The Wait Isn't Wasted

Last week I was with my grandson, Ethan, in Fort Wayne and we sat at a railroad crossing for about 15 minutes watching as they pulled the train forward, switched the lever, backed it up, dropped a car, pulled it forward, switched a lever, backed it up, picked up a car, pulled forward, switched a lever, backed up, dropped that car and pulled forward, switched the lever one more time so they could back up and get the car they finally made accessible and proceeded down the track. We joked about the education we were getting in trainery, which is a word I just made up, and since I had great company, the waiting wasn't wasted, but worthwhile.

That is not typically the response we have to waiting. I speak with people often who are in a difficult place in life and they want to see results. They want answers to the prayers they faithfully pray for God to save their marriage. But answers seldom come rapidly in those types of situations because change takes time and growth takes time and that is what we need if we want healing in our relationships. It seems like God should simply be able to Bibbidy Bobbity Boo our story and bring us quickly to the happily ever after we so desperately want. But, I have never seen God work that way and I think I know why.

First, we don’t see change because we are looking for God to change our spouse and what He really needs to do is change us. Our own heart needs to be shaped into the vessel that God can pour His love into so that we can love our mate, even if they never change at all. What a remarkable thing it is to look at them and feel a deep love when they haven’t changed, but our heart has.

Second, God has a way of getting all the dominos stacked just right so that when the wind of change blows, everyone and everything is in place to create the masterpiece He wants our relationships to be. He is at work in places you cannot see so that you end up receiving what you need, even though you didn’t know that you needed it.

Third, “God wants to do something in you before He does something for you.” That is a Craig Groeschel quote… and a really good one that we all should memorize. God isn’t going to fix your marriage; He isn’t going to turn your husband into prince charming; He isn’t going to turn your wife into the woman you dream about; He is going to change something in you… heal something in you that is broken and sick and troubled. He is working on preparing your heart to be the person you were made to be and that will begin the process of healing in your marriage.

Don’t give up when you don’t see the change you have been praying for. Keep praying, but change the focus of your prayer to, “God make me the person you want me to be.” When you begin to grow and change and develop into that masterpiece He is fashioning, your marriage will look better and better. The waiting is never wasted by God. He is always at work.

As you are communicating with God about your marriage, talk to each other, too. I have yet to meet someone that can actually read minds, so don’t fall into the pit of “if he truly loved me he would know what I need or what I am thinking.” Hog wash! Just tell him! Of course there is more to every story. Each marriage is unique. But the similarities are pretty consistent, as well. Keep praying for you marriage. Find a Godly person who has weathered the storms that come in every relationship and have them pray with you. And while you are waiting for the change to come, thank Him for the things that He is doing that you are completely unaware of. God is good and faithful. When you ask Him to help you love better, He is hard at work pruning away all that doesn’t fit His description of love. Let Him do His work in you and you will be amazed at how different your life will be and how rich your relationships will become.

Believe It Or Not

“Why?” asked the 3 year old … about 100 times a day. Sometimes we look at all those questions as teachable moments and love expanding their knowledge by explaining why they need rest or vegetables or why they need to be kind or why they need to go potty before a 3 hour ride in the car. Other times, we really don’t have the time or the patience to explain why and we just need them to accept the fact that we are the grown up calling the shots and their job is to listen and obey.

There is just something about the 3 year old mind that wants reasons. That is something that we never outgrow. Even as adults, we seem to function better if we understand why we are doing what we are doing. Some things are easy to grasp. We go to work to earn a paycheck to feed and clothe our families. We drive according to the speed limit to stay safer…. Or avoid a fine. We exercise to keep our bodies fit. We drink coffee so that we don’t hurt people.

But, what do we do with the things that we can’t find a reason for? How do we learn to accept what we don’t understand when there are no explanations forthcoming? There are so many things in life that just don’t make sense and, even when we inquire of the Master of the Universe, we don’t get answers. We sit in silence wondering why other people’s lives look so much better. Why their kids are healthier or why they seem to never have a financial set-back or why they seem to avoid marital struggles, or depression, or anxiety.

Often, while sitting in the silence, waiting for God to give us the Rx or remedy for our life we fall into the trap of despair that turns to doubt, leading us to the conclusion that God just simply doesn’t care about our relationships or our finances or the health of our loved one. That place of despair can lead us in two separate directions. The first is what I like to call Satan’s Amusement Park. He happily ushers us into that place where our emotions are up and down and our stomach slides miserably into our throat and the breath rapidly leaves our lungs causing fear and anxiety and hopelessness to take control of our lives. As the roller coaster of life whips us around, we realize we have no control of where we are going and the music from the carousel blasts the refrain proclaiming that God is dead, at least to us, and cannot do anything to help us out of this terrifying place.

