Peek-A-Boo

Babies and toddlers love to play peek-a-boo. Ever wonder if it is because they are laughing at us for thinking we are hidden from them while they are fully aware we are behind that blanket all the time.  It is fun to watch the delight on their face when we suddenly reappear, but the terror on their face when they look up and you have vanished from their sight is quite the opposite. You were just there in the room with them and now you are not and a blood curdling cry rapidly follows that realization. Rightly so. We are their security. We are the ones who provide their food and their comfort and protection. Human babies are helpless without us to care for them, however, if we are always providing that care, we discover they never learn the art of self-soothing and as they get older, problem solving.

So, what do you suppose is happening in the heavenly realms when our Father has seemingly left us alone and we are terrified; powerless to take care of ourselves? Do you think that perhaps He is allowing us to develop our faith muscles? To begin to realize that we can depend on Him, even when it seems He isn’t there?

I think there is likely not a single person who has walked with God who hasn’t at some point felt that God has forgotten or abandoned them. I really don’t understand how my faith can be so strong in one crisis and then in the next I can feel like God is out to lunch. I don’t get it, but God does. He knows our weakness. He knows our hearts. He knows our questions. He Knows Us!

Read the Bible and you will find that those whom we call Giants of the faith have questioned God…. Wondered if He is on vacation…. Felt abandoned by Him.  I guess that means we are in good company when our doubts and fears arise. But one thing we can learn from them is that, after the fear and anger and whatever else we feel, there is God. He never forsakes us and, though we sometimes feel forgotten, there is God.  When our trials seem more than we can bear, there is God. When our sorrow weighs us down to the point of feeling crushed, there is God. When we don’t understand why or when life isn’t fair, there is God.

Voice your concerns to Him. Cry out to Him. Tell Him what is in your heart. He is ready to hear from you and is able to take whatever criticism you may have. In the end, you will find He is there, listening. He is there, ready to calm your soul. He is there, with a balm for your weariness. He is there. He never left. Perhaps He is just around the corner helping you learn to exercise your faith muscles.

My Lasso of Truth

If you had a super power, what would it be? That is a question I often ask kids just to get conversations started. I think I have landed on the same one, over and over again. TRUTH. Not like Wonder Woman’s lasso of truth that, once you have it around your waist, you are compelled to tell the truth. My super power of truth would allow me to open the minds of all people to see TRUTH.

It is a really important super power, because once you know the truth, you are set free from all the speculation, imaginings and lies of Satan that create fear, doubt and brokenness.

 Marriages crumble because of false perceptions about how your spouse is feeling or what they are thinking. Careers have been destroyed due to the suspicion not based on the truth. Court cases have been lost and innocent people found guilty, all because the truth is obscured from the mind of the jurors. Guilty people, conversely, have walked free because the truth was not told.

Students are wrongly accused, suspected of wrong-doing and they have to work doubly hard to restore the trust of their teachers and classmates. Even our own children have been punished by us because we don’t know what really happened.

So many things would be better if we knew the truth. Jesus even stated that it is truth that sets us free (John 8:32). He wants His followers to believe that He is who He says, and what He says is true. Not just on an intellectual level, but something that you know in your heart… so much so that you are compelled to follow Him. Completely. Totally. Surrendered.

I talk to people every day that live in bondage because they cannot see the truth that God loves and cares specifically about them. They have listened to lies about who God is and, ofen, about who they are. If only I could use my wannabe super power to help them to see God and see that they were fashioned by a Mighty Creator. I would help them to see that this Creator loves them and made them in His very image so that, if they walk with Him and learn from Him, His glory would be reflected in their lives. I would tell them that He truly made them with a purpose and they are no accident. His plan for their life is waiting to unfold once they see the truth of who they are and who God is and allow God’s redemptive grace to reconnect them to Him.

If I could make you see the truth, I would give you faith that the God who made you, loved you enough to leave heaven and become human so that His sacrifice could reunite you with Him for eternity. I would show you that death could not keep Him in the grave, but that He arose from the dead on the 3^rd day and returned to heaven to prepare a place for you. I would use my super power to convince you that the Spirit of God remains with you always, and will direct your steps toward God’s intended purpose for you.

