this. Denying self is NOT easy, but it is essential if we hope to shape the hearts of our children to value others. Prejudice and pride will grow in the hearts of our children when they see that our differences create barriers to love. As followers of God it is our responsibility to shape the future of our culture by demonstrating God's unconditional love, first in our homes, then in our world. 

When Jesus sent out the disciples to teach and heal and serve, He warned them that some would respond with kindness while others would persecute them. Our tendency is to want justice and too often we look for the reward for good behavior, rather than realizing that loving and serving  is its own reward. That reward is the strength of character that forms within us when we do the right thing for the right reason- to honor others above ourselves.

In a society where we have learned to honor others above ourselves there would be no injustice, no prejudice, no violence, no selfishness, no crime. Perfect love would be established as the Constitution and there would be no need for a Bill of Rights. I haven’t been there, but I think I just described heaven. We will never achieve such a culture this side of heaven, but we certainly can begin to live in such a manner … and teach our children to do likewise… so that heaven will feel like home when we arrive.

     May the power of God's love overwhelm you as you learn to love and honor one another at home.

NOTE: This message, like all messages, can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. We cannot possibly serve in the capacity that God desires if we neglect the care of self. It is a balancing act that has to be mastered through walking with God, learning continually from His Word and listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

Too Busy To Be A Sheep

We have heard the parable that Jesus told about the sheep and the goats in order to help His followers understand the importance of giving to those in need.  Jesus made it clear that by ignoring the problems that we truly CAN do something about, we are ignoring Him. When we give to those who have no way of repaying us, we are giving to Him.  

Maybe, right now, you don’t feel you are in a place to help anyone. We sometimes find ourselves without margin in our lives, both with our money and our time. This is the issue that has been troubling me lately. I hear so many young parents feeling exhausted by their schedules. Not necessarily at work, but at home. They are so busy running their children to this practice and that game and this party and that lesson that they don’t even have time to parent; to sit at the table and enjoy a family meal; to have a leisurely evening riding bikes; to enjoy the fact that God gave them children to love and shape. Rather they are frustrated, short-tempered and not taking the needed time to coach and train their children as scripture clearly tells us is the essential task of every parent.

Why?  I keep asking that question and am not getting a satisfactory answer. Why do parents choose to involve their children in so many activities that there is no time for training or leisure or parental relaxation? Why do they stay so busy that there is no time to help those in need. Why do they fill their calendars so that they are constantly on the go and their homes are neglected? Can anyone give me a good explanation? What is this attraction of busyness that appears to be the most important thing in the lives our most of all these exhausted parents?

I am often drawn in by the simple life of the Amish around us. They are known for their keen sense of seeing a need in their community and rallying to meet the need. That would definitely put them among the sheep. From the time a child is born they will travel with their parent to the home of someone in need. Even before they are big enough to help, they are witnessing their parents giving of themselves. Their children grow up knowing that, whenever possible, they will go to the aid of others. That’s what they do. It becomes a rich part of their lifestyle.

I know the frailty of comparing our culture to the Amish culture because the differences are vast, however, our “progress” has taken our eyes off of what Jesus told His followers was of great importance… to love one another. To honor one another above ourselves. To feed the hungry. To visit the imprisoned. To clothe the naked. He told us to serve one another in love… but somehow we have come to believe that filling our days with keeping our children busy with hobbies, sports, lessons, etc. is what will bring them success in life. So we fill their days with these activities and what is the payoff?  Will they become successful athletes? Will they earn a scholarship? Will they gain fame and fortune? Maybe… “And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul? (Matthew 16:26).

Parents, may I remind you that YOU are they one that God is trusting to raise your children to know His ways and follow Him. Don’t keep them so busy doing what the world sees as profitable that they don’t have the time and energy to invest in the lives of the people around them who could benefit a great deal from their compassion.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, “Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat. I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me… Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.  Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.”   (from Matthew 25: 34-41).

