Giving Thanks

It is the week of Thanksgiving. Sounds strange. Especially since we have so much to give thanks for every week of the year. But, none the less, tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and I feel drawn to tell the story of the heroic journey of a little girl and boy, for whom I am so grateful.

She was 8 years old. Her little body was suffering from an auto-immune condition that landed her in a Children's Research Hospital in Chicago. She suffered immeasurable pain and lost the ability to do anything at all for herself.

He was 7 years old. His big sister was in a hospital over an hour away and mom was there with her, leaving him to go off to a new school every morning and come home to a woman he didn’t know. All he knew was that it wasn't his mom.

We had only lived in South Bend, Indiana for a month when this muscle disease grabbed hold of Emily and very rapidly began to eat away at her muscle fiber, leaving her profoundly weak. She could only bear weight for a second or two before her legs would give out. She had to recline to eat, because swallowing was nearly impossible. She was not responding to the standard treatment of Prednisone so we were told to take her to La Ribida Children’s Hospital. Once there, she began a regimen of medications that were essential, however, life threatening. And she began an even sharper decline. Her speech was quiet and labored. Her weakness increased. She was completely bed-fast, without strength to raise a hand to dry the tears that would trickle down her cheeks.

Meanwhile, back in South Bend, our church family…  most of whom we had not yet met… stepped in to care for Justin after school each night until his dad got home from work. Having just moved into the area, we discovered that his previous school had been quite a bit behind and he was expected to know things he had not yet been taught. His little world was filled with anxiety. Mom and sister were gone. School was so hard. He hadn’t made any friends yet. Every day he would be so distraught he would throw up before going to school… but wouldn’t ever consent to staying home, because he feared falling farther behind. The way he persevered through those dismal days was nothing short of heroic.

Six months later, her Dad got transferred back to Fort Wayne and Emily got to come home to regain strength, surrounded by family that loved her. Justin got to have his family intact and fall into the role of “big brother” to his older sister. He would take her for walks in her wheel chair and make her laugh and as he helped her joy return, she began to improve. He was truly her hero, and ours, as we watched him love her back to health. 

It may seem like a sad story… and it was a very sad time in our lives… BUT, it was also a time of tremendous gratitude. We all learned the value of many things we had taken for granted. Before we moved back to Fort Wayne, we attended one last service with the wonderful church family that had ministered to us in our darkest days and Emily asked the pastor if she could sing a song for them. Her dad carried her wheel chair up onto the stage and held the mic while I attempted to accompany her on the piano, tears brimming in my eyes. In spite of all she had been through, and all the work ahead of her, these are some of the words she sang…

“Thank You, Jesus, for all You've done.
Thank You, Lord.
Thank You, Jesus, for victories won,
O thank You, Lord. 
For Thy love and tender care,
For Thy Word and answered prayer.
Thank You, Jesus, for all You've done.
Thank You, Lord.”

John C. Hallett Ruth G. Hallett © 1948 Renewed 1976 Word Music, LLC

Such a struggle she had endured. Pain that was off the charts. Inability to even hold a fork to feed herself. All of her independence taken from her. Yet, in spite of it all, her heart was full of thanks because in those darkest hours she knew that Jesus was providing all the victories, however small. And she was thankful.

Are you missing the blessings of your faithful Lord because you are only seeing the trials, and not His presence with you in those trials? Take a lesson from my kids and look a little harder. Then, give thanks!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Live Generously

What does the phrase, “Live generously,” mean to you?

I think that we can all agree that Jesus taught us to be generous. To give freely of ourselves, our talents, our resources, our time, our money.  But, let’s take a look at what living generously may look like at home. After all, if we don’t live generously in front of our kids, how will they learn this God-honoring quality?

Giving PRESENSE generously is one of the best ways to value another person. Listening intently to them, even if you know what they are going to say. Listen with your whole body. Making eye contact with them as you spend time together. Asking questions that allow them to see that you have been hearing them.  Watch their favorite show with them, just to be there and know what they are hearing. Sit beside them while they do their homework or read the paper. Share a gentle touch to let them feel your affection for them.

Giving TIME generously. Be very careful how you invest yourself outside of your home. There are people under your roof that need the best you have to offer. Saying YES to so many things that are good and fun and helpful to others leaves us with little energy to spend quality time with our own children… or parents… or spouse. Use your calendar and color code it. Make family activities a different color than work or church or friends or community volunteering. Make sure you are scheduling time with them other than just games and concerts and other school functions mandatory for parents to attend. Game nights…movie nights…breakfast dates…one on one trips to the grocery… playing Barbies… shooting baskets… whatever they enjoy… pencil them in. And do the same with your husband or wife.  Give them the best you have to give and you will never regret it.