But, alas, I have no super power… however, the One who holds all power in His hand is the Author of Truth. His heart’s desire is for you to know the truth about Him, and the truth about yourself. Ask Him to open your eyes and your heart to His Truth, and let Him set you free from the lies that Satan has told you. Live in the freedom of truth and not in the bondage of lies. It will change your life, forever!

I Believe

“I believe in Christ, like I believe in the sun. Not because I can see it, but by it I can see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

We see signs proclaiming, “I Believe,” all over…. But I’m not sure what it is that is being believed. At Christmas, is it Santa or the virgin birth of Jesus? At Easter is it the big Bunny or the Resurrected Savior? Do we believe in ourselves, our skills, determination and our ability to overcome adversity or do we believe in the power of God within us providing the strength and wisdom and courage to do so?

What do you believe?

On what truths would you stake your life?

Now, think about what you are doing in your home, with your family, to prove that.

If you are raising a family, what is it that you do and say that would be the evidence your children need to prove that you have placed your trust and belief in a God whose face we cannot see?  How are you demonstrating for them that Jesus is the only One to follow? What is His Light revealing to you?

You may be doing really good things. That makes you a good person. That doesn’t, however, connect you to Jesus in their eyes. Too often we direct our kids by telling them what they are to do because we are “the boss” and they just need to listen and obey. Now we have successfully taught them how to do good things, but haven’t connected those good things to the Guide who is honored by our obedience.

You can go to church every Sunday, have devotions every day, volunteer to help at church or in the community, but how will they know that what you are doing is because you BELIEVE that Jesus loves you, left heaven in order to reconcile you to God, died to save your life, and is the force within you that guides you daily and supplies your needs?

To be a light that reflects God’s love and goodness to your family, you don’t have to be the “perfect” Christian (as if there was such a thing) or always get it right. If you want your family to know that you do the things you do because you are following Jesus, you simply need to be vocal about it. For instance...

We tell the truth because Jesus tells us that lies will tangle us all up so that it is hard to live freely.

We are kind to others because Jesus wants us to treat others as we want them to treat us.

We do our best because any less is like stealing from God, since all our potential comes from Him.

We go to church to worship God because he requires we take one day in seven to focus on Him and push other things aside.

We help others because Jesus said that he came to serve others and we are to do the same.

We ask for less because Jesus wants us to appreciate what we have and show generosity to others.

We eat healthy food because God provides it for us so that we can grow strong.

We obey our parents and teachers because God put them in our lives to help us grow and learn.

We go to sleep without a fuss because God created our bodies for rest and wants us to take care of the body He made for us.

We listen more than we talk because God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.

We obey because disobedience dishonors God and our parents.

Take a good look in the mirror. Are you seeing a person that is compelled to live right because it is what you were taught as a child? A person who is a good rule follower? A person who is afraid of hell? A person who enjoys the comfort of tradition? A person who is following another person?

OR

Are you seeing a person who is sold out to the God that you BELIEVE in, even when you don’t understand? Maybe you are seeing a person who has lost it and needs to tell your family that you were obviously not doing or saying what Jesus wanted you to say and that you are sorry. Are you seeing a person who has the desire to draw closer to God and learn more of His love and His ways?

If the later paragraph is true of you, that is EXCELLENT!  Now let your family know who you are… a child of the King of Kings who is growing and learning and sometimes making mistakes. Let them know that you don’t always understand what God is doing or why, and you aren’t always paying attention to Him as you should, but that your heart's desire is to live as one who BELIEVES that Jesus loves you. Let them know that you BELIEVE because of the evidence of a resurrected Lord that you find in the pages of scripture. Let them know that He is working in your life and you can’t wait to watch Him work in their lives, too!

Live and lead like you truly BELIEVE!

A Really Good Book

Is there really anything more difficult than taking a tiny helpless infant and turning them into a healthy, kind, honest, responsible adult who walks with Jesus? If there is, I don’t know what it would be… unless perhaps it would be watching them flounder as adults and knowing that you failed to direct them to the Source of all success.

If you are in the process of raising kids, you are aware that it is much more complex than you once thought. It was so easy to advise others about all you could see them doing wrong with their kids until you became a parent. Am I right? Some weeks it is as if new perplexities arise daily and it’s difficult to determine if it is love and patients or truth and wisdom that you need most.