God has prepared wonderful things beyond our imaginings for our children. It is our job to point them to those things by guiding them away from a “me” focus, to an “others” focus that will cause their life to have true meaning.

When God Said, "NO," part 2

Last week, in my blog, I spoke about our daughter, Emily and God’s “No…but…” You may need to read that so you can connect the dots in this week’s blog.

I was 28 years old and a rule follower. I was in church every time the doors were open. I taught Sunday School. I thought of myself as a very committed Christian. I knew God, wanted to follow Him and I was raising my children to love Him, too.  I had faith going into the crisis, but not nearly as much as I did coming out of it.

I prayed every kind of prayer I could pray for Emily. Our 8-year old, laying in that hospital bed unable to move her arms and legs or even turn her head. She could talk, but very faintly. She could move her eyes, but they peered out of a face that was unrecognizable since the steroid treatment made her face swell so much that when she talked, her mouth bled because her teeth would rub her swollen cheeks raw.

The Doctor told us that the pain she was feeling could likely be compared to what I would feel if I did 1000 sit-ups. Her muscles were so inflamed that the enzymes that measured inflammation were elevated from an barely acceptable 100 to a horrific 2800. Watching her suffer like that was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

During the 6 months that Emily was hospitalized, I had to stay close to her side because she couldn’t talk loud enough to get my attention from across the room and she didn’t have the strength to push her call light if she needed something. There was no place to cry or allow myself to crumble into the heap of emotions that were bottled up inside of me.

When those emotions finally surfaced, anger took the lead. I had devoted my life to a God that didn’t seem to care about the anguish my sweet little girl was experiencing.  I was MAD! One night, as I was talking to my father (out of range for Emily to hear), I told him that I was done with God. He was the closest thing to God that I could imagine so he seemed the likely one to pass on my message to the God that I was not on good terms with at that moment. Why would I want to serve a God that doesn’t care and doesn’t show up in the darkest hours of my life? I felt betrayed; like I had invested in a scam. I just wanted to rant and rave and purge my soul of all the pain that was rotting within me. And dad was silent on the other end of the line allowing me to do that very thing. And then he slowly and lovingly reminded me that there is nothing left if I excluded God. No other power to heal or restore of give grace and strength. Even if God was silent and seemingly unmoved by our sorrow, He was still God. He was still ever present and all knowing. He was still the One who had created that beautiful little girl and that knew all about the workings of her body and what was happening to her. He was still the One that was building something inside of her that we could not see. And He was building something inside of me at the same time. Something I couldn’t see or feel.

That was a turning point for me. That was the beginning of the transformation from being a good religious person to being a person that was ready to wait for a God I could not see and follow when it didn’t make sense. That was when I promised to follow, no matter what, and “what” scared me to death. That was when I asked Him for some sign that He was truly here with me, feeling my pain, knowing my sorrow. And in the midst of the storm I saw the rainbow, vivid and immense, letting me know that He was the God who was a keeper of promises and He would not leave or forsake, but was right beside me.

Emily has never experienced the healing that we all prayed for. She still struggles with the things that we all take for granted. Her disease has flared many times through the years…to the point of not even being able to hold her newborn baby or not being able to chew and swallow without a great deal of difficulty. She can’t do the simple household tasks that we begrudge having to do. She is trapped inside a body that needs harsh drugs in order to survive. BUT, also in that disease ridden body lives a heart filled with love for her Lord; that sings His praise with the voice of an angel; that is able to see blessings in spite of her disability; that does all she can to share the goodness of God that has manifested itself over and over in her life.

If you are asking God for a miracle and you aren’t seeing the results you want, maybe you are like me and are looking in all the wrong places. God is at work in your situation. He is by your side, just waiting for you to notice. I sure didn’t see the miracle for a very long time, but hind-sight, as they say, is 20/20.  I can tell you that God worked in the lives of hundreds of people as a result of that precious little life that faced what seemed to be insurmountable difficulties. He is still using it for good and His love shines through every struggle she faces.

