Love Generously

Do you want your marriage to be blessed by God? Do you want it to thrive? Do you want to find happiness and fulfillment with the one to whom you have pledged your love for a lifetime? If you are married or hope to be, the sensible answer to those questions would be a resounding YES!  In 43 years of practicing marriage, Dana and I have learned the secret and I am going to share it with you in this blog. (If medical doctors who train for decades are still “practicing” medicine and taking lives into their hands, then we can still be “practicing” marriage and teaching how it’s done, right?)

This month at church we are hearing a series on living generously. I want to bring that home by telling you that the secret to a happy, blessed marriage is to live generously. To give generously. Your time and your attention and your effort to bring joy into the life of your spouse are ways that you can give generously and receive a blessing.

You may be thinking, I have done that for a long time and I get nothing (or very little) in return. Why should it always be me on the giving end? No judgment here! I lived with those thoughts for several years. And I was not a very happily married woman. I thought I was living generously by giving him what I felt he wanted, but the blessing wasn’t returned. It seemed he was happy with my offering and enjoyed the benefits without ever realizing I was sitting in a puddle of self-pity waiting for him to reciprocate. My motives were not entirely selfish. I wanted to bless and please my husband, but there was something in me that was waiting for the volley to come back to my side of the net.

Jesus addresses this sort of “what about me” attitude in Luke 14.

“But when you give a banquet, invite those who are poor.

Also invite those who can’t see or walk.  Then you will be blessed.              

At a glance, that doesn’t look like marital advice, but looking deeper you can see that He is teaching us that the purest generosity is when we give our very best without hope of gaining anything in return. What’s the end game of living generously? You will be blessed. Giving with the expectation of a return on your investment, is business, not marriage. So the attitude with which you give directly impacts the blessing you will receive. And that blessing comes from the Supreme Giver of blessings, not from your spouse. Perhaps you have been looking in the wrong place.

The lesson I learned a few decades back was that I should not look for a blessing from my husband who doesn’t know what I need, unless I tell him… and drop that absurd philosophy of, “If he really loved me he would just know.” My blessings come when my heart is pure and my giving is drawn from the well of God’s love inside of me. This practice only works when God is the source of my love, not my own self-sacrifice or determination. Walking though life holding the hand of my Savior, knowing Him, listening to Him, following Him, meditating on His Word, seeking, asking, growing, living for Him and with Him will bring me to a place where I am truly blessed. The blessing comes from living the love that He brings me, not receiving the love someone else has for me.

Don’t get me wrong… I love being loved the way my husband loves me. I love the way he looks at me and smiles like I am still his bride, the way he provides for me, listens to me, holds me, makes me laugh, patiently teaches me… and that list goes on and on because he, too, has learned to love out of the overflow of God’s love in him. It is a blessing to do life with an imperfect human who is growing and learning and loving better all the time. But, the blessing of a godly husband does not compare to the blessing God gives in response to my unselfishness.

I am still a work in progress, but I have walked with Jesus long enough to know that giving of myself, without expectation of a return, provides me with the blessing of the God who sees into my heart and uncovers my motives. Loving to receive love is selfish and selfishness is actually the opposite of love.

“For God so loved the world that He GAVE…”

Will you take the challenge to love generously? Will you be willing to give and expect nothing in return? Can you devote yourself to sitting at the feet of the Author of Love and learn what it means to love your neighbor (or your spouse) as you love yourself? If so, be prepared to experience the joy of His blessing. If you feel drained and done with loving sacrificially, check your motives. You may be resorting to your default setting of loving in order to be loved. Ask God to show you how to love generously. That is a prayer He loves to answer!

Blessing 101

We are blessed to bless. Our lives are not filled with joy so we can hoard it. Our cupboards are not full so we can be gluttons. Our gas tank isn’t full so we can stay home. Our heart isn’t kind so we can savor it. Grace hasn’t bathed us so we can gloat over our good fortune. We are blessed with all kinds of blessings on a regular basis, not so that we can gather them into the museum in our heart, but so that we can, in turn, bless others. Mark Batterson says, “The way we turn a blessing into a double blessing is by flipping the blessing. In other words, we get a blessing by giving a blessing. That is counter-intuitive and counter-cultural, but that is the miracle. And you will be a bigger blessing to more people because of it.”