The thing that troubles me is that there is so much wisdom to be found in the Bible about raising children and that knowledge is so easily accessed, yet few parents avail themselves of this free wisdom. I think the reasons are varied. Some don’t think it is relevant. Some would rather read what a PhD has to say (rather than the One who created that person with the brain to gain that degree). And some are too busy being a worn out parent to find out how to be a great parent!

When we were raising our kids we went to church pretty much every time the doors were open. We taught, we served on boards, we sang and led worship, we volunteered for funeral dinners. You name it and our kids saw us doing it. Did that show them Jesus or the path to Him? Did that give them the desire to follow Him? Perhaps it showed them that following Jesus was a whole lot of work! When they were a little older I really began to dig into the Bible and find the truth and wisdom I needed to really get a grip on what it meant to be a follower of Christ. That is when I let go of the notion that staying busy doing things at church was a prerequisite for all followers.

It was when I determined that I needed more that I began to feed myself. I wasn’t learning anything I hadn’t heard all my life in the church. My faith was more following rules and routines than anything. I decided to read that whole Bible. I didn’t stop (like I had all the other times I vowed to read it through) until I had read it all.. and it took me over a year. I didn’t understand it all. Maybe not even half of it. The Middle Eastern customs that colored the pages of Biblical history were as much a mystery then as they are now.  The one thing that I did glean was a better grip on who this Master is that I claim to serve and follow. I found the God that had been more of a notion than a companion to me. And I discovered that He wanted me to know Him intimately so that I could begin to see His great love for me.

I do not think that it is possible to direct anyone, child or adult, to Jesus without first having a deep abiding relationship with Him. And I don’t believe that happens without first reading His Story for yourself. It is good to hear what the teachers and preachers have to say, but it is beautiful when you have a thirst for Him that must be quenched. It begins to be satisfied when you open the pages with the desire to know Him better and it never ever ends, because the more you know Him the more you want to know Him.

Don’t let your kids find a counterfeit God because you haven’t taken the time to know the real God. Start now because the sooner you start, the sooner the pieces begin to fall into place and you discover that, because you know Him better, you can unravel some of the mystery that once stumped you as you read through the pages of His Story.

An overstuffed Easter Basket is nothing compared to giving your kids a parent that is curling up with a Really Good Book!

If My Kids Could Love One Thing...

I have a tapestry on my wall that states,

“You can’t lead your children if you don’t know where you’re going.”

Sometimes life whisks you away into a whirlwind of activity, so much so that you barely know your way back home. Schedules are cramped and calendars are packed and there is little time to even think about your desired destination because the tasks of everyday life are so often all consuming. How do we keep our focus on the destination and trim our sails to get there? It is difficult, yet oh so simple.

Decide where you want your kids to be in,.. let's say one year, or two. Discuss a plan to get them there. Devote yourself to staying the course.  If you don’t take the time to sit down together and determine what the most important thing you want your kids to take away from their years under your roof, you will find that the time has come for them to follow their own path and they have no clue where to find it. Your calendar will always control you if you don't determine to take control of it and be intentional about what you want them to know/learn.

There are many good qualities that you can instill in your kids. Honesty, good work ethic, kindness, strength of character, and the list goes on… but the one thing that you can give them that will cover all of those things, and more, is a love for God’s Word. Now, that will be extremely difficult if you have brushed it aside as something for those who have been to seminary and are “called” to feed the proverbial sheep. You just come and graze at the trough of their knowledge an hour a week and call it good. Maybe you talk about it on the way home and marvel at how well the pastor breaks down the scripture into bite-sized morsels that are quite palatable. You may even have a devotional book that gives you a verse a day to nibble on. Truly, a steady diet like that will leave you severely malnourished, Biblically speaking. And it will not grow a love for the Word in your children. That would be like expecting your kids to watch you in the kitchen and become an excellent chef when “cooking,” for you, means putting a frozen pizza in the oven.

There is so much to be learned from the living Word of God. It is truly inspired; God-breathed; filled with truth; overflowing with real life lessons… often learned the hard way. It has the power to shape hearts and change lives. It holds within its pages the foundation of Truth upon which a godly life can be built. It opens the windows of heaven and exposes the heart of the God who wants to direct our journey to His side.

