Marriage Merry-Go-Round

“I hate you! I won’t ever play with you again!” shouted the angry child. So they went their separate ways for a few minutes, then they came together to share their toys once again. Why? Because for kids, happiness is more important than pride.

Isn’t it a shame that we outgrow that desire to make peace as we grow into adults that desire to be right, to win, to prove our point… at any cost? Perhaps that is one of our greatest sources of conflict in marriage. As we rush through life we seldom find the time to take a step back and see the destination to which this path will lead us.

There are many ways we focus on the end game. When it involves our career, we sacrifice our time with our family now so that we can climb that corporate ladder to provide for them in the future. When it comes to sports, we sign our children, who are not yet readers, over to the coach to build them into competitive athletes in the future. We are willing to go to great pains to make sure they are in the right pre-school to prepare them academically for the future. We attend the best Universities so that our career path can be secured in the future.

So why is it that we take off the spectacles that allow us to see into the future when it comes to our marriage relationships? All too often we have so much of the past stored up in our thoughts that we have no room to see what living there is going to do to our home in the future.  Perhaps we have forgotten that, “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way and is not irritable AND KEEPS NO RECORD OF BEING WRONGED…” (from I Corinthians 13).

If couples who claim to be followers of Jesus are to be successful in building a future together, we must stop looking to the hurt of the past. That only builds walls that scream, “I don’t trust you to love me because you failed me in the past” and insulates us from the vulnerability required to love truly. When you begin to take down the wall you have built around yourself… possibly for your protection… and begin to trust your partner, that trust lays down the path to a healthy future together.

Another benefit of taking down walls and giving grace and forgiveness is that you learn to see things from your spouse’s perspective. All too often we think we know their thoughts and motives, yet … truth be known, they were completely clueless that their words or actions packed such a powerful punch to your heart.

So, how do you dig your marriage out of the hole of blaming, self-protection and pride? It has to being with a heart to build a solid future and a willingness to communicate with each other in “I” statements. “I feel….” Rather than… “You make me feel…”  “I understood that you were saying….”  Rather than… “You said…”  You must stop suppressing the hurt and start looking for the source of that hurt. Perhaps it has more to do with your own perception of yourself or something in your past involving another person who hurt you. Rather than assuming what they think or feel, allow them to share with you without judgement or criticism.

Lastly, let go of control. You cannot live humbly if you cannot let go of control. You will never, no matter how hard you try, be able to control another human being, so let it go and focus on taking control of your thoughts and attitude. This is truth… If you must control, you do not trust. When you do not trust, you cannot fully love, because loving truly requires vulnerability. When you cannot love fully, you cannot receive love fully. When you cannot receive love fully, you do not trust. And when you do not trust, you try to control everything.

It’s time to get off that Merry-Go-Round and start truly loving!