The Thing About Sexual Intimacy

Did you ever stop and think about how God made Eve? He didn’t speak her into existence. He didn’t create her from the earth. He didn’t create her alone, but God used Man to create Woman. He took something away from Adam in order to create for him the perfect partner.

Let your mind roll that thought around for a while.

“But for Adam, no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out for the man, and he brought her to the man.”

In His mercy, God used divine anesthesia so that Adam was unable to protest or decide for himself if this was a good idea. If God had held a meeting and told Adam the plan, I am fairly certain that Adam, being completely oblivious to what life would be like with a helper that would complete him and a partner that would share a form of intimacy with him that he had yet to witness, would have said, “Wait… you want to open up my flesh, remove a bone, turn that bone into something else for me to manage??? No, really… I’m good. I think I have this dominion thing down. I will just keep all my parts!”

But God knew that there was something better, and He was about to show Adam. He was about to create for man someone who would love and respect and honor him in a manner that no other creature could. This woman would know how to be the fulfilment of a need that Adam didn’t even know he had. She was created by God with the DNA of her man. His needs and his passions; his hopes and his dreams; his joys and his sorrows; his strengths and his weaknesses; all these things were alive inside of her. She knew him and that is exactly as God planned it to be. Together they would form an inseparable union that would be the model of all couples throughout history.

That all occurred on the other side of sin. When the decision was made to challenge the authority of God, the perfect intimacy they once shared became a rivalry. Where once they knew each other completely without any shame, sin caused them to use what they knew as a weapon to blame and strike out in anger. Where sexual intimacy had been a beautiful gift from God, it became a tool for manipulation and gateway to lust and immorality. Where there was perfect unity of man and wife, sin drove a wedge and thousands of years later, we still struggle to sort out how to live in purity and wholeness, whether we are single or married.

We live in a culture where Biblical morality is either ignored or interpreted in a manner that meets our particular belief system. So did Paul, a first century follower of Jesus who wrote many of the books of the New Testament. It was so bad in the city of Corinth that he told them that it would be best for people who were single, to remain that way. It doesn’t tell us why, but comparing it to our promiscuous culture, I would venture a guess that sexually transmitted disease was rampant and the only solution was abstinence.

Jesus reminded the crowds of God’s original plan for marriage. “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one.” (Matthew 19:5-6) This means a life-long commitment to love and honor one another, as if their desires and needs were our own. Living with that deep intimacy is God’s plan for marriage. It requires an openness and honesty and vulnerability that was never intended to be experienced outside of an eternal commitment, blessed by God. It requires us to be opened up and have something of ourselves removed. It requires us to allow God to create us to with the needs of our spouse living in us so that we alone can restore their emptiness and meet a deep need.

Sexual purity is God’s desire for us because He knows us. He made us and He made our desire for sexual intimacy, but He made it to accompany a commitment to our spouse; to honor them, their needs, their body, their desires. All of that requires a deep knowledge of that person and that does not come without losing something of ourselves and gaining a desire to meet a need. It takes time… for some, maybe a life time. But it is the design of God for us to let down our guard, tear down the walls, look far beyond ourselves and learn to live in the beauty of the passion He created for husband and wife.

In our current society, as in first century Corinth, sexual promiscuity is the norm and self-gratification, via any means available, is simply accepted. In our society, as in Corinth, there is hopelessness, disillusionment, and broken hearts. It has become evident that seeking to have our need for intimacy or sexual gratification met in some manner other than the way God designed, opens up the door to a vast emptiness that we will forever try to fill. It doesn’t bring joy and fulfillment, because the One who created sexual intimacy, created it for us to find in our marriage commitment. Perhaps the greatest thing God ever created was marital intimacy, where two people become one, united in hopes and dreams and desires and passion. For it is in our ability to lose ourselves in an intimate encounter with the one that will be by our side, ‘til death do us part, that we discover how very much God cares for us.

If you are not married, God wants you to keep yourself pure for the one person to whom you will pledge your lifelong devotion.

If you are married, take a look at how you treat your husband or wife. Are you sharing the intimacy that God designed for marriage? Are you learning to know him or her? Can you allow God to open your heart and remove what He wants in order to create something better than you can imagine? We tend to live with the expectation that our needs must be met by the one who loves us, but forget that we were created to give; to make a sacrifice; to love and honor each other above ourselves.