If you truly want your children to know Truth and embrace it, then first you need to begin to dig in. Don’t leave that to their Children’s Church teacher. They are there to teach and direct, yes! But they are the supplement to what you are teaching at home. It’s not typically very effective to sit at the table and simply read through the Bible with children. It is more personal when you have read it, hidden the message in your heart, seen the transformation in your own life and attitude and then share it with your kids. Tell them your story. Tell them about the Truth that set you free. Use the wisdom of Solomon to direct them. Use the parables of Jesus to teach them.

Don’t be discouraged if you don’t know much about the Bible. Nobody does… until they open it up and start to read. Until they ask questions and dig in. Until they want more and  more truth to speak into their live. You have to start somewhere… sometime… How about NOW?

We all have 1, 440 minutes in a day. Can you devote 20 or 30 of them to God’s Word? It will open your eyes to who He is and what He wants to do in your life. It will become a roadmap laid out before you. I believe that it is totally true that you can’t lead your kids if you don’t know where you’re going. Make a plan to study His “map.”  Failing to plan is planning to fail. Find the time. Carve it out of the busyness. Follow through. Lead your children in the way that HE has for them and teach them to love His Word by allowing it to breathe fresh life into your busy days.

Love Muscles

“Gramma, why did you marry Papa?” Of course I gave the proper answer, “Because I loved him soooo much and wanted to be with him forever.”  I was 18 years old when I said YES! to marriage. What I knew of love was not very accurate or realistic, but I knew that he was the one I wanted to grow old with.

Remember when you first determined who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? Remember why? My response to why I wanted to be Mrs. Dana Brady 41 years ago would have been immature and uneducated. I wanted to keep the feeling I was experiencing forever and was certain that our love would sustain that euphoria. But then life happens. He works late and stops making her laugh. She has bad hair days and burnt meatloaf. Kids come on the scene and you cease to even be a couple. Now you are parents. Exhausted parents! What happened to that feeling? What happened to “love?”

When I think back over the years of our marriage, I can’t sort out how much has been happy and how much has been sad. I don’t know how much has been play and how much as been work. I don’t know how much laughter or how much tears. It is all blended together to create our journey. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You see, all those Mountaintops were amazing and thrilling. And all the valleys were where we learned how to love. How to live. How to give.

If you are struggling in your marriage, know that God is helping you build your love muscles. Without such experiences, we don’t grow. Of course, it is possible to allow those struggles to build resentment rather than love muscles. Anger and resentment will turn into bitterness and that will turn your “happily ever after” into wasted years and stale relationships.

As I write this column, I am aware of a few couples that I care deeply about who are struggling through the valley of their marriage. I pray for them daily because I know that it is much more common to walk away than to commit to loving more and meeting needs and making sacrifices and owning your share of the reason you have landed here.

At 18 I didn’t know that love was hard work. I didn’t know that it could hurt so badly. I didn’t know that it was more than a spectacular feeling. I just wanted it and wanted it to grow and grow into wedded bliss. Four decades later, I know that we made a commitment to each  other and no matter what, we were determined to figure out how to fulfill that commitment. It wasn’t just to co-exist, but to truly LIVE and LOVE with all our might. And that meant we sometimes had to give more love than we received. It meant that we had to talk to godly people who knew how to love for a lifetime and take their advice. It meant sacrifice and learning to communicate inoffensively. It meant putting the desires of each other ahead of our own… even when one of us wasn’t reciprocating!

I love being married to Dana. I love the time that we spend together. I love the comfort and contentment we feel when we are together. And I even love knowing that there will still be times when we aggravate or ignore, when we inadvertently hurt each other. There will be times when we get lazy and don’t get it right. But I really love knowing that we have discovered that, just as soon as we notice our error, we will pounce on the cure. And we will love each other the very best that we can, because we have some pretty strong love muscles.

“Thanks, God, for those valleys that have made our love strong. And bless all my friends with great workouts in the valleys, rather than the sorrow that doesn’t produce the growth You have designed. And help them to find the happily ever after that we have found. Amen”

Renewed Hope

When we live in a world of “IF ONLY” we are living in a world of hopelessness. We are simply waiting for all things to fall into place so that we can have the outcome we long for.

“If only I he would ________, then we may have hope of fixing our marriage.” 

“If only we had _____________ we could survive this.”

“If only our kids could see ________ then they would be on the right track.”

“If only she realized _________ then our relationship could be healthy.”

