When God Said, "NO," part 2

Last week, in my blog, I spoke about our daughter, Emily and God’s “No…but…” You may need to read that so you can connect the dots in this week’s blog.

I was 28 years old and a rule follower. I was in church every time the doors were open. I taught Sunday School. I thought of myself as a very committed Christian. I knew God, wanted to follow Him and I was raising my children to love Him, too.  I had faith going into the crisis, but not nearly as much as I did coming out of it.

I prayed every kind of prayer I could pray for Emily. Our 8-year old, laying in that hospital bed unable to move her arms and legs or even turn her head. She could talk, but very faintly. She could move her eyes, but they peered out of a face that was unrecognizable since the steroid treatment made her face swell so much that when she talked, her mouth bled because her teeth would rub her swollen cheeks raw.

The Doctor told us that the pain she was feeling could likely be compared to what I would feel if I did 1000 sit-ups. Her muscles were so inflamed that the enzymes that measured inflammation were elevated from an barely acceptable 100 to a horrific 2800. Watching her suffer like that was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

During the 6 months that Emily was hospitalized, I had to stay close to her side because she couldn’t talk loud enough to get my attention from across the room and she didn’t have the strength to push her call light if she needed something. There was no place to cry or allow myself to crumble into the heap of emotions that were bottled up inside of me.

When those emotions finally surfaced, anger took the lead. I had devoted my life to a God that didn’t seem to care about the anguish my sweet little girl was experiencing.  I was MAD! One night, as I was talking to my father (out of range for Emily to hear), I told him that I was done with God. He was the closest thing to God that I could imagine so he seemed the likely one to pass on my message to the God that I was not on good terms with at that moment. Why would I want to serve a God that doesn’t care and doesn’t show up in the darkest hours of my life? I felt betrayed; like I had invested in a scam. I just wanted to rant and rave and purge my soul of all the pain that was rotting within me. And dad was silent on the other end of the line allowing me to do that very thing. And then he slowly and lovingly reminded me that there is nothing left if I excluded God. No other power to heal or restore of give grace and strength. Even if God was silent and seemingly unmoved by our sorrow, He was still God. He was still ever present and all knowing. He was still the One who had created that beautiful little girl and that knew all about the workings of her body and what was happening to her. He was still the One that was building something inside of her that we could not see. And He was building something inside of me at the same time. Something I couldn’t see or feel.

That was a turning point for me. That was the beginning of the transformation from being a good religious person to being a person that was ready to wait for a God I could not see and follow when it didn’t make sense. That was when I promised to follow, no matter what, and “what” scared me to death. That was when I asked Him for some sign that He was truly here with me, feeling my pain, knowing my sorrow. And in the midst of the storm I saw the rainbow, vivid and immense, letting me know that He was the God who was a keeper of promises and He would not leave or forsake, but was right beside me.

Emily has never experienced the healing that we all prayed for. She still struggles with the things that we all take for granted. Her disease has flared many times through the years…to the point of not even being able to hold her newborn baby or not being able to chew and swallow without a great deal of difficulty. She can’t do the simple household tasks that we begrudge having to do. She is trapped inside a body that needs harsh drugs in order to survive. BUT, also in that disease ridden body lives a heart filled with love for her Lord; that sings His praise with the voice of an angel; that is able to see blessings in spite of her disability; that does all she can to share the goodness of God that has manifested itself over and over in her life.

If you are asking God for a miracle and you aren’t seeing the results you want, maybe you are like me and are looking in all the wrong places. God is at work in your situation. He is by your side, just waiting for you to notice. I sure didn’t see the miracle for a very long time, but hind-sight, as they say, is 20/20.  I can tell you that God worked in the lives of hundreds of people as a result of that precious little life that faced what seemed to be insurmountable difficulties. He is still using it for good and His love shines through every struggle she faces.

Sometimes, when you think God isn’t showing up, think again. He is always there. He is always God. He takes all that we surrender to Him and makes something beautiful of it.