Tell Them Why We Say Thank You

Teaching your child to be truly grateful is much more than teaching them to say “thank you.” While listening to Sunday’s sermon on Gratitude, I had an epiphany. When I think of all the times I have made that command to a child without explaining to them what it means to really be grateful, well, it’s rather embarrassing. Sometimes I wish I could have a “do over” but then I regain consciousness, remember that it is much more fun to be a Gramma and realize I would rather just tell YOU all these things that I am learning so you will be a better parent than I!

In George Barna’s book, “Revolutionary Parenting,” he states:

“Kids are not always logical, but they expect their parents to have logical reasons for everything they do. Parents are not obligated to share that logic with their youngsters, but the extraordinary parents we interviewed noted that they typically included an explanation along with their commands so that the children felt that there was nothing capricious being foisted upon them. “I think my children learned a lot about their faith and values by my explaining my expectations and disciplinary measures…. I think they actually developed a better spiritual sense because they could follow my logic trail and see how I was combining our faith and their behaviors.””

We don’t explain things to our kids because they are ignorant, but because they are professional learners and without teaching, a learner has a huge void within. Like little sponges they soak up all we say and they sense our unspoken attitudes. Teach them to be grateful, but teach with respect for who they are and in awe of who they will become.

Imagine a child who understands that every good thing comes from the God who made them.

Imagine them knowing that we receive gifts from the Creator of the universe.          
Imagine a child that knows the value of expressing gratitude                   

Imagine the joy of growing up knowing that God is good and is providing for us.              

Imagine learning that, even when we don’t get all we hope for, God is still providing all we need. Imagine a child that understands that others have sacrificed to give to them.

Imagine demonstrating for a child that the joy of giving surpasses the joy of receiving.

Imagine grasping the truth that God lives in our praise and a grateful heart draws God near us.

Wouldn’t that child be better equipped to sing with the Psalmist,

“Give thanks to the Lord, because He is good. His faithful love continues forever.”

  (Psalm 107:1 NIrV)

"Do this..."

Christians and parents are often known for the same things. What we instruct others NOT to do. Growing up in the church I learned more about what a “good” Christian does NOT do than what we should do. Typically, when listening to parents interacting with their children we also hear a list of “DON’Ts.” Jesus knew his time had come to an end to walk with and instruct his followers. He did not want them to forget what He had taught or the sacrifice He would make for them, but he didn’t say…”Don’t forget!”  He said “Do this so that it will help you to remember.” (from Luke 22:19)

What if, as we train our children in the way that they should go, we were to give positive instruction, rather than negative commands?  “Stop jumping on the couch!” would become “Furniture is for sitting. Can you sit, please?”  “Stop hitting your sister!” would become “Hands are for helping and hugging. Please show kindness.”  Not only does is sound better, it works better because you are planting a positive thought instead of stating the negative behavior that you want to end. They will have no question of your expectation,

Chick Moorman, in his book “Parent Talk,” states that the subconscious mind doesn’t hear the word “don’t.” As you read on don’t think of a large purple hippo jumping rope while spitting watermelon seeds. What happened? If you are like most people you thought of exactly what I told you not to think of. That is what happens in the mind of your kids when you give negative instruction rather than positive.

The “next time” you need to correct a behavior, use “next time” instructions and you will be planting positive pictures in your child’s mind.

Not… “stop running in the house” but “Remember that we decided it is safer and better to walk in the house? Next time you come inside, I want you to show me that you remember that we walk inside.”

Not… “you are moving so slowly you’re going to make us late!” but “Next time I want you to come quickly so that we can leave on time.”

Not… “stop yelling at your sister” but “Next time you speak, make your words kind words to tell her what you need.”

In short, it is pretty much a waste of breath to tell your kids what NOT to do if you aren’t instructing them on the proper thing they SHOULD do.  Let’s follow Jesus example in teaching and leading our kids… “Do this…” and see where it takes you!

Compounding Interest In The Behavior Bank

"Good and evil both increase at compound interest.  That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later,  you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of."

These are the very wise words of C.S. Lewis. Conversely, the smallest act of disobedience or wavering from the course God has set out for you today is a victory for Satan as he works to gain a foothold in your life, your mind, your home.

Now, take that wisdom and translate it into parenting. An act of disobedience without consequences is an open invitation for your child's will to continue to battle yours.  If your child is repeating the same negative behaviors, then you are likely not effective in administering the appropriate discipline and their “naughty” bank has accrued enough interest to invest in more defiance. Your “look,” your volume, your lectures, your threats are not discipline. They are simply disapproval… and most children don’t really care if you approve or not, they just care that they can continue to do whatever they want without consequences.

We are charged with shaping the heart of our children so that it is ready to be a home for the Spirit of God. Defiant, disrespectful behavior will leave no room for or understanding of God’s guidance in their lives as they mature. Make certain that you fully understand the meaning of the mandate to “train up a child in the way they should go.”  Training does not mean telling and yelling. It means guiding, demonstrating, explaining why certain things are non-negotiable. The younger the child, the simpler the explanation… but explain you must! Sometimes “Because I said so,” if followed by “and I said so because it is my job to teach you the correct way to behave” is explanation enough. But if they are ready to comprehend where their negative behavior is leading, tell them!

