Multi-lingual Parenting

 

Early in 1977 I began to grow a human and on October 27^th, she was handed to me with the expectation that I would be able to continue to grow her into adulthood with minimum casualties. Five months later, the process began again and in January of 1979 the second human was handed to me to nurture and train and keep alive until he was able to manage life on his own. Neither came with a manual and both spoke a foreign language, called CRY. That was their sole method of communication. And we were left to sort out the meaning.

Eventually we were able to teach them our language and our communication improved greatly. There were still glitches, however, that would cause us to revert to our separate, native tongues so, of course, we would speak louder and they would cry louder and nothing would be resolved. Then we would remember that the most effective way to communicate was with the language of LOVE.

Almost a decade after the first baby, we were handed a beautiful 9 month old baby girl and given the opportunity to learn yet another dialect. It happened again in 1989 when a tiny 13 day old baby boy was placed in my arms. We were more experienced in the language of love by then and were speaking it fluently, so we set aside our native tongue for the time being and simply spoke the language of love. That was necessary, I reasoned, because these two came with scars and hurts and heritages that were not ours. They could not learn our language until they experienced our love.

As precious as that sounds, I have to be honest. Although I do speak decent LOVE, because that was my Dad’s first language, I am also fluent in guilt and shame, disappointment and fear. This was my mom’s first language because she learned it from her Dad. I used her language too, reasoning as she did that if I poured on the guilt, they would feel shame and turn from their wicked ways. And disappointment? Who doesn’t crumble under the weight of that? Once they are a pile of rubble, you can rebuild them into the child they should have been. Right? If the kids didn’t respond to GUILT, SHAME, or DISAPPOINTMENT, there was always the authoritative language of FEAR.  It is a humbling thing to look back at all those wrongs I committed against my wonderful children, truly thinking I was taking the high road, helping them to get back on the right path.

Sunday Chris shared an awesome parenting message from 1 Kings 19. It is a beautiful demonstration of God caring for Elijah like a loving father. Elijah was exhausted and hungry and discouraged and scared out of his mind. His life was being threatened and it didn’t matter that he had just witnessed the power and might of God in a miraculous way.  By rights, God could have pulled out the DISAPPOINTMENT card and crushed his servant for so quickly forgetting all God had done and failing to put his trust in Him. He could have poured on the SHAME for walking away from the faith that had carried him through so many difficult situations. But. He. Didn’t. Rather, God ministered to him in his brokenness and allowed him to rest in the cave that was his physical refuge and when he awoke, He sent an angel to prepare a meal for him, after which he allowed more time to rest.

What a wonderful parenting lesson we can learn from God’s gracious kindness in this story. God could see that Elijah had physical, mental and emotional needs. God accepted the fear that was real to Elijah. He recognized the exhaustion from constantly having to stand against all the wickedness of his people. And He spoke to Elijah in His native tongue. LOVE. There was no condemnation. Just a nap and a snack.

We all have a choice in how we parent and in the language we choose. If you aren’t fluent in speaking love, spend more time with those who are. Listen. Observe. Take notes. Learn to speak with loving kindness to your children and your spouse. Home is where it matters most. These are your people; your tribe. These are the people with whom you have the greatest influence, so...

Speak Love Today

 

Kayak Parenting

School has started. Just like every year at this time... only different. So much is changing and yet so much is the same. The kids are growing up. They are observing the world around them every single moment. They repeat the words we say and behave like they see other kids behave. Why can''t they just pick up the good and run with it? Why do they choose the wrong direction and follow the wrong example? The short answer.... because they are kids!

Kid's are terrific at observing the world around them, but lousy at interpreting it with maturity and discernment... again... because they are kids! They see and they do. It's that simple. There is little thought that goes into their actions and they need you to give them guidance and direct their behavior. Left to their own devices, they are likely to find the edge of the cliff.

There are many ways to parent your little one. There are many possible outcomes. 

• If you take the "Hands Off" approach and let them discover life with all it's wonder so they can become who they were intended to be, you have essentially placed them in a kayak on the river and sent them on their way to manage the current and the rapids with no paddle to keep them safe. While they observe the world, they will not see the danger ahead... because they lack maturity, and even if they did see the danger, they don't have the tools to avoid it
• If you take them to church or give them a Bible or read them a Bible story every night, and tell them NO when they want to do something that you disapprove of, you have placed a paddle in their hands, but not told them how to use it. There is a possibility that they will figure it out, connect the dots and find a way to steer clear of the most dangerous places, but there is a greater chance they will take the path of least resistance and find themselves at the brink of the falls...because they lack the wisdom and maturity to make right choices.
• If you give them instructions on how to use the paddle and help them practice in the still waters they will be so much better equipped to be out on their own. When they get far from shore, however, fear or curiosity might come into play causing them to lose their bearings and drift into situations they feel helpless to control... because that is what a child will do
• If you get in a kayak and paddle along beside them, you can show them, by example, how to manage the current, how to tilt the paddle, how to steer away from the rocks, how to stay calm and paddle on. Now they are more equipped to leave your side and go into the river without you because you have been by their side, directing them. 
• If you lose it and tip your kayak, it may be humiliating, but pull yourself together, tell them what you did wrong and show them how to right the problem. They, too, will make mistakes and need to know about grace and forgiveness and how to get topside with the least amount of injury to anyone.