Giving GRACE generously. As a parent, we sometimes are tired and fall short in the grace department. Every little thing seems to get under our skin. Remind yourself, in these times, that a child will always be a child when they are young. They will never be a miniature adult. They will  behave badly until you teach them that behavior is not acceptable. They only know what we teach them. They aren’t born with the knowledge of what is right and wrong in your household. It is your job to teach that. If they learn something from someone that doesn’t have the same values, you have just landed yourself another teaching opportunity. They are children and they need grace as they are learning all the things that you have had a lifetime to learn. Be quick to teach them what is expected… but not quick to berate them for doing something you have not yet taught them NOT to do.  And while we are talking grace… think about what they see happening between you and your spouse. Are you quick with grace, being sympathetic to the circumstances that may have caused them to act or react poorly?  Have you considered the fact that they have no clue that what they said or did was offensive or hurtful? Grace extended in a marriage is what builds relationships, but it requires open communication without the anger. Simply stating your thoughts and feelings in a way they understand will help them to see how what they said or did was hurtful. Stuffing your hurts is not showing grace. That is unhealthy and ends badly 100% of the time. Speaking the truth in love is the best way to resolve conflict before it happens. It will build your grace muscles.

Giving HONOR generously. Often times we glide through life caring little about the things that our spouse cares about tremendously. What seems ridiculous to us is automatically labeled unimportant and we go about with our business, as usual. The Bible teaches us to honor one another above ourselves. And that means that we pay attention to what is important to our spouse and make a note of it. Know their love language. Do they feel most loved when you spend quality time with them? When they receive a thoughtful gift from you? When you show your love through acts of service? Is physical touch what they need to feel your love?  Perhaps they need words of affirmation to feel valued. Even if these things feel foreign to you, learn to do them. They will only feel foreign until they become part of your daily activities. Make these ways of honoring your family a priority… with your spouse and your children.  To know what someone you love needs in order to feel your love and refuse to do it because it seems weird to you is withholding love. That dishonors them and it dishonors God, because He has called us to honor one another above ourselves. Even if it feels weird.

Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching. Practice giving what your family needs beginning now and next Thanksgiving they will be doubly thankful for you!

November Challenge

We all want our kids to excel, don’t we? In school, in sports, in kindness and respect… and the list goes on. We provide them with ample opportunities to do so. We make sure their homework is done properly and on time and check their grades online. We wear ourselves to a frazzle running them to practice. We teach them good values and how to respect others. Excellence is something we strive for because we love them and want them to succeed.

For the month of November, I challenge you to shift your focus, or add to it, excellence in generosity. Paul told the church in Corinth that he wanted them to be generous, but not as a command. It was a test of the genuineness of their love for others (2 Corinthians 8:7-8). Generosity is a good thing. We should share with others. We teach that to our children from the time they are tiny. It goes beyond that, however, to the condition of the heart that prompts us to give without reservation.

We can want nothing better for our children than to learn to love others… regardless of how they look or talk or behave. Loving others is the command of Christ. In fact, when asked for the greatest commandment Jesus said to love God and the second greatest is to love others (Matthew 22:37-39). Generosity is one way to measure how well you love. Look around. When we witness people in relationships for what they can get out of it, we know that it is superficial and not truly love. Conversely, when you see someone giving without reservation to someone who has no means to return the gift, we take note of it and consider it as genuine love and compassion.

The best way to teach a child anything is by example. That doesn’t mean that, if you shower them with generosity, they will become generous. More likely, they will end up with huge issues of entitlement! It is also not good to flaunt your generosity before them like a medal of honor because they will learn to be prideful. You can, however, talk to them about a need that is burdening your heart. You can give as little or as much information as is appropriate for their age. Then ask them, “What do you think we should do for them?” Give them parameters and allow them to be part of the giving.

As you are teaching them to be generous, make sure they know that it isn’t just a money thing, but we can be generous with our time, with our helpfulness, with our kindness. When you ‘catch’ them doing that, let them know that they are not just making a difference in the life of the person they are reaching out to, but they are also pleasing God.

And while you’re at it, look inside and make sure that you are living generously at home, where they are watching you every day. Are you giving your time and your kindness and helpfulness? Or are you holding back and waiting until you are certain that your spouse or sibling or parent or child is deserving of your generous grace? If you find that you have not loved without the surety of receiving love, then your children have witnessed that love is conditional and must be earned and is certainly not a forever thing.