“If only we made ______, our financial nightmare would be over.”

But, what if it is in those times when we feel the greatest need, that we have the most? What if it were in our struggles, that we came to the place of greatest surrender? And what if that surrender, that complete helplessness, that letting go of our control, is where we need to be in order to allow God to do what He does best?

Left to our own devices, I fear that we are most prone to destroy the destiny God designed for us. We aren’t here by accident. Our entry into this world and the circumstances that surround our lives are not outside of God’s plan until we try to “improve” things by doing what we feel is best, rather than allowing Him to direct. Remember Adam and Eve? They decided – even after who knows how many days, years, or even centuries of walking with God in a perfect relationship, that they could do better than that. Why? Because they were deceived. They were coaxed into believing something else could be better than God’s plan.

Listening to and believing lies always ends badly. But how can we know the difference between the truth and the lies that are so very convincing and often quite logical? First of all, stop listening to the voice of the world. If you have a friend that is not walking with Jesus, that is not a student of God’s Word, then as sweet and wise as they seem to be, if they don’t know Jesus, they can’t be trusted to lead you down His path for you. Second, get into the Word of God and find out what Jesus had to say about life. Read what His closest followers learned from their time with Him.

Finally, commit to walking closer to Jesus, realizing that He walked some pretty dark and lonely roads. Walking with Jesus doesn’t mean everything is beautiful and rosy and turns out exactly as we planned. It means that we are in the hands of the Potter who will continually mold us into His likeness with the circumstances that come our way.

If your marriage is not what you want, let God use that to mold you and shape you into a vessel filled with His love. If your kids are difficult to handle, God is teaching you to be a better parent. If your job sucks, God is strengthening you for the future. If your family is not treating you with love, God is teaching you to be long-suffering. If things are taking too long to change, He is teaching you patience.

Look past what you can see right now. Look into the unseen. You just may get a glimpse into what God is doing in your life.

“So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.”

2 Corinthians 5:16-18 (The Message)

Relationships That Outlast Us

Lately, there have been many conversations in our home about what the future looks like for us, financially and vocationally. It’s the time in life when you begin to realize that your investments matter. . . a lot. Unless you think you will be able to be gainfully employed until you die, it is really critical how you invest in your retirement, financially speaking. There are other ways to invest, however, that are even more important. The investment we have made in our relationship as husband and wife is also preparing us for a strong and healthy future together and that cannot be taken from us, no matter the financial or health implications.

Take a minute and think about the relationships in which you are currently investing. How are these relationships growing you as a person? How are they growing the people with whom you spend time? What is the return on your investment? Are you investing yourself in a legacy that will outlive your days on this earth? What are you pouring into your future with your spouse? How about your children? When they are grown and you are gone, what will they say is the legacy you left behind?

Here is another topic of conversation in the Brady home, of late. Maybe you have noticed that super bright star in the western sky in the evenings this month. It isn’t actually a star, but a planet. Venus is somewhere around 25 million miles away from us, yet its light shines brighter than all the stars. And about those stars… the nearest one to us Earthlings is Proxima Centauri. It is 4.23 light years (23 trillion miles- give or take) away from the Earth's solar system. Just to put that into perspective, the Voyager 1 spacecraft was launched in 1977. It travels at approximately 38,000 miles per hour and is scheduled to reach Proxima Centauri in 80,000 years.

Somehow, in my not so scientific mind, there is a connection between our investment in our relationships with others and the heavenly lights. Our families have been given to us for more than our pleasure. They are in closest proximity to us and we shine the brightest on them. Good or bad, they are looking at our light and it is having an impact that will last longer than we will. As a matter of fact, some of the starlight we see at night, so the experts say, is traveling to us long after the star has ceased to exist.

If you are reading this, you are a living being with the ability to reflect the light of Jesus on all the people around you. In order to do that, however, you must remain in close proximity to Him. Daily time with Jesus, learning from His life and His words, listening for His Spirit to direct your day, your words, your attitudes, your thoughts will all factor into the light that you are shining in every relationship you have. Particularly those nearest you. And that light from you will shine far beyond your lifetime. Like the heavenly lights, our lives are meant to leave behind a light for generations to come.

