Hearing The Heart

When a child’s heart is broken over something that to you seems insignificant, does that make their pain truly insignificant? So many times all we see is the mess in their room that is keeping them from finding their favorite toy and we totally miss the heartbreak they are feeling over a presumed loss. Is it possible that their room is a mess because we have dropped the ball and not taught them to put something away before getting something else out? Maybe we just haven’t taken the time to work alongside them. A lack of consistency with our expectations may be the reason for the mess. At any rate, now they are crying and we are angry and there is a lost opportunity to show compassion.

Sunday the pastor said the proper way to grieve with a friend is to have a big heart with ears. What if we were to do that when a child is sad or disappointed? Perhaps, if we would listen with our heart we would hear more than whining. Maybe we would get to the bottom of their sorrow and be able to aid in their healing.

Most people struggle to see God for who He is. It is a concept that is above our comprehension. Because of that we often see Him through the childhood experience we have with our parents. Based on the way you listen to your children when they are broken-hearted, will they someday see God as compassionate? Hearing their prayers? Too busy for their problems?  When you tell them to “get over it” or “figure it out” are you painting the accurate picture of a heavenly Father who wants to walk with them in their hour of need and guide them through the difficult stretches of their journey?

I’m not suggesting that you coddle the kids through life and never allow them to learn to overcome adversity or be strong in tough situations. God doesn’t do that with us. I love the statement credited to Toby Mac: “Sometimes God doesn’t change our circumstances because he is trying to change our heart.”  We can’t run in and fix the problems our kids face, but we can walk with them through the storm, listening, loving, and crying with them as they learn to maneuver their way to maturity.

How about a little less lecturing and a little more listening this week? It could transform your relationship with your kids and change the atmosphere in your home. 

Compassionate Listening

Parents are probably on the go more now than in the history of humanity. Rushing around on a regular basis really interferes with listening with your ears and your eyes. When that is impeded, you fail to truly know all that you need to know about your developing child. It is important to slow down and allow time for important things, like just sitting and listening to your child. Remember, they are new at the things you have been doing for years. They haven’t had all the experiences you have had to help you negotiate the struggles of life. They lack the triumphs that will help them conquer their fears. They don’t always know how to express their sorrows.

Often we just brush aside the things that seem like the end of the world to a child. Have you ever caught yourself thinking or maybe even saying, “They think this is rough, what will they do when they have real struggles?” “If you don’t develop a thicker skin you are going to be crying all the time.” “You know that kids are going to make fun of you if you cry over every little thing.”  When your child is hurting, you have a golden opportunity to show your love and concern. They need to know that you are there for them and that you will take them seriously. All too soon they will be teenagers and if you don’t learn to listen intently and care genuinely about what they are saying and feeling as children, don’t expect them to confide in you as adolescents.

It is no easy task to sort out what is authentic sorrow and what is simply a pity party for a child. You, their parent know them best. You must listen and determine whether they need to feel sad over a loss or whether they are simply willing themselves to shed tears simply to get your attention or affection. If the latter is true, maybe they are asking you to listen and embrace their needs. If the stories become exaggerated and unbelievable, either they have a great imagination or maybe they are just begging you to listen to them.

How is your level of compassion when your child is hurting? Do they know that you care? Are you willing to listen to their story? Can you remember when you were their age… how disappointment felt to you? God made us to feel. That is reality. Help your kids to know that you want to hear how they feel and walk with them through the sadness, fears and struggles. Rejoice with them in their jubilant times. In showing them you care you are opening their hearts to know a God who cares about them and will listen and comfort them in the valleys of life.

“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

Jesus Loves Me

I remember it well. My 3 year old foster daughter was sitting on my lap at the dining room table and she looked up at the Maxine Pendry painting of Jesus that hung on the wall. She had been with us for about a month and prior to that had likely never seen a likeness of Jesus nor heard that he was the Son of God. To her, "Jesus" was simply a word that your Mother screams when you irritate her. But she had been hearing the songs about Him and the stories that we would read at bedtime and as she stared at the picture she finally said, “Who is that?” and I answered that it is a picture of Jesus. I remember the look on the face of this precious little girl that had been through things that you never ever want to hear, as she confidently said, “He loves me.” No question. Just assurance. “He loves me.”

