Expectations or Expectancy?

07242017 Bringing it home

In the course of a normal month, how many times do you enter into conflict with someone you really don’t want to fight with? Your spouse? Your kids? Your siblings? Your co-workers? Your in-laws? It’s probably because they are all wrong and you are just done with them being nimrods, right? I mean, you can only take so much! You have turned the other cheek before, because you are a God follower. If only other people would follow Jesus, there would be no need for this conflict!

Conflict is nothing new. It isn’t a 21^st century issue. It generally begins with entitlement. We aren’t dealing with more entitled people now than there have ever been. People want what they want when they want it. It’s human nature. You know how it goes. You have a rough day at work and just want to come home and crash and she invited the annoying neighbors over. Didn’t she deduce from the text you sent earlier that you needed to unwind? She can be so insensitive!

Or maybe it’s him that’s the problem. All you ask is that he leaves work just a little bit early and he acts like you are asking for the moon. Doesn’t he understand that you need a break from the kids and you are sick of having to fix dinner every night and you only get these opportunities to get out of the house and go with your girlfriends on rare occasions? Not only did he not get home early, but he is 15 minutes later than normal. Obviously, he did that just to make your life miserable and prove a point!

Have you ever listened to other people argue? Do you ever just want to jump in and referee because there are fouls being committed and nobody is being held accountable for them? Do you think that others might think the same of you if you squabbled in a public place (which I’m sure you would never do). Every Small Group for couples that we have ever led has uncovered the ugly little secret that nobody is immune to such conflict and nobody is alone in their particular issue.

The foundational issue that we all suffer is that we aren't getting what we want and that makes us act ugly. Whenever conflict arises, take a look in the mirror and you will see a version of you that you may not recognize because you are expecting to see the martyr you and not the entitled you. The truth is, we all have entitlement issues. That isn’t just for the teens among us! “I deserve a nice quiet evening at home.” “I deserve to be respected.” “I deserve to have a night out once in awhile.” “I deserved that promotion.” “I deserve … fill in the blank!”

One thing that will help us to not fall into the trap of entitlement is to let go of all those expectations that are continually left unmet. Expectations typically leave us disappointed. Instead of expectations, try living with expectancy.  When we live with expectancy, we learn to see what we have rather than what we lack. A wise friend, Ann Smith, said, “I believe that blessings are flying over our heads all the time, searching for a safe landing. Unfortunately, our runways are so full of expectations that they never actually land.”

What a blessing it is to have a wife who cares about neighbors she barely knows and wants to share the love of Jesus with them.

What a blessing it is to have a hard working husband who, even though his day went long, came home to feed and care for the kids so I could have an evening with friends.

EXPECTANCY is so much healthier than EXPECTATIONS. Which will you choose?

“Why do you fight and argue among yourselves?

Isn’t it because of your sinful desires?

They fight within you.

² You want something, but you don’t have it. So you kill.

James 4:1-2

So many lives and homes are destroyed because we can’t see our own entitlement issues.

We don’t truly consider taking a life, but we certainly seem eager to make a life miserable.

Let’s get real and admit that we own a piece of the conflict and be the first to bless rather than fuss.

That Tongue!

If I could give you just one gift, I think the most valuable to you would be the ability to have complete control… not over your children or your spouse or your boss or your co-workers. Not even control of your ability to say “No” to that dish of ice cream. (Ice cream is a lovely thing, after all). I would love to be able to gift you with complete control of your words. Words are a lethal weapon that can kill a mood. They are also a healing balm that can soothe a broken spirit. They have great power in making relationships strong and the same amount of power to destroy. Psalm 18:21 tells us that words have the power of life or death, and that is absolute truth!

James taught the first century believers that, “if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect (mature) and could also control ourselves in every other way” (James 3:2). Sometimes those words that we want to retract when it is too late just seem to come out of nowhere. Or do they? Jesus said, “The mouth speaks what the heart is full of” (Luke 6:45). If you are like most of us, your heart wants to be in control of every situation…your future, your surroundings, your children and even your spouse. Our words indicate that our way is the best way and everyone needs to listen and comply with our wishes, simply so that we can have control.