Taking all this into consideration, take a look at your relationships, at home, at work, during leisure time, at school… etc. What light are you reflecting? How are you directing others to the true Light of the world? Are you involved in a relationship that allows the Light of Jesus to draw you closer to Him? We all need that friend we vent to, but in the end, does that friend bring you back to the Truth? The truth is that we are His people, commanded to love and serve God and one another. That should be where that venting session ends. Is that the light that your friends reflect? That you reflect for them? If not, you are possibly seeing life with your own self at the center, living for the day, for the “feeling,” for the illusive happiness you feel you are entitled. If that is where you find yourself, I can guarantee that you will become as comfortable as a fish out of water, for you are seeking the wrong things for your species.

You were created to be a carrier of LIGHT in our dark world. Examine your relationships and make sure that you are reflecting the LIGHT of Jesus. Every single day, be the light that will shine in the hearts of people for generations after your earthly vessel has returned to dust.

“Lord, remind us each night as we see the heavenly lights, that we are created to carry your light to the world in such a manner as to guide others to You even after we are gone. Help us to invest in relationships that will allow us to shine and receive Your light into the darkest corners of our hearts so that we can experience Your transformation. Thank You for the eternal nature of  Your light that will shine until You return. Amen.”

Living with Margin

On Saturday we will be celebrating the life of my Aunt Ruth. Alzheimer’s kept her from living alone after my uncle passed, and so she moved into our home and those months were a huge blessing to me. She was a simple and lovely soul and even with her mind failing, she still taught me a better way to live.

Prior to coming to my house Aunt Ruth had lost weight and her clothes hung on her. She refused to buy new ones because all she really needed was to wear a belt! The collars of her shirts were showing a great deal of wear, but they had served her well for decades and there was nothing wrong with them that a hot iron couldn’t remedy! All of their important papers could be found in the small metal box on the shelf in the closet. Her kitchen was never cluttered, because she kept only the bare necessities. Every time she would open my refrigerator she would announce, “I need to do something about this mess!” I obviously had more in there than I needed. In her fridge, you could easily see and identify every item at all times. Ketsup, Mustard, Mayo, Sprite, Butter, Bologna, Black Raspberry Jam and whatever meat she planned to fix for supper. I would have more than that in one cubic foot!

Her small and simple life had a huge impact on so many people. She had no worries about what to eat. She kept it simple. She had no worries about what to wear. That was simple, too! Never a pile of laundry to do, because they didn’t have enough clothes between them to fill a washer more than once a week. The house was always tidy and the lawn was immaculate. They always had what they needed and they always, ALWAYS had enough to help any of us who might need it.

Aunt Ruth was 92 years old when she woke up in heaven. It comforts me to believe that Uncle Tom was there waiting to greet her, but I don’t really know how that works. They had spent many years together in the cab of a North American Van Lines Semi zig-zagging across the United States. For as far back as I can remember they did everything together. They were a team and they were devoted to each other and to God and to His Church.

Sunday, when Pastor Chris spoke about the Biblical teaching of living our lives with margin, I couldn’t help but think of Aunt Ruth and Uncle Tom. They left no estate behind. They never owed marvelous things. They didn’t travel the world. In our culture, their lives would appear small and insignificant.  But if you take into consideration the huge margin around them, their lives were huge and they left a HUGE imprint on so many of us.

What I have learned from them is that if I keep acquiring more things, my house will not be as tidy as I want it to be. If I buy more clothes, my closets will be unmanageable. If I buy more food than we will eat in the next several days, I won’t be able to find it until it rots in the back of the fridge and alerts me to its presence. If I spend more money on what I don’t really need, I will have less to share with others. If I keep my calendar full, I won’t have the availability that they always seemed to have.

Rest in peace, Aunt Ruth. And thank you for teaching me the valuable life lessons about living smaller so I can give bigger.

Release The Grip

Anyone remember the Dionne Warwick song from the 70s, “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again?”  It proposes the idea that love is nothing but pain and trouble and definitely not worth your investment. There is some truth to the notion that with love, there is pain. When you give your heart to the care and keeping of another flawed human being, you risk it all. They now have the potential to bring more joy into your life than anyone else. They also have the potential to bring more hurt. Their words matter more. Their attitudes impact you more. Their actions affect you more. You have become very vulnerable because you have given your heart to another.