Living the life He designed for you may require some major… or minor alterations. But when you allow God to transform you into that person He made you to be, and commit to saving sexual intimacy for marriage, and truly living out love and submission to one another in the intimacy of marriage, you will find something so beautiful and fulfilling that it defies description. 

Grief

December 2014: My father was diagnosed with cancer and given 3 to 6 months to live. I remember taking him home from that appointment, after the Doctor told him that he had lived 80 years and should live out his days without having to endure the sickness that treatment would bring. I remember the lump in my throat as I tried to change places with him and become the strength for him that he had always been for me. I vowed to be strong and carry him, and the rest of the family, doing whatever needed to be done until we said our final good-bye. Peeling back that bravado, you would find a little Daddy’s girl, curled up on his lap, sobbing for the day that was sure to come.

I discovered that grief alters your identity.

June 2017:  My 83 year old mother became quite ill on a Sunday night and was taken to the hospital. Her vital organs were shutting down. No heroic measures. No hope of recovery. Hospice stepped in at the end of the week and then she was gone. One week to be by her side. One week to hold her hand. One week to try to comfort her and assure her of my love. I didn’t want her to see me cry. I had to stay strong for her and the family. She was ready for death and actually had prayed to die many times over the years. How could I grieve when she was finally at peace, no longer tormented by mental illness? My loss was her gain… right? Then, quite unexpectedly, three weeks after her death Dana came home from work and found me in a puddle of tears, crying out as if it was fresh news, “My mom is gone!” And those tears just seem to keep coming without warning, way more often than I find acceptable.

I discovered that grief hides deep inside, only to come out… frequently… and inconveniently.

Dad is still living. Truly living; blessing people every day; writing words of wisdom in his journal as his ebbing strength keeps him close to his easy chair.  I feel so blessed every minute we have together and thank God for allowing me this extended time with him. Yet, there is a grief that seeps into my spirit, knowing that I cannot be prepared to lose him… ever. It will not feel the same or be the same as losing Mom. Or any other loss in my life.

I discovered that grief is not tidy and uniform.

I try to bring reason to my emotions, to chase away the tears. I have had nearly 60 years with my parents. Good parents. I have been blessed beyond words by their lives. Many people don’t get that many years. I am thankful, yet I am sad.

I discovered that grief is not rational.

I have been trained in Pastoral Counseling and have read about grief. I have walked with others as they grieve the loss of a loved one. I know about grief. Even so, I was not prepared for the impact that loss brings. I cannot write this blog without looking at the screen through tears. Because grief hurts and I know that you have your own loss and grief to endure and that brings more tears because I care about your pain, too. But, amidst the sorrow, there is hope. Hope assures me that life in this broken world is not all there is. There is a life to come that I cannot explain or even begin to understand. I know that God walks with us in the valleys, because I believe His Word is true and I have heard the testimonies of countless people who have felt Him in the darkest moments of life...and now... so have I.

I discovered that God is present in our grief.

If you see me with tears in my eyes, it’s okay to make eye contact. You don’t have to pretend you didn’t notice. It is fine to smile or to cry with me. It's even okay to make me laugh. There is really nothing you can say to make those tears go away. Just don’t be afraid of my apparent weakness.

I have discovered that grief makes me real. And that is okay.

Marriage Merry-Go-Round

“I hate you! I won’t ever play with you again!” shouted the angry child. So they went their separate ways for a few minutes, then they came together to share their toys once again. Why? Because for kids, happiness is more important than pride.

Isn’t it a shame that we outgrow that desire to make peace as we grow into adults that desire to be right, to win, to prove our point… at any cost? Perhaps that is one of our greatest sources of conflict in marriage. As we rush through life we seldom find the time to take a step back and see the destination to which this path will lead us.

There are many ways we focus on the end game. When it involves our career, we sacrifice our time with our family now so that we can climb that corporate ladder to provide for them in the future. When it comes to sports, we sign our children, who are not yet readers, over to the coach to build them into competitive athletes in the future. We are willing to go to great pains to make sure they are in the right pre-school to prepare them academically for the future. We attend the best Universities so that our career path can be secured in the future.

So why is it that we take off the spectacles that allow us to see into the future when it comes to our marriage relationships? All too often we have so much of the past stored up in our thoughts that we have no room to see what living there is going to do to our home in the future.  Perhaps we have forgotten that, “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way and is not irritable AND KEEPS NO RECORD OF BEING WRONGED…” (from I Corinthians 13).