Or maybe it isn’t the insecurity of losing control of a given situation that brings those awful words out of your mouth. Perhaps it is a heart that is focused inwardly rather than outwardly. When my heart does that self-centered thing, I am feeling that I am entitled or deserving or forsaken or helpless or any number of feelings that basically say, “it’s all about me,” and I deserve better than I have. When that happens, we are surely going to say things that any normal 8 year old would say and we show our immaturity quite well.

Possibly your words come from a heart filled with anger and resentment. Or jealousy or pride. So many heart conditions cause eruptions of destructive magma to spew from our mouths. If I could give you that gift of controlling your words, I would first have to address the condition of your heart. I would have to begin by helping you understand that you are a beautiful creation of an Almighty God, formed in His likeness with a specific purpose. I would need to help you believe that you are valued and loved by your Creator and that He is patiently waiting for you to come to Him, walk with Him, learn to recognize His voice and begin to follow Him to the place where He can mold you into the person He made you to become.

It has been my experience, through the years, that knowing Whose I am helps me to know who I am. Discovering that life isn’t about me or about my particular stake in the game, but about a much bigger plan, has been so liberating. I no longer have to fight for my rights or to be heard. I have no need to yell or quarrel or get defensive. I have a purpose and I know that in order to fulfill that purpose, my heart must be focused on Jesus and His transforming power. I can allow Him to do His fine work in my heart and shape me for the mission to which He has called me. I can let go of my need to be right and to be significant (and all those nasty words that come from an inner bankruptcy) and allow Him to show me how rich I am as the child of the Most High God.

If only I could remember that ALWAYS, then I believe that I would be better able to truly control my words. My heart would be wholly healed of its self-centeredness and I would speak with the grace I have been given. If only there was a pill I could take that would assure me that my heart would be totally connected to His and my words would be the evidence of that…  If only I could remember Whose I am at all times and not fall back into my pity party…  If only I could remember that everyone is at a different place on their journey and be merciful in my heart… If only I could be perfect…

Wait a minute… James said that control of our tongue is an indication that we are in control of everything… so we can be perfect -which truly means growing into maturity in our faith walk-as we allow Him to change our hearts. Jesus said that our heart condition is going to determine the words we speak. So my short term plan, and yours, if we really want to have control of our tongues and live as we were intended, is simply to be still and know God. Quieting myself before Him so that He can show me the path He has laid out for me is the beginning. Accepting the yoke that helps me to walk in synch with Him is a next step. Not trying to drag Him to MY WAY, but submitting to HIS WAY and allowing Him to lead is the only way that I can find out who I truly am.

Knowing myself as He knows me, complete with the blueprint that He made for my life, will take me to that place of realizing I am “His masterpiece, created anew in Christ Jesus to do the things He planned for me long ago” (Eph. 2:10). When I begin to take hold of that truth, I can trust Him to “transform me, by changing the way I think” (Rom. 12:2). I can stop jumping off of the Potter’s wheel and wait for His shaping to take place. That realization, that I am but a lump of dirty clay, helps me to realize that I need the Creative hands of the Potter to shape my heart. And as He skillfully works on me, my words will change into blessings that can build up others.

Yes, if I could have one wish for you, it would be that you would allow God to work in your heart so that your words could come under the control of the Master. That, my friend, will change your life like nothing else can! Words are powerful. Use them for good and not for evil.

³ We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth.

⁴ And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go,

even though the winds are strong.

⁵ In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.

But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.

 ⁶ And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire.

It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body.

It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.^[b]

⁷ People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, ⁸ but no one can tame the tongue.

 It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison

.⁹ Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father,

and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God.

 ¹⁰ And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth.

Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!

 ¹¹ Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water?

 ¹² Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs?

No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.