Sometimes, when you think God isn’t showing up, think again. He is always there. He is always God. He takes all that we surrender to Him and makes something beautiful of it.

When God Said "NO"

It was the winter of 1986 that I first started to beg and plead and cry for the life of my first born. She was eight years old and so very ill with an auto-immune disease. We had met with the specialists and they told us that the only treatment they believed could perhaps save her life could also take her life. Their words echoed over and over in my head. She could die from suffocation as her lungs shut down, strangulation as her palatal muscles ceased to function or the medication.

I tried to reason with God. Emily had been such a lovely child from day one; an excellent student; sharp as a tack, kind and obedient. She was sweet and gifted and loved by all who knew her. She didn’t deserve this kind of pain and suffering. I would have taken the pain myself, if possible, just to give her some relief. In exchange for my reasoning, I got silence. My husband reminded me that there wasn’t a child alive that did deserve this disease, so arguing that Emily didn’t deserve it was not really an ironclad case to bring before the Judge. But I didn’t care and I continued to remind Him.

When we made the decision to allow them to administer the medication, a network of prayer warriors joined us in praying for the life of our little girl during the 72 hours of greatest danger. She survived, but the medication caused muscle myopathy and took the little strength she had, leaving her completely immobile and barely able to move. She couldn’t even lift her hand to her eyes to wipe the tears that ran down her cheeks. And I continued to beg God for healing.

I knew God was able. I knew He was mighty. I don’t think I ever doubted that. But what I didn’t understand was how a loving God who had the cure for her disease could, day after day, continue to allow her to suffer. My heart was breaking, not just for her life that seemed to be slipping away, but for her brother, left with strangers (since we had just moved to a new community weeks before Emily had to be hospitalized an hour and a half from our new home), attending a new school, and unable to process all that was happening to his sister.

As Emily began to stabilize, I would take a day a week and drive home to spend time with little, first grade Justin. It was on one of those drives in the spring that I was finally resigned to giving the entire situation over to the God who was mighty enough to handle something way too big for me to carry. I remember hearing all the well intentioned advice telling me to “demand healing and have the faith to move the hand of God”… or, “repent of the sin in your life and she will walk again”… or even, “if you speak to God in the heavenly language he will hear and answer your prayers.”  Chucking all such advice to the wind, I simply asked God for his healing touch in Emily’s little pain drenched body and followed that request with, “but if you can use her pain to win souls to You, then give us all the strength and grace to endure whatever lies ahead.” And that was a prayer that changed everything.

I didn’t want that to be the outcome, but I knew that all my wants and wishes; all my begging and pleading; all my perfect little scenarios that would come as a result of the miracle I asked for; were completely MY will for her life. What parent wouldn’t want that? After months in the hospital, watching her fight for every little accomplishment, I finally figured out that God had a bigger plan for her and I needed to fall in line with HIS plan, even if that plan was a big fat “NO!” As I prayed this prayer of release, I looked in my mirror to change lanes and the entire sky was glowing with the beauty of a rainbow that extended from horizon to horizon. The storm was raging, yet the promise remained. He is ABLE!

It’s 30 later and God shows me over and over again how His might and power may very well be mightier and more powerful when He says, “No.”  Emily did, in fact, learn to walk again. She walked down the aisle on her daddy’s arm the day she married her amazing husband, Mike. She has given us 2 beautiful granddaughters who are complete miracles…gifts from God. And still she struggles daily. Her strength is diminished greatly and the most common tasks are an effort for her. But she lives in victory because God’s strength is manifested in her in ways that we would not see, had He answered my plea the way I expected. She is likely the most godly woman I have ever met and she walks with the One who has taught her that “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” And she can proclaim with the Apostle Paul, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”  From 2 Corinthians 12:9

When God tells us “NO” there is always a “but” that follows it… and in that “but” you will find victorious living, because He has promised to never leave or forsake us.  His grace IS sufficient for whatever path lies ahead for you.  Just ask Emily!