There is, however, another avenue to take and avoid the terror. It doesn’t eliminate the pain or the questions or even the fear we feel in the painful places our journey may take us, but it is a shelter in the storm. Rather than allow the lies of Satan to convince you that you are forgotten by the One who made you for a purpose, you can simply sit in God’s waiting room, knowing that you are not alone. Knowing that you are not forgotten. Knowing that you are still His child. Knowing that He has a way out. Even when it is our own decisions that land us in a bad place, He will use it for our good when we entrust our lives to him.

Just like that 3 year old that doesn’t always get the answer to their “why?” you can learn to accept the fact that you are loved and you don’t always have to understand in order to accept the truth that God loves you and will never leave you or forsake you. The fact to remember is that God is good and loving and faithful. All of your circumstances should be interpreted through that reality. Too often, however, we do the opposite. We allow our circumstances to dictate our view of who God is. When things go wrong and God seems silent, we assume He doesn’t love us or care for us. We determine that He is not a faithful, all knowing God. That kind of thinking will land us right where Satan wants us and we will find misery.

Wherever you find yourself, know that the One who made you did so with great purpose. You are not an accident or a failure. You are on a journey and He is with you, whether you feel Him or not. He knows you and He will use all that you experience to help you fulfil the purpose He has for you.

You don’t have to believe anything you have just read. You don’t have to believe that He is for you. You don’t have to believe that He loves you. You don’t have to believe that He exists. You don’t have to believe that He made you for a purpose. You don’t have to believe the Bible is His story. But, if you don’t believe, where will you find the hope that you need to rise above all that is weighing you down? Considering the options, I choose to believe even when I don’t understand. I choose to believe even when He seems to be silent. I choose to believe because I have found Him to be the source of my peace. I choose to believe because there is a joy that sustains me even when I feel unhappy. I choose to believe because He is real to me and is shaping me into someone better than I was before.

I pray that you, too, will choose to believe and find renewed hope, restored joy and deep peace.

Live It!

Love is the filter by which all disciples of Jesus should form their thoughts and actions. The people who have made the most positive impact on us are the ones who have loved us. Conversely, the ones that have the most horrible impact are the ones who have hurt us. Those are the experiences- both the good and the bad- that mold us and perhaps form our definition of love. We become our best self when people pour encouragement and love into us and we sink the lowest when we are stripped of our sense of self with negativity. That is why Jesus said the most important thing we can ever do is not believe the right things, but do the right thing. And then he defined the right things as loving God and loving others.

Here is the rub in our all of that. Our own individual history may have created a false definition of love. Perhaps a person who said they loved us, treated us contrary to Jesus’ definition of love. We discover later that what was defined by them as love was really manipulation, selfishness or even abuse. Now we are confused and we don’t even know what love looks like. It is something illusive that is always around the next corner; something we long for and dream about.

Perhaps we think we finally found “true love” when we said yes to marriage, only to find out that our “true love” is flawed and doesn’t really meet our needs in the way we thought real true love should. Hope is replaced with disillusion and, eventually, scar tissue forms around our wounds to the point where any act of love cannot even penetrate our hearts. And a heart that cannot receive love, can never truly give love.

Maybe you have been hurt to the point that your self-esteem is non-existent and you don’t feel worthy of love. Don’t be misled into believing that is just being humble. Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself. It is thinking of yourself, less. Therefore, if you think you are unworthy or underserving of being loved… you are focused on yourself and your unworthiness and the pain that goes along with it, right? When you begin to see yourself as does your Creator, the Lover of your soul, the One who identifies you as a masterpiece created for a purpose, you no longer need focus on yourself and your pain. You are His prize. You are His adored. You are His precious child. There is so much security in that revelation that you can begin to open your heart and focus on others and how you can be a blessing in their lives. You have the freedom to accept love from others, which enables you to love freely, without reservation.

If we ever really want to be seen as a reflection of the perfect love of Jesus, we have to begin by loving God and we can’t love Him if we don’t love His children…. And that includes US…ourselves. When we don’t love ourselves, we essentially refuse the love He freely offers in spite of our unworthiness; something we all have in common. This can only mean we are left wanting and unable to love God or others because our well runs dry.

The message of Jesus is all about living love. Loving God totally, which means also loving yourself, His precious child... caring for the mind, body and spirit God gave you. And loving others, with their imperfections, in the same way God loves you with all of yours. As we walk through the season of Easter, I challenge you to take a deeper look at the love that God has for you. Take a deeper look at the love you have for Him. Examine with scrutiny how you are loving others. If you find yourself falling short, you are normal. We all do. But, don’t sit there learning to be content with it. Each day, invite His love to fill you to the brim and allow it to run over to everyone you come into contact with. Live love a little bit better than you did yesterday and all your tomorrows promise to be brighter.

