It seems that we have created a culture that concerns itself
more with “rights” than “respect.” Children
have learned that they have a right to choose whether or not to obey. They have
a right to dislike a teacher and therefore disregard his instruction. They have
a right to say what they feel and the manner in which they do so is accepted
as their right to expression. We give our children the right to decide what
they will wear, how they spend their time, what they will eat, if they will do
their chores and how they will speak to others.
This has all boiled down to a pot of simmering self-centeredness that has
poisoned an entire generation.
How did we end up here and what can we do to reverse this
epidemic? I have a few ideas…
First of all, we have become very near sighted in our
approach to parenting. If you want your kids to develop certain character
traits, you have to look beyond the struggle of the day. Looking into the adult
we want our kids become, we set the course when we become their parents. If you want
them to, for example, make eye contact and pay attention when they are spoken
to, teach that at an early age. Begin at home with training and coaching, not
in the marketplace, after you are embarrassed about their lack of respect. Acknowledge
a job well done and celebrate their successes as they achieve the desired
behavior.
A whining toddler will become a whining adolescent if that
behavior isn’t squashed. A two-year old can learn that the voice and expression
they are using will not gain them what they want. Stop them with, “Wait a
minute. That is whining and whining is not okay. I think you would like a
drink, so let’s practice saying, “may I have a drink, please?” Yelling at them
for whining or telling them to stop is pointless. This is a behavior that you teach your way out of.
Unkind words should not be accepted. They need to know the
standard that you will accept, (and being tolerant of bad behavior tells them
it is acceptable) and be taught and expected to comply. The words “I hate…” are
ugly words. Teach them that the angry feelings may be legitimate but the
response to that anger must be bathed in self-control. Expressing our feelings in a courteous manner
will get results much quicker than a fit of rage. … unless of course that fit
of rage causes you to compromise your values in an attempt to keep the peace. Now you have begun the building of a monster! There is a very large price to pay for catering to a temper tantrum. Many more
will arise if you don’t help them to learn the proper way to communicate. Is there
anything worse than a 13 year old girl pouting because she didn’t get what she
wanted? Stop that behavior early, no matter how much time and patience it
takes.
Second, learn to treat others with respect… yes, even at home…
and even when they need discipline. We all know that kids mimic the behaviors
that they witness. If you don’t speak to their daddy with respect they will soon
learn that he is not worthy of respect. If you treat their mom disrespectfully,
they will learn that is an acceptable reaction, as well. When your child is
exhibiting an undesirable behavior, screaming at them is an example of the
behavior your DO NOT want to see in them. Doing it with others around magnifies the
degree of disrespect that you are showing. However, for most of us,
screaming happens at some point. Don’t let yourself off the hook because they
were naughty. Tell them that you were out of line and should have handled that
better. Don't let them off the hook either because their behavior was also out of line. If you find that teaching
them good behavior is not working after several attempts, then you need to calmly tell them that they have
earned the consequences for doing as they have been taught; whatever they are doing is still not acceptable even though you have taught them the appropriate behavior...and follow through EVERY TIME until
they realize that you mean business. No yelling needed. Replace an enraged, “You
just lied to me” with, “you just told me something that is not true and that is
not okay with me or with Jesus. I saw what happened and I know that you made a
bad choice. Tell me why you think you did that and let’s figure out together
what you could/should have done or said. If you continue to lie, there will be consequences because you know better.”
Never tire of explaining that there are consequences to all our
decisions. Then if the negative behaviors continue, don’t make yourself a
teller of untruths, but follow through with the appropriate action that you promised
would come if the lying continued.
Third, don’t make the kids the center of your universe.
There is only room for One there and God alone should be on that throne. When
we are so concerned about our child’s ego and/or happiness that we let it
control our life, we have essentially become idolatrous. Partner with their
teachers to overcome obstacles rather than
trying to make excuses for their struggles. Teach the kids the art of
respecting others… yes, even (or maybe especially) teachers and coaches. It’s
okay to poke your head in at school to observe when you feel there is a
problem. Talk respectfully to the teacher, don’t just side in with the child. It is expected
that you make sure that their coach is
aligned with the values you teach at home. If that is not the case, you have
the power and authority to remove them from the team. Don’t let someone else
determine your child’s values. That is something that parents need to take the
lead on and stick to their beliefs, growing at all times in wisdom and
understanding.
Finally… Be involved and be aware and be in coaching mode
every moment you are with your kids. Don’t become weary in teaching them right
from wrong. and remember you are not just surviving parenthood, but shaping the
person that God created them to become. You are guiding them toward the future
He planned for them. Remember that your child’s happiness is not the goal of
parenting. Your child’s godliness is the goal. And guess what??? The product of
godly living is the purest form of peace and joy. That,
my friend, is a wonderful outcome for all your hard work!
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