James 3:3-12

Freedom

Having just celebrated July 4^th with family, friends that have become family, food, fireworks and fun, thoughts of what we are celebrating has been rolling around in my mind. Like any other holiday in America, we get caught up in the festivities and lose sight of the reason for them.  To really get a grasp of what it is to be free, I think it is important to understand what it means to be in bondage; to lack the freedom that we so often take for granted. As time marches on, we have run out of living ancestors that can tell us about their great uncle sharing the story of hearing the church bells peel the warning that the British were coming, or their grandmothers stories of being a slave on the plantation. There are amazing stories in our county’s history that remind us of how the freedom that we enjoy today is not free at all, but came at the cost of so many lives.

As I ponder this, I find myself reflecting on the freedom that we can experience because of the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus. Again, this is a freedom with a great significance that we struggle to grasp 2000 years after Calvary. As I listened to Sunday’s sermon I reflected about how tangled up we get in our thoughts and attitudes… Thoughts that become shackles to us, imprisoning us in a cell of darkness. Maybe they are negative attitudes about ourselves, our spouse, our parents or children, or even people who don't look or dress like us. Perhaps unkind opinions of others lock us up in a very ill-fitting Judges robe. Perhaps we are tied up in the bondage of what others may think of us…and our need to “fit in.” Worry may become our default setting and we find our mind trapped in the world of, “…but what if..?”

The freedom that we have in Christ is a freedom from the negativity that easily becomes our greatest source of bondage and has a most dramatic impact on our home. How can we truly love our spouse when we have become a slave to the notion that they aren’t measuring up to what we feel we deserve? We have essentially taken our union and shattered it with our bondage to self-pity or jealousy or any number of unhealthy attitudes. How can we be good examples to our children when we are entangled in the busyness that takes our focus from our role as the spiritual guide for our kids? How will we teach them to follow Jesus when we are spending all our energy trying to keep up with the proverbial Jones’?

Life is complicated. I wish it wasn’t. I wish it was our default setting to simply meditate on Jesus and His Word, listen to His Spirit as it speaks to ours, and follow Him each moment of our lives. Sin, however, entered the picture and broke that union and now we all seem to struggle to find that unity that brings us the freedom that we crave so badly. Jesus came to fix that brokenness; however, we still struggle with our desire to do things our way rather than His. Over and over we find ourselves in bondage to our calendar, our relationships, our bills, our possessions, our attitudes, our expectations. None of those things bring us peace or make us better followers of Jesus.

James, the half brother of Jesus, essentially tells us that if we claim to be followers of Jesus, we need to put our actions where our mouth is. We can’t claim to be believers and followers of the way of Christ if we don’t live that way. Living in bondage to the things of this life… this culture… means that we haven’t truly yoked ourselves with the One we call Lord. If your love for Him doesn’t show in your relationship with your spouse, you are saying one thing and living another. If it doesn’t show in the decisions you are making for your children, then you are not raising them to follow Him. They will be very confused hearing one directive and watching you go on an opposing path.

James tells of Abraham and how his faith was turned into action when he was able to clearly hear the voice of God telling him to give up that gift for which he and his wife had prayed for decades and obey God in what was no doubt the most difficult moment of his life (Genesis 15).  He recounts the story of Rahab, a woman who barely knew of the One True God, yet risked everything to do His bidding because her faith caused her to believe that His way was the only safe way.

May I ask you a question? If the people in your home that watch you do life daily wanted to find Jesus, would they succeed if they followed you? Would they discover the path to loving God and others with all their heart? Would they learn how to hear the voice of God? Would they be able to determine with ease that following Jesus is the way to freedom and following the way of the world leads to bondage? Given the choice, all of us would want to know that our kids will grow up and make the decision to commit their way to the Lord and trust in Him, but we don’t always live as such.

I would encourage you to make it a practice to daily ask God to show you the areas where you have allowed the world or the ruler of this world to place you in shackles. Ask Him to unlock them and release the entire potential He placed within you when He formed you. Allow Him to teach you how to be yoked to Him so that you are most certainly walking the path He ordained for you to travel. Then you will find the freedom that He intends for His children. Freedom to be who He created us to be. Freedom to live lives that bring Glory to God. Freedom to know His way.

Live Free!