So many times when the chips are down we have a little pity party and assume that God has turned his back on us or is somehow punishing us by allowing us to encounter the tough times. Why can’t we be more like little Amber (not her real name) and know that we are loved, regardless of the circumstances that come our way?  Why is it that we automatically assume that the God who alone is GOOD is responsible for what we consider BAD? 

The way you react and respond to the tough things in life will NOT go unnoticed by your kids. As grown-ups we need to understand that we live in a broken, fallen world that was not a part of God’s plan but the result of Satan and his influence on humankind. We need to have locked in as our default response to sickness, sin, evil, disputes, quarrels, death, disease….  that none of those things were created by God. He created us to live in paradise… The Garden of Eden was made by Him for us. So why would we believe for one minute that bad things are happening to us because God has forgotten, betrayed, or stopped loving us?

Are you getting that? Do you understand that God is a good and faithful God who never wanted us to live in a fallen world? You need to have that locked in so that as your kids encounter the difficult experiences you are ready to tell them that God is with them and will see them through it, one way or another. When tough times come, let them hear you thanking God for being with you in the storm. Don’t live in a pity party when life is rough. Live in the hope that comes from knowing a good and beautiful God. Teach them that He is faithful, because bad things will come their way and they need to know beforehand that His love will enfold them in the storm.

I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is.

So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD."

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

Spending Yourself

Sunday the Pastor talked about the great joy we can find serving the least of these. There are people all around us with needs and when we are able to reach out in some small way to meet those needs it is a beautiful thing. Sometimes the need is monetary. Sometimes it is for some sort of physical assistance. A listening ear. A word of wisdom. Or maybe just a smile that says “I love you and accept you for who you are.”

I love to serve people. Really. I guess it’s one of the quirky things about me. I found out at a young age how much fun it could be. I would play waitress when my parents had friends over. I would gather all the little children around me so their parents could have a break. I would rake the leaves, iron the pillow cases (Yes, people actually did that) and dust every little trinket my mother collected and I really enjoyed it.

So, I kind of felt like I had a handle on the serving gig. But, lately life has taken my role as servant to a whole new level. A level that is beyond me having fun doing what I love to do. It has taken my heart deep into the lives of those who have tremendous pain and loss and allowed me to place myself, figuratively, in their shoes.

As I care for my dear aunt, who at 90 is trying to heal from a broken hip that she doesn’t always remember is broken due to her Alzheimer’s, I am invited to experience the pain of losing one’s independence. As I provide support to my father in what is likely to be his last months on earth, I experience the pain of separation that is sure to be more than I care to experience. When I listen to my daughter I experience the agony and rejection of divorce and my heart aches for her. I feel the loneliness of my single sister and the agony of a grandson whose autism often leaves him feeling frustrated and defeated. I find myself continually surrounded by people who need a smile, a hand, a listening ear. I could cry out to God for relief from this pain that overwhelms me... and sometimes I do just that. My life seems to have evolved into areas of service way above my level of ability. I am experiencing the pain of others as if it were my own. Why would anyone want that?
As I ponder that question, I am beginning to figure out that it is an excellent part of my journey. I am learning that when your heart breaks for others, it opens a place for the love of God to bless you with an indescribable joy, knowing that your life has touched the heart in need. And I still love what I am doing. My heart will forever be filled with rich memories of sharing the love of Jesus with others and the impact that has made upon their lives and mine.

As I serve those I love, my heart is full to the brim with more love than I ever knew one could feel, even for strangers. I have learned that with great love there is great pain, however, most days as I wipe tears (or worse), my heart is more full than I ever knew possible. If you are feeling like there is a void in your life, look around. There are others in need who you have the power to bless. If reaching out to them is outside of your skill level, Great! Then you will need the One who has called you to serve the least of these, to help you fulfill the mission He may have created just for you. Now what could be better than that?
It is entirely my choice how my story will read for those who look back on my journey. With God's help, it will be a journey filled with loving and serving the least of these.

…If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame. 

Isaiah 58:11-12