When it comes to parenting, every moment is a teachable moment. Allowing them to run a muck without consequences teaches them that they can do as they please and you have no authority in their lives. When you run to their rescue with every problem they encounter, they score a zero in coping and problem solving. Jesus never simply healed the sick without a lesson involved. He showed love and grace and mercy and forgiveness AND He gave direction. He didn't worry about damaging their psyche by telling them they were wrong because there was love in his tone and guidance to get them on the right path. 

"Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other,

 making allowance for each other's faults because of your love."

Ephesians 4:2

Stick Shift Parenting

 When I was learning to drive we had a Chrysler Newport... a.k.a tank... and a mustang with a manual transmission... a.k.a demon. That gave me the unforgettable opportunity to learn to drive both. I'm not sure who thought I would have the coordination to feather out that clutch and start smoothly after stopping at a traffic light at the top of a hill on State Street. Pretty sure it was Dad. He always believed in me and had high hopes that I could accomplish anything I set out to do. No matter how many times I stalled or how long the line of impatient traffic was behind me, he never got rattled or impatient. He was just there to remind me repeatedly of what to do and how to do it. 

As I ponder the sermon Sunday about Parent Guilt, I reflect back to the similarities between learning to be a parent and learning to drive a stick. (I am currently wondering how many reading this will have no idea what I am talking about. Go ask your grandpa!). There is so much finesse that goes into feathering out the clutch while sliding your right foot off the brake and giving just the right amount of pressure to the gas pedal as you simultaneously remove your left foot from the clutch that it feels like nothing short of a miracle when you get it right without killing the engine or leaving part of our tires on the pavement. It isn't unlike parenting. How much do you give and where do you give it? How much pressure do you apply without crossing the line? How in the world do you get the timing just right so that things go smoothly? How much do you hang on and how much do you let go? How do you parent according to your convictions without worrying about the line of people judging behind you?

I vividly remember the day that I went from trying to start using all the memorized instructions to starting just by feeling what I needed to do. That made all the difference and from then on, it was just a natural motion. That moment in parenting comes when you .... well... hmmm.... nope! I don't think that day exists! As soon as we figure things out, they are often onto the next phase or stage of development and you have to learn all over again. Just like when you can start and stop and shift gears flawlessly... and then your husband installs a high performance clutch in the car that is so stiff it takes all of your weight and both of your feet to depress it and sliding that right foot onto the gas throws gravel a country mile! 

Here is the point of all this...parenting is hard some days and not so hard other days, but it doesn't ever just flow smoothly so that you never stall out or burn rubber. And that is a very good thing because it reminds us to go to Our Father for advice. It is far too important a task to be something you can learn to  do on your own. You will have victories and regrets and you should never ever try to parent without the help of the One who created your child with a purpose in mind. 

There is no vaccination against parental failure. You will succeed one moment and fail the next. You are human and hopefully you will keep trying until you can move forward effectively without attracting a whole lot of attention. If you are in the driver's seat  through this journey called parenting and you hope to arrive at your destination without killing the engine, (or the child) listen to the Father that is sitting beside you, giving you the instruction you need and reminding you to ignore the honks of the world. He made you for this moment and He believes in you.

Ready Or Not?

Vacation season is drawing to a close. It looked a lot different this year. A lot of research had to be done before leaving the house. Packing was a bit more critical because finding a place to purchase food or supplies was not as simple. Being ready for any potentiality was essential before the vacation could begin.

School is starting this month, in a variety of ways, all across the COVID-ridden country. Much prep work has been done in order to make it safe for the teachers and the children. Churches are opening classrooms as well and being ready means thinking outside the box and being prepared to do things differently.

We celebrated with 9 high school graduates this summer. All have prepared themselves for the next chapter in their lives. New beginnings surround us and now, more than I can ever recall in my lifetime, preparation for the journey ahead is vital. 

Sunday, Pastor Chris shared with us the story of Joshua's courageous faith, taking the Israelites across the Jordan River into the promised land. For forty years prior to this, they had roamed in the wilderness... so close to receiving the promise of God to inhabit a land where they could freely worship the One True God. But for forty years, they were not ready to enter. Now, God determined, it was time to enter, but the water was impassible. It was rainy season and the water was high and rough. How were they to cross over? Build a bridge? Rafts? An Ark? No. His instructions we much less complex, but perhaps, much more difficult.

Joshua said to the people,

 "Set yourselves apart to the LORD. 

Tomorrow He will do amazing things among you."

Joshua 3:5

Joshua knew that prep work was essential before they could receive the blessing God wanted to give them. They first had to dedicate themselves to God. Set themselves apart from the ways of the world. Consecrate themselves. Sanctify themselves. The condition of their hearts, not the condition of the river, was the determining factor for their success in crossing the Jordan River safely. They had to be ready. They dared not adopt the demanding, faithless, angry, ungodly stance of their parents. That had only brought them to ruin and they would not be entering the Promise land with them. The choice must be made. The ball was in their court. Would the make the decision to believe God and follow, or would they rebel as they had witnessed in the older generations?

As I ponder the crossing into the land of promise, I can't help but think about how we wander in the wilderness, following the patterns of our ancestors, tripping over the same things as our parents or grandparents. At what point do we cast aside the wrong path that we have witnessed and decide to prepare ourselves for the amazing things God has planned? Holding on to the traditions, the misery, the self-righteous attitudes, the lies we have believed is NOT helping us be ready for the amazing things God will do among us. Connecting to God by repentance and an attitude of submission will ready us to cross over into a new life. 

Is it time to break the patterns of the past, dedicate yourself to following God and start a new life in your home, with your family? I surely do hope so because.... tomorrow God will do amazing things among you.  Will you be ready... or not?