Release The Grip

Anyone remember the Dionne Warwick song from the 70s, “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again?”  It proposes the idea that love is nothing but pain and trouble and definitely not worth your investment. There is some truth to the notion that with love, there is pain. When you give your heart to the care and keeping of another flawed human being, you risk it all. They now have the potential to bring more joy into your life than anyone else. They also have the potential to bring more hurt. Their words matter more. Their attitudes impact you more. Their actions affect you more. You have become very vulnerable because you have given your heart to another.

After exposing all the dangers of falling in love, Dionne vows, “so, for at least until tomorrow, I’ll never fall in love again.” Even though it can be painful, the fact remains, we were made to love. We were created to live in relationships. In spite of the risk of pain and sorrow, most of us jump into love and give our hearts, expecting the best and being blind-sighted by the worst. Sometimes it is because we didn’t use wisdom in our choice, did not follow God’s plan for our future, married for all the wrong reasons… but even in the best circumstances, we are still human and we will fail and pain will happen.

How are you doing? This is an important question because healthy relationships matter, not just for the sake of your heart or your sanity or your marriage, but for the sake of your children. You see, something many parents don’t realize is that beyond teaching manners and how to tie shoes and say the alphabet, you are the primary teacher of healthy relationships. The way you do life with your spouse and with others is the text book they study every day.

My wise father states very simply that the best thing to help a marriage thrive is to have “a good forgetter.”  Obviously he doesn’t mean that you forget the important things but that you forget the infractions against you. The most unhealthy relationships are those that hold on tightly to that grudge, refusing to forgive an injustice. Withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. It festers in your heart and causes more suffering than our hearts are created to withstand.

Are you certain that you have released the grip of the grudge? Have you let go of that time when he really disappointed you? The “relationship textbook” that your kids are studying in your home can have many chapters. Do these chapter titles fill your book?  “How to Withhold Affection When You’re Mad.”  “The Silent Treatment as Punishment.” “How To Use The Kids As Leverage To Hurt Your Spouse.”  “Words That Help You Get Even.” “Invest In The Kids Instead Of The Marriage.” “How To His Push Buttons.” The title of this book is The Deadly Grip of Unforgiveness.

If you are teaching your kids about relationships from the textbook called, The Deep Joy of Forgiveness, the chapters will be more like…  “Turing the Other Cheek,” “He Didn’t Intend To Hurt You,” “She Is Still Learning To Love,” “Be Patient,” “Extending Grace,” “Listening More Than Talking.” 

Having a healthy relationship with the people in your life is the best way to insure that your children will have healthy relationships. May I encourage you to release your grip on whatever grudge you are nursing and hold tightly, instead, to the joy of forgiving. Extending grace to those who sought to destroy Him is the example of Jesus. The example we are to follow.

Grace cannot be earned by anyone so if you desire to be like Jesus, showing grace when it isn’t deserved is a giant step in the right direction. Release the grip on what destroys and get a solid grip on what breathes life into your relationships.