After exposing all the dangers of falling in love, Dionne vows, “so, for at least until tomorrow, I’ll never fall in love again.” Even though it can be painful, the fact remains, we were made to love. We were created to live in relationships. In spite of the risk of pain and sorrow, most of us jump into love and give our hearts, expecting the best and being blind-sighted by the worst. Sometimes it is because we didn’t use wisdom in our choice, did not follow God’s plan for our future, married for all the wrong reasons… but even in the best circumstances, we are still human and we will fail and pain will happen.

How are you doing? This is an important question because healthy relationships matter, not just for the sake of your heart or your sanity or your marriage, but for the sake of your children. You see, something many parents don’t realize is that beyond teaching manners and how to tie shoes and say the alphabet, you are the primary teacher of healthy relationships. The way you do life with your spouse and with others is the text book they study every day.

My wise father states very simply that the best thing to help a marriage thrive is to have “a good forgetter.”  Obviously he doesn’t mean that you forget the important things but that you forget the infractions against you. The most unhealthy relationships are those that hold on tightly to that grudge, refusing to forgive an injustice. Withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. It festers in your heart and causes more suffering than our hearts are created to withstand.

Are you certain that you have released the grip of the grudge? Have you let go of that time when he really disappointed you? The “relationship textbook” that your kids are studying in your home can have many chapters. Do these chapter titles fill your book?  “How to Withhold Affection When You’re Mad.”  “The Silent Treatment as Punishment.” “How To Use The Kids As Leverage To Hurt Your Spouse.”  “Words That Help You Get Even.” “Invest In The Kids Instead Of The Marriage.” “How To His Push Buttons.” The title of this book is The Deadly Grip of Unforgiveness.

If you are teaching your kids about relationships from the textbook called, The Deep Joy of Forgiveness, the chapters will be more like…  “Turing the Other Cheek,” “He Didn’t Intend To Hurt You,” “She Is Still Learning To Love,” “Be Patient,” “Extending Grace,” “Listening More Than Talking.” 

Having a healthy relationship with the people in your life is the best way to insure that your children will have healthy relationships. May I encourage you to release your grip on whatever grudge you are nursing and hold tightly, instead, to the joy of forgiving. Extending grace to those who sought to destroy Him is the example of Jesus. The example we are to follow.

Grace cannot be earned by anyone so if you desire to be like Jesus, showing grace when it isn’t deserved is a giant step in the right direction. Release the grip on what destroys and get a solid grip on what breathes life into your relationships.

Cleaning Up

Have you ever helped a child clean their VERY messy room and when it is all in order it is as if everything is new. They play with toys they had abandoned because all the pieces have been found. They enjoy a toy they couldn’t find in all the clutter. They actually have socks in their drawer that match and there are no Legos to pierce your feet in the middle of the night. It is a wonderful thing and they vow that they will keep it like this forever!

Does that ever happen… they keep it clean forever…? They may keep it clean until they decide something else is more fun than taking care of their things… or they get in a hurry… or you have a late night of homework and no time for the bedtime ritual of picking everything up and putting it in its place. Or the worst…. A friend comes over and wants to see all the toys and thinks it is a good idea to dump them all on the floor. Your child is now completely overwhelmed and you have to go back and help pick up the pieces of that once tidy space.

As parents/grown-ups, we aren’t so very different. We work to lose weight and get fit, then let it go when we allow temptation to lead us astray. We vow to never let the laundry pile up, but after work we are just too tired so we push it back another day. We are going to get out those envelops and stay on budget until we are too tired to cook and order pizza instead or decide it would be bad stewardship to miss all those sales… even when our closets are bulging with clothing.

None of us really wake up in the morning and think, “I want to be a hot mess today and allow my lack of self-control take over my life. I hope to disappoint my spouse with my rude tongue. I can’t wait to scream at my kids until they cry. My plan at work is to cut corners and waste time. I will text and drive and cause an accident. I will eat the junk food that makes me miserable and drink too much so that I am not myself. I will feed my addiction and push aside my desire to walk with Jesus this day, because my way is obviously better.” We don’t say those things… but far too often, we live them.

Why is that? Paul tells the first century church in Rome that, if we are following Jesus, we no longer need to be a slave to the demands of sin. He reminds the young converts that a decision to follow Jesus is to link arms and walk the way He walks. The chains of our sinful desires have been broken, but we remain in the dungeon of failure, holding on to those heavy chains.