Also, look for ways to applaud the good choices and tell them they were good choices. That is how they begin to note the difference between good and bad. “I love it when you share so nicely. That means that you care about how your brother feels which means you are getting to be quite a big boy!”  “Wow! That was the quickest first-time-obedience EVER! That means you are learning to do the right thing and we need to add some marbles to your good choices jar!” “I know you really wanted more candy, but when I said NO, you didn’t argue a bit! Great job!” “You just brushed your teeth without being told! I am so proud of you being so responsible!”

Most importantly, realize that you are not expected to parent alone. There is a God who has the answers and wants to help you. Immerse yourself in His Word and learn His ways so that it becomes second nature to impart His wisdom to your kids as they grow. It’s never too late to start a good thing. Today is a good day for new beginnings!

Teach Them To Give

For many parents, the change in the weather means our thoughts begin to lean toward the Christmas season and making it a magical time for the kids. Sadly, in our culture, the first thing we think of is the gifts we will buy for our kids who already have so much more than the majority of children of the world and seldom care enough about what they have to make sure it is put away properly at the end of the day.

We all want to give great things to our kids. What a difference it would make if our focus was not on tangible things that they can hold in their hands, but the intangibles that they can hold in their hearts. Here are a few ideas:

• ·         Give them focused time. They are hearing from their teachers to practice whole body listening. Model that as you listen to them. Eyes on them, body turned toward them, nodding, responding, smiling. 
• ·         Give them unconditional love. Allowing a child to see their parents love each other unconditionally is one of the best examples they can follow as they grow into adulthood. If you love them well, without loving your spouse well what they will learn is a performance based love
• ·         Give them laughter. Share a joke of the day or a funny video and laugh together.
• ·         Give them compassion. Use the internet to open their eyes to the needs in the world around them. Sheltering them perpetuates the greed and entitlement so common in our society. Let them visualize the disparity between the standard of living of Americans and the rest of the world.
• ·         Give them responsibility by working alongside them as you teach them to take ownership of their belonging.
• ·         Give them values by explaining that we, as God followers, believe and live as we do because we are commanded to be like Jesus.
• ·         Give them generosity by giving them opportunities to share with others who have needs greater than our own.
• ·         Give them music. Christian CDs are a great way to teach what you believe. Invest in a children’s CD that you can play in the car and sing together… over and over and over… If you need a suggestion, just ask!
• ·         Give them mentors. If it is true that it takes a village to raise a child, who are the adults you are allowing to pour into your kids? Are they godly people teaching godly values? Are your kids regularly exposed to those who follow Jesus and value the teaching of His Word?

Our own eyes have been trained to look at the “Jones’” next door and try to keep in step with what they have. This year for Christmas give your kids the eyes of Jesus so they can see a broadened vision of the world. Help them to see all they have and be grateful. Value them enough to teach them to be givers, not takers and show them how to “prefer one another in love,” “honor others above ourselves,” “do to others as we would have them do to us.”  Point them to the beauty around them that their Creator has provided and never stop looking for ways to love them that require no wrapping paper…. And let me be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas!

"For I was hungry, while you had all you needed.  I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water. I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported. I needed clothes, but you wanted more clothes, I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved."  

Matthew 25:42-32 RESV (Richard E. Stearns Version)

Stumbling Block or Building Block?

Most responsible parents want to know the friends their kids run with. Who are their parents? Where do they live? Are they “good” kids? Will they be a good influence or will they be a stumbling block and drag our kids down the wrong road?  BUT, how much time do we spend making sure that we, as responsible parents, are not being a stumbling block on their eternal journey?

I was thinking this week about some of the messages we send to our kids that cause them to stumble into believing the lies of the Deceiver:

“Church is for the weak.”

If you are strong and healthy you participate in sports every Sunday. If you aren’t good enough for sports, then there’s church. 

“Jesus is for old people.”

When you are young there are Saturday night sleepovers and late night parties. You can learn more about the Bible and living according to God’s plan when you grow up.

“Going to church makes you a Christian.”

God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, but if we attend church on Sunday that will cover for our behaviors during the week.

I really don’t think we intentionally send these messages to our kids, but have you ever thought of some of the messages our choices infer? The only real way to teach your kids is by intentionally choosing a pattern of living that demonstrates that you are learning, listening and obeying the Father. Don’t try to obey a creed or mimic someone you see as “good.” There is only One that is good. Spend time getting to know Him and He will direct you onto the path you and your family should follow.

Do you want to be a stumbling block to your kids? Nobody does… So be intentional about leading by being a good follower! And make sure you are following the true Leader!

“Jesus said to his disciples:

"Things that cause people to sin are bound to come,

but woe to that person through whom they come.”

Luke 17:1