If couples who claim to be followers of Jesus are to be successful in building a future together, we must stop looking to the hurt of the past. That only builds walls that scream, “I don’t trust you to love me because you failed me in the past” and insulates us from the vulnerability required to love truly. When you begin to take down the wall you have built around yourself… possibly for your protection… and begin to trust your partner, that trust lays down the path to a healthy future together.

Another benefit of taking down walls and giving grace and forgiveness is that you learn to see things from your spouse’s perspective. All too often we think we know their thoughts and motives, yet … truth be known, they were completely clueless that their words or actions packed such a powerful punch to your heart.

So, how do you dig your marriage out of the hole of blaming, self-protection and pride? It has to being with a heart to build a solid future and a willingness to communicate with each other in “I” statements. “I feel….” Rather than… “You make me feel…”  “I understood that you were saying….”  Rather than… “You said…”  You must stop suppressing the hurt and start looking for the source of that hurt. Perhaps it has more to do with your own perception of yourself or something in your past involving another person who hurt you. Rather than assuming what they think or feel, allow them to share with you without judgement or criticism.

Lastly, let go of control. You cannot live humbly if you cannot let go of control. You will never, no matter how hard you try, be able to control another human being, so let it go and focus on taking control of your thoughts and attitude. This is truth… If you must control, you do not trust. When you do not trust, you cannot fully love, because loving truly requires vulnerability. When you cannot love fully, you cannot receive love fully. When you cannot receive love fully, you do not trust. And when you do not trust, you try to control everything.

It’s time to get off that Merry-Go-Round and start truly loving!

Is The "YOKE" On You?

There was this guy…  he was a hot mess. Arrogant, self-centered, cruel, oblivious to the needs of everyone else, focused only on what he had to gain and often at the expense of others. He was heartless… the polar opposite of my definition of love. There was literally no hope that he could be the kind of man I would seek… for anything… other than shark bait.

But God… * there is always something really good coming after a “but God,” so keep reading…

God saw his potential. God saw his pain. God saw what he could become, if he would be willing to yoke himself to Jesus and walk through life with Him. So Jesus reached out and said, “Come with me.” And his plea was so compelling, His eyes were so tender, His gesture so inviting that Matthew went with Him.

Jesus never said to Matthew, “Let’s get you on the right path; let’s get you cleaned up; let’s get your debts all paid, let’s do some transforming… so that you are worthy to come with me.” At least if he did, it didn’t get recorded in scripture. Nor did those lines ever appear in red in the Bible. Regarding anyone at all. And if you read enough about Jesus, you know that wasn’t His way.

Jesus knew that if Matthew simply walked beside Him, he would be transformed. Why? Well, there is the fact that Jesus was performing miracles and when you have seen a few of those, it tends to reshape you. And there is the fact that Jesus was always teaching and it is good to teach your way through adversity and challenge. But I believe that Jesus knew that Matthew’s hard heart could be transformed by the power of love. God is LOVE. Jesus is God, in the flesh, therefore, Jesus, too, is love. And love is the most transformative force on Earth.

This is about to get personal. Is there someone in your life… or in your home… or in your bed… that is so much less than you want them to be? Are they failing to see and meet your needs? Are you fed up, tired, lonely? Perhaps you are even tossing around what life would look like without that person and considering divorce a viable option to end your pain. Maybe that is something you would never do, so instead you live in despair. Wishing things were different. Perhaps you have begged God to change them. Maybe you have tried to manipulate things in order to be loved by them. And in your pain, you have built walls to protect yourself. Now the walls are so thick, you can’t even imagine truly loving them like you once did.

Jesus taught us how to correct these struggles. Matthew was His subject; a hardened man, beyond the reach of any human remedy. But Jesus knew that if Matthew would allow Jesus to love him as they walked through life together, change would come. You may have noticed… we aren’t Jesus. Our default setting is typically to cut off the supply of love when someone hurts us. I mean, why would you snuggle up to a hangry grizzly bear? Rather, we tend to give them… lavishly, what we feel they have coming! And, so far that method has never saved a marriage or any relationship. So, it really is time to do this thing God’s way.

Matthew learned. Matthew changed. He explains this transformation by telling us what Jesus told him and others who would follow him. In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light.”

Maybe it is time that you allow Jesus to place His yoke on your shoulders. When we say YES to following Jesus but continue to do life our own way, it NEVER ends well. That yoke is what we need. It keeps us close to Him so that we are continually learning from His teaching. His love will transform us and make our burdens so very much lighter.