How many of us who profess to be a follower of Christ are still holding on to the life we lived without him? How many of us are a hot mess because our words haven’t changed, nor have our attitudes. We want that clean room where we can play in peace and find what we need, but we keep inviting the same “friends” into our life who create messes and in the blink of an eye we are back to the mess we want to escape.

If you claim to be a God follower, but your life doesn’t look any different than before you decided to follow Him… then you haven’t followed. You are simply claiming to have a clean room, but keeping the door shut so you don’t have to admit you are a mess.

So, I ask you, are you linked with Jesus and following the path He has for you or are you still linked with the sin you intended to leave behind?  Are you letting Him help you clean up the mess and toss all the brokenness aside? Are you showing your children how life changes when you are no longer a slave to sin but have become a slave to obedience? If you have made a commitment to follow Jesus, within you is the power to overcome the desires that sin planted in your heart. You have what you need to grab the hand of your Savior and walk in His way.

If you want true blessings in your life you have to turn from the way the world lives and trust Him. Your obedience to Him is the beginning of your new life. He accepts us when we are a mess, but it is contrary to His plan for us to remain so. Drop those chains, grab His hand and let’s get this mess cleaned up!

Renew Your World

One of my very favorite chapters in the Bible is Romans 12. It has so much to help us in our day to day relationships. In fact, Dana and I have even led a few Couples Bible Studies based on the truth found in this message from Paul.  Right from the beginning, Paul recognizes that the world is steering us wrong; telling us lies; wanting us to conform to a societal norm that will pull us in the opposite direction of Jesus. Apparently things haven’t changed in the last 2,000 years!

In our current culture, we learn to look a certain way, to talk a certain way, to dress a certain way in order to be acceptable. We choose our own truth and our own path to follow. We must tolerate all things and all people so as not to offend. But what if “our truth” doesn’t align with someone else’s? What does that tolerance look like? How do I take a stand for truth when my truth doesn’t look like your truth? It is a big, hot mess to figure out.

Paul recognized that hot mess in the early church. It probably didn’t look like the 21^st century mess. Regardless, I am convinced that following the ways of the world will always lead you to death. And when we listen to the world, the decay begins. “Don’t listen to the world and the way they think about life and relationships and living in harmony with one another,” Paul begs his readers. “If you want to see God show off in you, change the way you think! Stop thinking about how your needs can be met and being angry and resentful when someone fails you. Stop trying to push the blame and force others to change. Work, instead, to honor others above yourself and serve them in love regardless of how you are treated.” That’s my paraphrase…

If you and your husband live the way that Paul describes in this chapter – and, incidentally, he learned it all from the teachings of Jesus – then your home will be filled with joy, tension would fade, love would reign, and your kids would be watching a wonderful example of what marriage was intended to be. They will learn how to treat others, how to be the person Jesus calls us to be.

Dads, your daughters are very likely to find someone who will treat them like you treat their mother. That might be good. Might not. But understand this… you are creating their “normal.” If you want them to expect more than rude, angry, sullen, arrogant, selfish behavior in a husband, then take those behaviors off the table and show them how a man should treat his wife. If you don’t know, read Romans 12. You will find loads of things to work on.

Moms, your sons, likewise, will be fine with someone who treats them as you treat their dad. It is the “normal” they see every day. If you pout, manipulate, degrade, yell, slam doors, and rebuff their affection then you are teaching your boys to find a woman who will mirror those qualities. If you want them to find a godly woman that will honor them and adore them, show them what that looks like. Sitting around bashing your husband with your friends has to stop and be traded for a good dose of building them up and showing respect and appreciation for them.

Dana and I have been on a mission to live out Romans 12 in our home for the past few years. It has begun to get easier and seem more natural as we have allowed God to reshape us by changing the way we think. We have learned firsthand that the way you think determines the way you feel and the way you feel determines how you act and react. Unfortunately, we didn’t discover the power of allowing God to change the way we think while we were still raising our family. But, it is never too late to be a good example. Never too late to allow God to renew and reshape your thinking. Never too late to see the ways you are conforming to the patterns of this world and determine that must stop. Never too late to allow God to change your thinking, which will change your actions and attitudes.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world,

but let God transform you into a new person

by changing the way you think.

Then you will learn to know God’s will for you,

which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

Romans 12:2