With Christmas a bit more than a month away, it is common for a child to present you with their list of ‘wants’ and it is common for us to ask for that list. We all love to shower our kids (and grandkids) with gifts that bring a smile to their face. But, where will that joy be in a week or a month? Will they even remember what they got? It is when they get to be the one doing the blessing, that they to take that memory with them into adulthood. Perhaps they will even train your grandchildren to be a joyful giver. When we teach them to be grateful for what they have, they learn that they have enough and they find contentment.  And when they learn to freely give, they find the greatest joy of all.

Find time every day this month to talk about what generosity looks like. You may feel like a dry well from all that you are giving out. That is a normal parental experience. But, if you have zero margin to live generously, take a closer look at where your energy and time and resources are being spent. Over extending our bank accounts and our calendars is how our culture lives, which explains much about the behaviors we see in our children. Make boundaries for yourself so that you are able to experience, with them, the absolute joy of giving. 

DO IT!!!

They Have A Story

Early Saturday morning, before sunrise, Dana saw someone walking down the road with luggage. It was really cold and as the person huddled down against the neighbors shed, he went to see if they needed help. It was a young woman and she was crying and shivering, so he invited her into the house to warm up and sort things out. As we listened to her story, it became apparent that she was from a different world. She was a beautiful young lady in her twenties and could have been our daughter, but her story indicated that she didn’t grow up as our children had. And that story led her to the cold and lonely place she found herself Saturday morning.

Last summer we had the privilege of reuniting with a young lady that had been in foster care in our home years ago. It was great to see her again. Somehow, in the few months we had been together during her adolescence, she noticed a difference that caused her to make the statement, “I wish you had been my real parents. I would be in a better place today if you had raised me.”

Everyone has a story. Everyone has a reason for the way they think and operate. Our history almost always creates our feelings, our fears, and plays a huge role in our futures. Sometimes it brings us failure. Sometimes success. But in that story there are secrets that the public doesn’t know as they cast a judging eye upon the person who is wandering alone in the dark, hopelessly lost in life, with no idea what to do next. Perhaps, if we would take the time to hear their story, we could sympathize. Perhaps we could tear down some walls of prejudice and hate. Perhaps…

I have spoken with many parents who have struggled with knowing how to help their children be kind to the children in their class who are just plain difficult. Even teachers struggle… until they meet the parents and are quickly enlightened as to why the child comes to school dirty and hungry and falls asleep in the safest place they ever get to be… the classroom. It is easy for the child advocate in me to judge a parent like that… but, maybe that parent is doing all they know to do because they were never taught or nurtured or loved or encouraged. Maybe God is calling us to reach our hand, rather than roll our eyes. Maybe…

Narrowing the focus a bit, look at your own marriage relationship. How many struggles come from the different stories you bring to the home you are trying to build together? It is a constant struggle for us to see outside of our own story and our own dreams and realize the value that our spouse brings because of their completely different story. I wonder if we were to start right there and truly listen with an open heart, if we would be better able to build the loving environment we want for our children. I wonder if we shared the secrets we don’t like to revisit, we would discover for ourselves the reason we seem unable to overcome the issues that drive wedges. I wonder if bridges could be built if we realized the strength that comes from what we have overcome. I wonder…

Our world is broken. Our relationships are crippled. Our families are drifting apart. Our nations are corrupt. Our lives are a hot mess. HOWEVER… we can change that, one conversation at a time. One smile at a time. One kindness at a time. One act of generosity at a time. One time of listening rather than talking. One time of hearing rather than telling. One time of giving rather than taking. One. One act that warms our heart because we realize we are doing what we were created to do … Love and serve our neighbors. Our neighbors who have a story. Who have a reason. Who have their own brokenness that just might begin to heal if we dared to be like Jesus and place our focus on those who have nothing to offer us, but their brokenness.  The alienated and hopeless… those are the ones Jesus continually focused upon. The King of the world spent His time on earth with the common, the working class, the outcasts. Fishermen, tax collectors, prostitutes. Thieves, illiterate, diseased. He knew they had a story and He had something to share with them that could turn that story of shame into a story of victory.

Take time to listen to your children. Hear what is in their heart because that is the beginning of their story.

Listen to the reason your spouse reacts as they do. There is a story that created it.

Look beyond the differences you see in the people around you and imagine the story that may have brought them to a place you may typically look upon with judgment.

Make the world a better place by reaching out in kindness, knowing that there is always more to know.