Perhaps it is time for you to take another look at the one you have promised to be yoked to, for life. Are you staying close or building walls? Is your gentleness and humility inviting and beautiful to them? It is easy to use that matrimonial yoke to manipulate, push, pull, tug, and beat them into a mold you have for them, but it will never bring about the loving relationship you seek. Nobody wants to be yoked to a nag or a grizzly bear. If you are properly yoked to Jesus, learning from Him, He will show you how to be properly yoked to your spouse. It won’t happen overnight. Learning from Him is a process. Transformation is a process. But don’t give up! Your journey will be so much richer if you will simply “come to Jesus” and take His yoke, as Matthew did. It changed him for life. It will change you, too.

True... Not Fake News

When you got up this morning, did you feel like a masterpiece? When you spoke to your wife, did you say the things that should be said to someone who is highly valued by the Creator? When you addressed your imperfect child after they proved their imperfections, did you treat them with the honor due the workmanship of Almighty God? When your husband came home, did he receive the love and respect you would give to God’s work of art?

Dr. Neil Warren cites that research shows that “the average person has up to 1,300 words of self-talk per minute. These self-talk words are the brush strokes that paint pictures in our hearts. These thoughts are seeds we plant in our hearts that grow and produce” (Johnson, 2013, p. 286).

Most people that seek help to overcome stressful situations and anxiety in their lives, are struggling to think of themselves or others as God’s handiwork; His masterpiece. Rather, our minds seem to have a default setting of negativity.

I would encourage you to begin an exercise that can turn your life around and make your heart more pliable in the hands of The Potter… The Creator… your Master Designer… so that you can realize the masterpiece that is looking back at you in the mirror. It will help you see what is the truth, in God's eyes, and not settle for the "fake news" that Satan propagates. It is simple, but requires you to focus and be disciplined and dedicated. It will cost you nothing, but gain you everything.

1.      1)  Take the thoughts in your head at any given time. Picture yourself throwing a net over them and making them your captive.

2.     2)   Bring those captive thoughts to the foot of the throne of God and lay them at His feet. Now they are His to do with as He sees fit. If they are pleasing to Him, He will give them back to you to plant in the soil of your heart so they can grow into what will bring positive things into your life. If they displease Him, out they go!

3.     3)   Replace all the false beliefs and thoughts that have been discarded with thoughts that are true, according to His Word. Let me help you with that…
I I am his masterpiece.
I was created in the image of God and God is love, therefore I am made to love… everyone…always.
 Because God made me to love, He enables me to do so.
I am covered with an amazing grace, because my commitment to follow Jesus covers every shameful, negative memory and behavior and makes me lovely in God’s eyes.
I am loved so much by my Creator that He left heaven to make the ultimate sacrifice for me.
I can become the person He created me to be.
I can do whatever God calls me to do because He is my strength.
My children are a gift from God and I can cherish my time with them and treat them as such.
My spouse is loved by God and I can give them the love and respect that is pleasing to the One who loves them best.
I was made for a mission and listening and following Him will prepare me for that mission.

4.      4)  Repeat 1-3, daily… or hourly, if needed.

We are all a work in progress and every negative thought that we allow to take root in our heart slows that progress. I don’t want to waste my time and alter the legacy that God wants me to leave behind. I want to take advantage of the Power that is available to me through Jesus and allow Him to transform my thoughts. I believe that our behavior is guided by our thoughts, so if you don’t like what you hear coming out of your mouth or the feelings stirring in your heart, do something about it. Your legacy is your choice. Start today. Three simple steps that become your daily routine can change your life. 

Trivial Pursuit

It is a true statement that we are all pursuing something. As I write this it is Monday morning. Families all over America are frantically pursuing library books, backpacks and lunch money. Some are pursuing peace and quiet after a crazy weekend, while others are back in the workplace pursuing financial security and career advancement. Some are seeking approval, validation, love and commitment. Regardless of who you are, where you live, or where you come from, you are seeking to fulfill some need, or perceived need.

Perhaps your days may seem routine and mundane, and you don’t feel you are “in pursuit” of anything, but just trying to keep your head above water and put one foot in front of the other. If you really want to know what you are pursuing…  ask your kids. They have a way of breaking things down to the simplest form and cutting to the heart of the matter. As they watch how you spend your time and money and hear the words you frequently say, what do you think is their impression of what you are after in life?