When was the last time you called a family meeting to discuss how you might bless another person… another family?  With Thanksgiving creeping up on us, what a beautiful time to teach the kids what a blessing is and our responsibility to carry blessings to others as ambassadors of Jesus. How do you start? I was listening to Brian Dixon on a podcast the other day. He has written a book called, Start With Your People. On the podcast he talked about the importance of starting whatever passion, mission, business or blessing that you have been called to, with the people closest to you. If you are busy blessing the world around you, your kids will not learn well, unless they also see it happening under your own roof.

Let me caution you, however, because there is a difference between blessing your kids and spoiling them. One way teaches them to be a blessing and the other teaches them to be entitled… and nobody wants that! Giving them what they want, when they want it, no matter how inconvenient it is or how tired you are sends the direct message that they are more important than you. You have just showed respect the door and it is on its way out!

When you do something kind for someone, include them. “I know Daddy has been really working hard this week so let’s bless him by making our home a peaceful place for him and have all our chores done before he gets home.” “Mommy isn’t feeling well, let’s clean up the kitchen together and be a blessing to her so she can rest.” “Your sister is struggling with her math so let’s go pray with her so she can calm down and work through it. Wouldn’t that be a great blessing?” “Grandpa has a lot of leaves in his yard. Let’s be a blessing to him and go rake them.”

If your kids are older and the above suggestions are not going to work for them, just be a blessing to your family and your neighbors and co-workers. At dinner or in the car on the way home from practice you can tell them about it. “I got bless Ida today. I just felt like she is probably lonely since her husband died and so I took lunch to her and had a little visit while we ate. She was so glad for the company and it felt good to be a blessing to her, but I think I got more out of it than she did!” They don’t need to see you being a martyr and making huge sacrifices. That sends the opposite message from the joy of being a blessing.

Wives, be a blessing to your husband by seeing who they are, trusting them, honoring them in whatever manner brings joy. Husbands, be a blessing to your wives by listening and learning what brings them joy. Parents, be a blessing to your kids by giving them your attention and teaching them how to bless others, while saying NO to the self-centeredness that will end up eating them alive. Remember, Jesus himself said that it is more blessed to give than to receive. Live like you mean it!

"Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father..."

James 1:17

We are created in the image of a Giver, therefore, if we are not giving,  we are like a fish out of water  and will never realize the blessing that is ours for the taking.

Choosing Your Herd

My grandkids swim. Really well, if I do say so myself. I do not, but I enjoy watching them. One of the things they have taught me is that if you want to improve your time you need someone in the lane next to you that swims faster than you. Without a winner beside you, it’s easy to believe that you are clipping along pretty quick and you don’t end up improving your time at all.

Parents typically want to know something about their kids friends and families before they allow their kids to spend a great deal of time with them. When they spend time with whiners, they tend to whine. When they spend time with kids who are polite, it seems to improve their manners.

When I am with friends that eat healthy, it’s easier to make good decisions about what I eat. When I am with a friend who is a shopper, it’s easier for me to purchase something I don’t really need. The point that I am making is nothing you don’t already know. We are all impacted, one way or the other, by the people with whom we spend our time.

That being said, who are those people in your life that you want in the lane next to you, helping you to be the best you can be? Who will help you on your faith journey? Who will help you be a stronger parent? Who will help you make wiser financial decisions? Who is that couple who you want to model your marriage after?

It matters a great deal who your kids spend time with. It also matters who YOU spend time with. The law of association is a real thing, so how about taking inventory of those people you socialize with most. Are they heading in the direction you must go in order to achieve the goals you have for yourself and your family? Are they helping you draw closer Jesus? Is their influence making your marriage stronger? If not, beware. If you don’t want to change your goals, perhaps it is time to change the herd you are running with. Just because everyone seems to moving in the same direction, doesn’t mean it is the right direction for you.

“One day Jesus said to his disciples,

“There will always be temptations to sin,

but what sorrow awaits the person who does the tempting.”"

Life is hard. Adulting is harder. Parenting is the hardest! We are going to mess it up. Jesus knew that when He said "there will always be temptations to sin." Why make it worse by rubbing shoulders with those who don’t value your faith journey, your life goals, your plans for the future of your family? Those with whom we associate on a regular basis have the most power to distract us from our desired destination or to spur us on with their example and encouragement.

Choose your herd well!

Freedom

Imagine being a Jew memorizing and following 600+ laws and feeling like you can’t breathe or move without the fear of breaking a law and ending up with the wrath of God pouring down on you…a God you don’t know or feel a connection to. Simply a powerful Being with really high expectations and lightening bolts coming from His eyes. Hundreds of years of being bound to these rules. So long that you have no clue of the reason behind them. Only that there is danger if you fail to follow them.