Love and Loopholes

Loopholes… we are probably all guilty of looking for a way to get around what we know is expected of us, when we don’t want to do it. I can remember as a little girl, my mom would call up the stairs with the same question every night… “Did you wash your face and brush your teeth?” It seemed reasonable to me that if I only did one of those things it was truthful to give an affirmative answer. As I got wiser I learned to loudly respond with “YES” and under my breath in the tiniest voice I would say… “yesterday.” I determined, in my rational 7 year old mind, that I was being honest and still getting out of something that I really did not want to do.

You will be happy to know that I no longer have an aversion to good hygiene, however, I have found other struggles in life that have caused me to look for the loopholes. As a bride, I can remember being irritated with Dana, and having not learned the art of loving communication, I still knew that Jesus wanted me to love my husband… which I promised God that I would do… just as soon as I delivered my point by banging around loudly in the kitchen so he would know that he had failed the perfect husband exam… again. I planned to do the right thing… eventually… so the tantrum prelude seemed legit.

Every time we behave badly, because that is what we witnessed as a child… or we didn’t have a good example at home… or we are impatient by nature… or we are just determined we are right and will fight to the death (ok, that’s a little drastic) to make our point… we are essentially looking for and living in a tangled mess of loopholes.

Jesus didn’t like loopholes. He witnessed all the religious people of his time behaving as if God’s law didn’t matter at all. They found ways to build up traditions that were nothing more than opportunities to do life their way and look good on the outside while their hearts became so rotten that a stench pour out of them.

You know what Jesus did like? Loving God and loving others. Nothing else really matters as long as you learn those 2 things. When you go to the store a make a purchase, you pay for what is in your cart. Well, God’s amazing love and grace is in your cart … if you have determined to receive it and follow him. When you get up to the register to pay for it, you discover that the bill has already been paid… HOWEVER… you are kindly reminded that you are continually indebted to love others with the love that has been given to you (Romans 13:8).

It is easy to look like a loving husband or wife when you are sitting in church on Sunday, but we both know that isn’t what Jesus is looking for. His command to love covers the entire week… and there are zero loopholes. Not even when your sweetheart is so late getting home from work that you have worked yourself into a cold-shouldered state; not when your spouse repeatedly does the things that get under your skin; not when they are so absorbed in … whatever… that they don’t even give you an ounce of attention; not when they overspend; not when they forget to tell you about an upcoming event; not when they invite people to the house and you need peace and quiet; not when they forget a special day; not when they are too controlling; not when they say it all wrong; not when they are impatient or rude. If you read all that Jesus said in scripture you will not find a single loophole that gets you out of loving your spouse. Period.

So now we come to the part where we say we love them because we are honoring our commitment and living under the same roof and trying to be pleasant at least 50% of the time. Sorry to break it to you, but that isn’t what Jesus had in mind. Since God is love, He has a pretty good handle on whether we are truly loving or just making it appear that we are loving. He demonstrated for his disciples on His last week with them just how important it is to be authentic in our lives as disciples, and the definition of a disciple is basically LOVE. Remember that story?

Jesus and his disciples were walking back into Jerusalem from Bethany. He was hungry and, even though it was not the season for fig trees to be leafy, he saw one in the distance that was full of leaves. When a fig tree is full of leaves, it also is bearing fruit. As they walked toward it, Jesus discovered that it only had the appearance of bearing fruit, but had not one single fig growing on its branches. Jesus very dramatically demonstrated that death will come to those who appear to bear fruit, but live barren lives.

This plays out in our homes, as well. If you are not bearing the fruit of love in your home (and remember, love is patient and kind and long-suffering, and doesn’t keep a record of wrongs, is not rude or selfish or proud or easily angered), but you are simply existing together and doing the bare minimum to keep your marriage intact, you are like that fig tree. Every decision you make and every word you utter to each other must be bathed in genuine love if you expect to grow and bear fruit in your marriage. Always ask yourself before any interaction with anyone, “What does love require of me?”

Disclaimer: Loving is not like riding a bike. You don’t just learn to love and then it is a breeze to do because you never forget how it’s done. There is an enemy who fights against the home and wants families destroyed and will stop at nothing. If you don’t intentionally love with the love of Jesus EVERY DAY, you will grow stale and, no matter how healthy your marriage looks to others, you will bear no fruit.

Toss out your loopholes and love like Jesus! Spring is on the way and that is a time to grow. Let’s outgrow the desire to find a loophole in our relationships and learn to produce the fruit of love.