Here are a few questions to consider that may indicate what you are inadvertently teaching your kids about what you value enough to pursue...

Do you find yourself rushing around and feeling frantic and panicked? Or do you have time every day to relax and just listen, laugh and live?

Are you spending more time at home looking at a screen or looking into the eyes of your child?

Is it more normal to miss worship than to miss practice?

Is the focus of bedtime pleading, or praying?

Does your menu indicate that your focus is building healthy bodies or just filling bellies?

Do you pay more attention to a clean room or a pure heart?

Does your calendar indicate that athletics trumps altruism, self-sacrifice and goodness?

Is home a haven where order is king or is ruled by haphazard chaos?

Is your primary "go to" scripture or Google?

Are you concerned more with grades or learning?

Are you more likely to surrender to avoid the conflict or do you teach the way out of the crisis?

Is there more consideration about what people think or what God thinks about your choices?

Are you living with too little margin in the budget or the calendar to reach out and help someone in need regularly?

We all want greatness for our kids. We want them to make the team, choose the right friends, learn from the best teachers, get good grades, make National Honor Society, win the game, use their talents, develop great skills, make wise choices. We want them to succeed. We want them to be noticed and awarded for their success. When the mother of two of Jesus’ disciples, seeking the best for her sons, asked Jesus to place them at his side as He rose to what she thought would be a mighty kingdom, he had a very interesting response that we can learn from today. 

Jesus pretty much tells this mother to be careful what she wishes for because being at His side was going to mean letting go of all that success and all those dreams and learning to live or die serving others. Wow! How many parents do you know that spend their parenting years teaching their children service over success? If it is important enough that Jesus told a mother of two very important men in his life, then perhaps it should be more important to us.

Finding balance and wisdom in raising children is not an easy task. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we fail. The important thing is to know what is important to God and make sure that you don’t lean so far into what has no eternal significance that you end up supporting what has no value to the One who created them for His divine purpose... which is in some way wrapped around loving and serving Him and those in need around us.

Think Big!

I like to play it safe. I am not an adventurous risk taker. If it is outside of my comfort zone, I can rationalize all the reasons that I shouldn’t participate. I know how to play to my strengths and avoid dealing with my weaknesses. I can become crippled with fear at the thought of having to do something that seems nearly impossible to me and, probably not so very different from you, I can easily choose to live in a safe little world of serving God. I don’t look for opportunities to be in the limelight, but am perfectly content to sit in the shadows, giving support to those who will lead well. That is me. And I like me! Me is a comfortable and happy place to live. Me is content. Contentment is good. Right?

Contentedness is a paradox. It can be a blessing or a beast. Often it keeps me in a safe place, but what if God is calling me to a place where I would have to depend on Him, and not myself and my gifts. Sunday, Pastor Chris quoted Mark Batterson, “If your prayers aren’t impossible to you, they are insulting to God.” I haven’t been able to get that out of my mind. What could I really do for Jesus if I would be open to the impossible?

I have experienced times when I had to step way outside of my comfort zone. Like when our daughter, Emily, was in a research hospital in Chicago for 5 months. Driving in Chicago was WAY out of my comfort zone. Learning to speak medical-ese and ask lots of questions that probably that probably made me look like an idiot; challenging the decisions of the experts just to make sure they were really doing the best for her; having to ask for care for Justin, our younger son, so that I could be with Emily; depending on others to carry my load at home. All those things were completely out of my comfort zone and you can probably guess what happened in me as a result of leaving my comfort zone.

Then there was the call to lead elementary children at a church of nearly 2,000 people. I had only served in small churches, where I could know everyone and love on them and guide them into leadership. Now I was surrounded by strangers every week trying to know them like I did in a much smaller setting.

And I did fly to the other side of the globe to develop Children’s Ministry leaders at a Church Plant in Australia. Before then, I had never traveled outside of Indiana on my own. Now I was going to a place I had so little knowledge of, learning a different culture, loving on some amazing people who drove on the wrong side of the street, and trading the Indiana deer for the Queensland kangaroo. That was WAY out of my comfort zone.

In all those “discomfort zones,” I began to find a new me. There was growth and a broadening of my comfort zone. I learned so much that I can barely remember what it was like to be the me that played it safe. I learned that God is able to transform me into who He needs me to be at any given time, if I simply let go and allowed Him to direct my path.