Fast forward to the time of Jesus… over a dozen centuries later. The men who were the guardians and enforcers of those laws ask the Man who claimed to be the Messiah which of those laws was the most important. So many rules to choose from and the one He chose wasn’t measurable. Love God. Totally and completely. How do you measure that? How can you tell how you compare to your neighbor?

He didn’t stop there but added that there was a second law that went with it, like the bookends of all the laws of God. And once again, it wasn’t something that you could grade and come out on top in a competition. Love others. Respect and honor them. Don’t do or say anything hurtful, but treat them the way you wish to be treated.

Then comes the guy Paul who really did know all 600 rules and followed them to the T and persecuted anyone who didn’t measure up, especially those who were following the One who selected LOVE as the most important of all the commandments. And then came the day when he had a close encounter with LOVE. A love that gave him another chance to understand that God wasn’t interested in his performance but in his passion for serving others and loving them.

So, bring this lesson home. Do you have a list of rules in your house? Maybe they are just in your head and your kids find out what they are right after they break them. Perhaps your kids don't even know the reason behind the rules that you enforce is your love for them. Teach them that the rules you make spring from the foundation of love and the life of serving and honoring God and others. Don't create rules just fit in our culture.

I encourage you to take a look at the foundation upon which you are building your family values. Are they built on a LOVE that serves others? That sees others as valuable and cherished by God, no matter how they look or act, or drive, and treats them as such? Are your kids learning to serve others or to demand to be served? Take the time to help them “unlearn” the self-centeredness that is our innate nature. Help them to think of themselves less and others more.

In his letter to the Jesus-followers in Galatia, Paul says that there is freedom in loving and serving. That seems counter to our culture because we like to be served. How can serving others be freeing? Because when we serve, we are living out our purpose. We are free to be what we were made to be. We can keep our focus on loving God and others and find the freedom to live. Truly and abundantly blessed as we become the people we were meant to be.

Distractions

If you have been driving for long, there is likely a 100% chance that you have experienced a distraction that caused you to look away from the road and when you returned your gaze, you discovered that you were about to drop two wheels off the road (or already had). I recall a time when I was looking to the right to see the deer that had just run in front of me. While I was distracted with that, I totally missed seeing the one that was following her from the left, right into the path of my car. Fortunately, it only broke the cover of my headlight. But, frequently, distractions can cause much bigger problems than that.

Sunday, Pastor Chris shared a great message called Distractions, which you can listen to here: https://thecreekonline.net/media. In the message he talked about how our attention influences our direction (and not just when driving!) and our direction determines our destination. Think on that a moment. What grabs your attention in such a way that you are completely distracted and get off task? What distracts you to the point that you aren't even on course to land where you set out to be? What is it that causes you do drift off course?

Let me talk to you, parent to parent. Who or what needs more of your attention in order to get your kids on the right path? Not just the path to a scholarship or the path to make the team or a path to be a good friend or have good friends. What distraction in your life is keeping you from guiding them toward a Heavenly Father who made them with a purpose? What is taking so much of your time that you can't pray with them and for them and do devotions with them every single day? What distracts you from following up on the directions you have given them to make sure they are learning to do the task properly? What grabs your attention when they need it?

Let's face it... raising kids is a 24/7 kind of job. You have to stay diligent in order to train them properly and that is your job as a parent. This is not a guilt trip. Nobody has or should spend 24 hours a day focused on their kids or hovering over them. But, they need to be your priority. You have a job. You are exhausted. You have a meal to prepare. You need to taxi children all sorts of places. There are so many things that can distract us from keeping the main thing the main thing. Drifting away is natural and happens without you even noticing it. You have to be anchored in order to keep that from happening.

This week, have a listen to the sermon above and consider what is distracting you; what you are paying too much attention to. Consider the outcomes you want for your kids; the behaviors that are important; the character traits that are non-negotiable. Note the time that you are spending looking at something other than them when they are home. Think about where your focus is. Think about how that will play out years from now. Imagine the behaviors that they struggle with now and project that into their lives as teens or adults. What can you do to insure that your child knows that is a behavior that must not ride into the future with them? All of this takes SO. MUCH. TIME. It will take SO. MUCH. ENERGY. You simply can't afford to be distracted with things that are not taking you to the destination God has laid out for you and for them.

Keep your eyes on the prize and don't let distractions cause you to drift from the purpose for which you were created. Help your kids become the best version of their future self by keeping your focus on who they were created to be...followers of Jesus. Your future self will thank you some day.