But… that was five years ago and more. As I continue to mull over that sermon in my heart, I know that it is always time to pray bold prayers for God to use me in whatever manner will fulfil His plan. I must KNOW that my contentment is because I am in the center of His will, and not simply because what I am doing comes so naturally to me that it has become simple. My God has a big plan. Not a simple one.

Maybe it is time for you to join me in praying bold prayers and asking God to do big things in and through you. Maybe it is time to stop hiding behind the fear that we like to identify as humility. “I am just not good enough, I am not fast enough, I am not knowledgeable enough, I am not skilled enough… to do any more than I am already doing.” With all those “I” statements, are we really all that humble? We are totally focused on ourselves. When we compare ourselves to others, who are we thinking about? Ourselves! When we hide from new challenges, who are we thinking about? Ourselves.

Humility is NOT thinking less of yourself. It is thinking of yourself, less. Maybe it is time to let go of all the false humility and allow God to take us to a whole new level of following Him. Imagine the fulfillment of actually taking your hands off the wheel and letting God steer you to new heights. Be bold and audacious as you pray for His will to be done in your life and you will see growth like never before! Who knows? He may even throw in the bonus of a few kangaroos!

Ambition

Have you read Luke’s account of the Last Supper that Jesus shared with His disciples? Remember the part where they argued among themselves about who was the greatest among them? It looks pretty ridiculous to us, because we know that Jesus was about to face a horrifying experience by any standard, and all they are thinking about is themselves. Keep reading and you find that Jesus didn’t condemn them for their pride issue. Perhaps His mind was reeling at their blindness, but at the same time He realized that the sacrifice He was about to make would provide atonement for such things. How did he respond? He reminded them that greatness, in God’s economy, comes from a servant’s heart.

So let’s bring that home. Where are your relationships sitting right now? If you are struggling to find the win, can I just toss you a lifeline right now and encourage you to take heart… find hope… come up for air?  Take a look at what is driving you. It is entirely possible that you have lost all your ambition to make the life you always dreamed of because your investment, to date, has been about your dreams for yourself. Step back and look at how that would change if your heart’s desire was to build up your husband, rather than shutting him down… or out. Guys, what if your joy came from meeting her intimacy needs rather than your own?

Often times our relationships are crowded with our ambitions to have our own needs met. Relationships typically begin because we have a void and he or she fills that void… until they stop… for a vast variety of reasons. We struggle to know what love is, because we see it as the feeling we get when our needs are met. That has to be the all-time win in the field of deception. The Bible tells us that God is Love and since God is God, he has no “needs.” He is, in fact, the supplier of needs. Love, then, is active and full of selfless ambition. When we love as God loves, we present ourselves as a living sacrifice to be used by Him to fulfill His plan.

Let’s face it. We compare ourselves to others way too much. “I do way more around the house than he does.” “I have to plan everything.” “I am far more giving…”  That is the absolute wrong path to be traveling. When the disciples of Jesus began to compare and wonder who was the greatest, Jesus told them that the one who serves is the greatest. If your motive is to serve, do it in love… and burn your scorecard!

Make loving selflessly your greatest ambition. “For God so loved the world that He gave…”  Believe that the God who gave the ultimate gift is able to supply your needs and learn to love as He loves… not for your benefit, but for the benefit of others. “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice” (James 3:16). Not the “reward” I am looking for in this life. And I’m sure you don’t want to reap a harvest of disorder and evil, either.

Father, guide me down the path of servanthood and help me to kick selfish ambition out the door!

Circles

When I teach I like sitting in a circle. Nobody is in front or in back, but we are all able to see each other and interact better when we are connected in that manner. Circles are good. Interaction is good. Seeing and hearing others is good.

We all need circles. There has to be that time of day when we come together as a family and make eye contact and listen to each other’s story. It is a great time to observe body language and look deep into hearts. Maybe that is the dinner table. Maybe that is when you say goodnight. Days are full and calendars are packed, but it has to happen if you want to make the most of family life.

Your children need you to help them live in circles. They need to learn to look into the eyes and hearts of other children and learn to be compassionate. They need you to help them understand that the child at school who is unkind or unclean or unprepared is living in a different world with parents who are unable to meet the needs of that child well. They need you to help them pray for those children with genuine concern, rather than a critical spirit.

You, as a parent shaping young lives, need a circle. Not just friends that are fun to hang out with, but friends who will direct you when you stumble off the right path. Friends who can come to you when life is hard and know they won’t be judged. You need a circle of friends who will help you see yourself as you truly are; no flattery; no critical spirit; simply truth.

Shaping a child’s heart is the most important thing that you will ever do. When you think about it, it is pretty arrogant to think you are fine to do that on your own without surrounding yourself with a circle of Godly friends who can serve as mentor, coach and confidant. Take a look at those who you feel you can trust and ask them if they will be in your circle. Find someone struggling and ask them to be in your circle. Give and take and learn and grow as you discover the power of the circle.

Wait!

Dear brothers and sisters, be patient as you wait for the Lord’s return.

Consider the farmers who patiently wait for the rains in the fall and in the spring.

They eagerly look for the valuable harvest to ripen.

You, too, must be patient.

 Take courage, for the coming of the Lord is near.

 James 5:7-8

James writes this message to the Jesus followers who are being persecuted in unmerciful ways. They want Jesus to return and rescue them NOW. Many still probably see a valiant warrior returning to conquer Rome and bring justice, regardless of the fact that Jesus told them many times, that His Kingdom is not of this world, but in their hearts. Perhaps they wanted vengeance. They wanted payback for the pain and suffering perpetrated on the Jews. They DID NOT want to be patient.

If we bring that into our homes, perhaps you can relate to that. You have felt trapped in a marriage, waiting for God to “fix” what is wrong. You are sick of waiting for him or her to see you, to notice you, to care about how you feel or what you think. Your heart longs for those types of relationships you feel other couples have. You see older couples holding hands and smiling and long for that… worrying that your story won’t end so sweetly. You feel persecuted and down-trodden and like this isn’t the gig you signed up for. This is NOT the person you thought you married. Maybe you have thought of divorce or if divorce isn’t in your vocabulary, you simply feel miserably stuck. Relationships end daily because we are unwilling to wait and see that God will make a way through the struggles… if we will simply be patient.

James tells the believers that are facing more misery than we are likely to ever endure, to “take courage for the LORD is near.” There will be things they cannot control, just like the farmer. The farmer learns when to plant and the best process for growing a healthy crop and will do all they know to do in order to bring in a great harvest. It is WORK. The same is true in your marriage. It is work. You must learn and grow and give 100% in order to grow a healthy marriage. But, just as the farmer cannot control the clouds or the rain or the heat or frost, you cannot control your spouse and the amount of work they are willing to put into growing your marriage. So, let that notion go, right now! If you are praying for your marriage, great! Do just that, but don’t try to answer your prayer by changing your husband or wife. That is what God is doing in response to your prayer. Wait on Him to do what you have asked rather than crying that it just isn’t working. There is a distinct possibility that He is trying to change your heart and attitudes, as well as your husband’s or wife's.

So keep praying for your home and for your marriage, knowing that God hears your prayers. Praying for your marriage to be a reflection of God’s love is so much more pleasant that complaining about your spouse. Grumbling only brings pain. But, patience… waiting on the Lord, has a way of growing us into that old smiling couple walking hand in hand. They know where they have come from and Who it was that got them through it.

Don’t grumble about each other, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged.

For look—the Judge is standing at the door!

For examples of patience in suffering, dear brothers and sisters,

look at the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord.

We give great honor to those who endure under suffering.

For instance, you know about Job, a man of great endurance.

You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end,

for the Lord is full of tenderness and mercy.

James 5:9-11

Time For Growth

Once upon a time there was a Master Gardener. People would come from all around to admire his gardens and get tips on how to cultivate their own flower beds and vegetable patches. He was quick to tell them that gardening wasn’t for the haphazard or faint of heart, but that it would take knowledge and patience and determination. There would have to be a commitment of time and a great deal of work in order to grow prize winning roses or hardy mums. Vegetables that others would envy, would require dedication.

The Gardener loved to take them to his shed and show the visitors the tools that were needed to get the soil ready for planting, the fertilizer that would bring the most beautiful foliage and the best compounds to ward off pest that would threaten healthy growth. He would explain the investment of time that must occur in order for any of these tools to be beneficial. Simply having a lovely shed full of spades and pruning shears, plant food and pestisides would not create success. There must be a commitment to using these tools faithfully and properly.

Then the Gardener would take them to into the Garden and allow them to feast their eyes on the fruits of his labors. They would admire the rich, dark soil, the straight rows and the healthy foliage of the plants. The array of colors was so brilliant that it stirred the souls of those who observed in silent awe.

Often the Gardener would listen to the conversations as the visitors walked around his yard. Some would share a determined spirit to learn all they could in order to enjoy this beauty at home. Others would begin making a list of all the supplies they would need and the websites they would visit and the books they would read to develop their skills. Some would argue that it couldn’t be done in their soil, while their partner would try to convince them that they could make the soul rich with proper care. But, by far, the comment he enjoyed the most was when they would consider the amount of time it would take to create such a magnificent masterpiece.

The Master Gardner, with a nod of his head, would always respond with affirmation. “Yes, time is the most critical investment in growing things. Growing tomatoes, dahlias, pumpkins and roses requires knowledge and tools, but most of all, success comes when you take the time to cultivate, to nurture, to plant good seeds, to pull the weeds that threaten their life. Tossing seeds in the ground and expecting a good harvest is like sending your child to school and expecting them to come home as responsible adults at the end of the day. Unless you are willing to spend the time learning, nurturing, and paying careful attention; unless you cultivate an environment that is conducive to growth; unless you take the time to find the weeds and remove them, you will be dismayed with the outcome.” And with a sparkle in his eye and a wave of his hand he would bid them good day with a final word of advice. “Take the time to do what matters most. Growing a lovely garden is good, but growing lovely children is critical to our species.”

The old Gardner speaks truth. Parenting is a 24/7 job. It isn’t convenient. It can be messy and it takes time. Lots and lots of time. But nothing you can do with your time is more precious. 

Onions and Obedience

I bought a couple of sweet onions last week. I chose carefully. Made sure that they were firm and had no soft spots. They looked healthy. They would make the best salsa and slice up nicely on a grilled burger. But, when I cut into the first one I was really surprised. A good ¼” of layers were brown and mushy. The heart was good and the outside was good, but I had to throw away a good bit of the inside. Such a disappointment!

I got to thinking, as I was dissecting the disappointing onion, how much that vegetable was like myself and other God followers. At the core of our being, we are good. We have been made righteous by the grace of God through Jesus. We want to be an obedient lamb following the Good Shepherd. And that is also what the world may see as they examine us and see what is on the outside. Our neighbors see us going to church every Sunday… almost. We are engaged in a Bible reading plan on our smart phones. We are kind…mostly. We put money in the offering plate. We don’t have any serious vices.

Then there is that layer that we think we have hidden from the world. That layer of rot that we just can’t seem to get rid of. Maybe it is an unforgiving spirit…judgmental attitude… greed… jealousy… laziness… insincerity… that lie that is buried in those layers, safe from the eyes of the world. Whatever it is, it will be revealed. There is no possible way to keep it hidden. The rot tends to spread and before long, the entire onion is bad and there is no hiding a rotten onion! We may hide it from others for quite a while, but God is all seeing and He knows those layers in your heart and mind that are rotten and life-threatening to you.

James, the brother of Jesus, tells us that God is a jealous God and wants our total surrender and submission. He wants the whole onion, so to speak. God is not that green-eyed monster that we think of when we think of jealousy. He is the One who knows our story even before it is played out. He is the one that holds our purpose in His hand, like a blueprint telling the way we should go. He is the one who made us with that purpose in mind. He is All Knowing, therefore, He has the most righteous reason for desiring our surrender. He alone can direct our steps in the proper manner. He alone can give us direction and the wisdom we need to fulfill the plan He has for us. That seemingly small thing hiding inside of us will keep us from living up to the potential He planted within us.

Can you identify the rotten layer that is keep you at risk of the unfortunate outcome of less than complete surrender? Is there bitterness inside? Is there anger and impatience? How about feelings of insecurity and anxiety? Is a lack of self-control eating at you? Ask God to reveal your rotten layers and He will do it! He is the Healer and desires your heart and mind to be healed of anything that is getting in the way of your success as a follower, as a spouse, a student, a parent, an employee or employer. He can restore you to what He made you to be and guide you in fulfilling the plan He made for you even before you were born.

Maybe it’s time to take Him at His word and be serious about being faithful to God and Him alone. Maybe it is time for you to surrender all your layers to Him and allow His healing to take place so you can follow without looking back, submitting wholly to His will.

So obey God.

Stand up to the devil. He will run away from you.

⁸ Come near to God, and he will come near to you.

Wash your hands, you sinners.

Make your hearts pure, you who can’t make up your minds.

Be full of sorrow. Cry and weep.

Change your laughter to mourning. Change your joy to sadness.

Be humble in front of the Lord. And he will lift you up.

James 4:7-10 (NIRV)